March 19th, 2008
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when other people describe what you are feeling exactly and you wish you had written what they wrote

“In the house of a newborn, there are no walls. No doors, no clocks, no meals, no chores, no day, no night, none of the familiar coordinates we use to navigate our lives. We bring our babies home, and then the floor gives way and the roof collapses. Adrift in disorientation, I beging to sing.”
-Karen Maezen Miller fr. Momma Zen
how wonderful to read these words and know that I am not the only who has felt “adrift in disorientation”. what a strange new world I have entered into. like alice in wonderland after she had consumed from the bottle that says drink me and her body and world change in radical and strange new ways. so much so that you hardly recognize anything in your new world. things that were previously comforting (bed) no longer hold the same associations. things that you used to linger over, now become extraneous and all too time consuming (dinner).
and somehow, in the midst of it all there is a strange awareness that life is no longer what you thought it was. there is an aliveness that is pulling you to become more awake. and you thought you were before but now you realize that that was just an illusion. the real lessons in finding out who you are are really just beginning now. and some of it not pretty. but oh so necessary.
I have come to a place where I no longer find it helpful to consult books for answers on a daily basis. It is my intuition that needs to be applied here, it steers me away from the fearful panicked thoughts that don’t help me one bit, they just make me feel like I am flailing, (and failing).
“There comes a point when you stop reading the books and resign youself to what you don’t know. This is precisely how you come to know it all.” -ibid
trust the gut. haven’t we heard that one before. new moms become obsessed with ‘doing the right thing’, and yet ‘the right thing’ is some bleary object in the distance that you cannot quite identify because it is being concealed by all of the well meaning advice and boatloads of information from a million different sources (none of which you can keep straight any more.) i have become convinced that ‘the right thing’ is just an illusion, created by others who think their way is the right way.
there is no ‘right way’, (and haven’t i told myself to always be wary of those that tell you there is?), but there is a definite ‘what feels good for me even though I don’t really know for sure’. you can just go with that. really you can.
in this new world i know nothing. and i know everything.

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