“Life is a dictionary.” ~Emerson

“The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity. (one is unable to notice something because it is always before one’s eyes.)” ~Wittgenstein

my life is messy sometimes.
there is dog hair on my floor and on my clothes, and probably on the piece of zuchinni bread I am currently eating with a cup of chai tea. the dog succeeded in wolfing down a 1/4 of the loaf I made and I spent at least ten minutes cleaning it up and being angry about it.
my house is never as clean as I would like, but I much prefer to spend time writing reading and making things than cleaning. i keep it at a point which it doesn’t depress me, tidy but a bit dusty.
there is often paperwork that I need to deal with on my desk which I put there to procrastinate about for a while, things get paid or invoiced at the last minute. sometimes damage control is necessary, ‘oh shit, i forgot about that.’ people need to be called, mistakes are made. finances are a fly by the seat of our pants kind of thing.
there is decorating that I want to do, but haven’t gotten to. things that need fixing, paint that is peeling on this old house, an old quilt that my nana made that needs mending.
a rat lives under the kitchen sink, our attempts to make him leave have been unsuccessful. he is no longer as cute and friendly as he once was. I want him to go now.
the dog is well loved and is in need of further training to help curb his stealing issues, and his need to chase bikes and motorcycles. many walks have been sabatoged by these behaviours. it is harder to train a deaf dog sometimes though I didn’t want to admit that before.
i often wish I spent more time on my appearance, but to be honest, i am just a bit lazy with it, (and I don’t like to spend much money on clothing). so I recycle my outfits and mix things together into some new concoction, and try to be as held together as I can. I am most likely to knit or crochet a new scarf to update my look than I am to go shopping. A new tshirt is an indulgence.
these are truths that a few years ago I would not wanted to have anyone know about. I would try and make people think that everything was pretty and funky and well functioning all the time. I am perfect and you should want my life.
at some point i became extremely wary and suspicious of the notion that people teach in self-help books that we should all aspire to a fully self-actualized high functioning life. this life and all it’s messiness is what makes life interesting and intensely creative. i think often that’s how creativity arises, in having to deal with things in the moment. the fact that some plans you have don’t work out the way you wanted or “planned” forces you into a new way of seeing and operating. for me, a lot of the self-help stuff was a form of control, a way to make me feel like I was doing things “correctly”. more importantly, a way of proving to others that I was great, instead of actually feeling good inside and accepting things as they are. messy and sometimes in need of fixing.
in need of fixing is a perfectly good place to be. at times this is exactly who I am. sometimes life is uncomfortable and I no longer feel the urge to run from that. most importantly i no longer feel the need to live up to someone else’s ideal. i can breathe deeper because I am not spending any energy hiding the truth from people.
because everyone else is messy too and has dust bunnies in the corners of their rooms.
some just hide it better than others.
(if you’ve never examined them closely, you might want to try it. they are quite beautiful.)
“The first question I ask myself when something doesn’t seem to be beautiful is why do I think it’s not beautiful. And very shortly you discover there is no reason.” ~John Cage

the fall weather has thrown me into a period of hypercreativity. cool air causes me to almost explode with ideas. the daily walks in the woods end with me running to the journal to write. pregancy is probably adding to this too, i feel a part of nature like never before. I find myself feeling grateful and in awe of everything, (especially food). I wrote this to a friend yesterday:
I’m starting to feel the baby move and it’s the most incredible thing in the world, (though it also freaks me out sometimes). It’s a weird thing to know that you are two instead of one. I think not enough women talk about how bizarre being pregnant can feel at first, it really can mess with your head to grasp the concept in full. And it can overwhelm you with excitement at the same time. what a trip! I’m falling deeply in love with an alien creature who lives in my belly. and i have no idea what they look like yet.
a new book idea has literally leapt out of my head in the last few months. and I am in love with it too. the proposal sent off, and while normally I am sitting and waiting, this time I am still writing. still spewing out ideas every hour. the running to the journal is the best feeling in the world. at times I wonder how is it that I still continue to have ideas? where do they keep coming from? is this well limitless? it feels like it. as long as I continue to research everything that comes into my head i think they will always be growing and morphing into new things.
the above image is from a book by bruno munari entitled the tactile workshops. In 1977 munari worked on the first tactile workshop in Paris, a space filled with things that students where encouraged to touch, materials, models, city maps in relief, black boxes you could put your hand into. this is one of the concepts that my brain is inhabiting these days, this encouragement to experience things in a tactile way. i am one of those people who finds it impossible not to touch things when the urge hits, (making art galleries challenging). I am devising a world where this is encourged, not avoided. Munari writes, “The sense of touch is neglected, considered unimportant to adults who themselves have been conditioned by a limited education based only on sight and hearing…It is not that we adults have lost our sense of touch but that we use it very little. It is only when we go and buy clothing, for example, that we touch the material to see “how it feels”; usually though, touch is severely neglected.”
All this focus on interactivity using technology. The world is already INTERACTIVE!
there were a few other things I wanted to tell you but I can’t remember what they were now. just randomly…
…there are moments in the day where I simply cannot eat enough.
…I am really enjoying SMALL magazine, the toys from Wren are the best thing in the world.
…which led me to Linet, I am obsessed with linen in all forms.
…the smell of leaves makes me very happy.
…I have been working my way through all of the Ted talks, it’s quite addictive. the science ones are often the most interesting to me. my favourites so far, Wade Davis, Eve Ensler, William McDonough, and Janine Benyus.
…Wreck this Journal made a bestseller list for the bookstore chain Harry Schwartz. This is a first for me so we’re going out to celebrate tonight!
…a quote that I put on my chalkboard this week,
“the imagination needs moodling, –long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling and puttering.” ~Brenda Ueland
let yourself moodle a bit more will ya? it could really help you out in the long run. i love it when authors make up words. here is my definition for it,
moodle, verb., to allow procrastination to take over to the point where your imagination is fully engaged and does whatever it wants to.
i also love words that sound like what they are. moodle is definitely something you could do on a couch or in your parents basement.