July 1st, 2008
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on motherhood

every time i sit down to write about motherhood it ends up sounding so schmaltzy and cliche ridden. but then how could it not be when something forces your heart to explode into a billion little pieces? and you gain access to parts of it that have never been used previously, parts you weren’t even aware were there. it feels nearly impossible to describe. the cliches exist for a reason.
i feel like I have been ripped open. i am awake. i have a sense of purpose and more focus than ever before. I feel completely full and totally fragile at the same time. and I feel BIG. too large to fit into my tiny little earth bound body. some days i don’t even know what to do with all the emotion i feel. a hole has been filled in my body that I didn’t know was even there.
this is not to say that it is easy and effortless, quite the contrary. the challenges are as great some days as the rewards. my sense of time has been altered to the point of abstraction, its as if I’ve been put into a different time zone, one that makes it impossible to function in any sort of ‘productive’ sense. I liken it to swimming in mud, every movement is slowed and labored. I feel as if i am always miles away from the destination, always trying to reach the bank, yet it keeps moving. i have no choice but to ‘be where i am’ in this regard. to sit in the place of abstracted time and try to enjoy it. many things don’t get done, the important things do as if by some miracle.
i am a complex melting pot of contradiction most days. ying and yang. I am triumphant. I am winded. I am invincible and powerful. I am lost. I am in love. I am fragile. I am awed. I am confused. I am all knowing. I am unsure. I want to suck up every bit of this experience piece by piece. I want to hide. I am so happy I am going to explode. My self-confidence shatters temporarily.
this is the best thing i have ever done.

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