August 5th, 2005
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whirling dirvish

I’ve noticed a pattern with myself when something comes up that I didn’t expect, or when I get a little overwhelmed with things I go into my large crab shell of avoidance (famous trait of the beloved cancerians). It is this avoidance that wreaks havoc on a life causing one to start a dark, perilous gypsy dance over red hot coals, (the tricky movement starts slowly at first and then speeds up into a skirt whirling frenzy). Your brain tells you that the thing you don’t want to deal with will go away if you don’t look at it or pay it any attention, treat it like a stray animal, don’t put any food out. Avoidance builds in the chest like agent orange threatening to suffocate the pinkest of lungs. Like the air in the brown balloon-like throat of an overweight bullfrog, (can you tell I’ve been reading Tom Robbins lately?) I notice that when the avoidance builds up overtime I start to feel slightly hopeless, insecure, needy, weak, fearful. I feel like I am five years old wearing my pyjamas with the feet in them, holding onto my security blanket for dear life.
It may seem obvious to say that I am learning that if I just grit my teeth and speak my truth in it’s simplest form, no matter what the context, (no excuse making, no elaborate embellishment, no coloring), then the universe responds with a hearty reward. The thing I fear most DOES NOT HAPPEN! But instead the opposite. Every time. Relief. Deep breathing. Peaceful feels. Invincibility shield. Powerful feels.
And yet still I forget this.
Today is a day for facing several of these things head on. When I get up the courage I attack them all at once with the subtlety of a samurai warrior.
“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” -Helen Keller (this quote was written in a card from Christine.)

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