May 27th, 2010
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whatever comes up

(image: a collaboration between myself, my son, and the rain)

today my head is full of dreams of ocean views, sitting lazily on a beach, eating summer produce (corn and strawberries), being near family again, sleeping with an ocean breeze and being near the deep woods (and the incredible green smells that come with that).

i have had some challenging weeks (months) lately and I am ready to be in a place that speaks to my heart more. what is it about change that makes it so nerve wracking? I suppose it is a lack of trust in our own ability to survive and thrive in a new place. I don’t know what it will feel like, what if I lose my center for a time? what if I find myself floundering?

what I learned about traveling from my husband is that even if you went on an adventure and forgot all of your stuff (or had some crazy, unexpected experiences), you would be okay. you would deal with it all in the moment and come up with new and creative ways to exist. human beings are beautiful in this way. we can adapt to whatever arises, and we like to think we can control everything ahead of time. it is only an illusion, but one we become very addicted to. we become very attached to things as our way of making us feel like ourselves.

I think this is why I have become so interested in using indeterminacy and chance in my work of late. by throwing myself into the unknown on purpose on a daily basis (using mediums that give you little or no control over the outcome) you develop an understanding that you will be able to work with whatever comes up. that every experience is an opportunity for a greater acceptance and you must let go of the idea that your actions can be deemed “right” or “wrong”. how interesting to be able to see so called “mistakes” in a new light. in fact they too are just an illusion.

John Cage writes, “What I really believe, is made perfectly clear by my actions. Since a mistake is beside the point, an error is simply a failure to adjust immediately from a conception to actuality.”

in other words, what we predict in our heads is usually much different than what actually occurs. but that prediction was only based on our own assumptions and ideas about how we think things should be. not based in what the universe has in store for us. the trick then, is in learning to sit with whatever comes up and trust in our abilities to respond to our needs. whatever the challenges may be, there is always another way of seeing them.
“Disorder is merely the order you were not looking for.” ~Henri Bergson

(p.s. my new book is coming out soon, and deals with exactly this subject matter. it’s interesting to me that I am being given more life experiences right now in which I can apply my own “messy” philosophy. if you respond to this post I think you are going to like it a lot.)

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