I am learning the meaning of the phrase “roll with the punches”. sometimes when you stand up for your beliefs people will try to attack you on a personal level because they don’t know how else to bring you down.
it is akin to little children who when angry and flustered will pull out something irrelevant like, “oh yeah? well you have a big nose!”
it is somewhat funny, but as we all know words can hurt too.
but here lies the beauty…
the lesson i am learning is that no matter what, my feelings are not wrong. my whole life I have been in doubt of them. questioned them, barely recognized them, ignored them, rejected them, feared them, stuffed them away, felt them invalid, misinterpreted them, put them after the feelings of others, held them in until I thought my lungs would burst. the reasons for this are numerous and too much to get into here, but because of this, as an adult I have had trouble recognizing them (read: numbness). (I will experience discomfort somewhere in my body, usually my stomach, which swirls, churns or aches). I didn’t know before but these are my emotions sending me a message, “something is up. stop and listen for a moment.” STOP AND LISTEN.
sometimes it takes a few hours for me to understand what the message is. often when I get it, it comes in a flash. big knowing. “oh my god, of course! that’s it.” onto step number two, expressing those feelings. somewhere along the way, you learn (usually the hard way) that you also need to express those feelings and that you have a right to do so. here lies another great challenge but one worth doing.
and so a message to those who will try to bring me down. you can attack my writing, you can attack my spiritual beliefs, you can attack my chosen profession, you can criticize my talent, you can insult my physical appearance, you can do whatever you think of to make me look bad in the eyes of others.
I WILL NOT BACK DOWN.
because from the deepest place in my heart there is an incredible strength, something I have not felt until now. an unshakable knowing that I have a right to these feelings. and no matter what you do to me you cannot take that away. my feelings and beliefs are my own, and they come out of a loving place, a place that wants to heal me and take care of me at every turn. even the anger. i have never really known what it meant to love yourself, until now. it seems so simple, to act in a way that honor’s your feelings and beliefs. to trust what your body is telling you. to stand up for your beliefs even when you feeling like the whole world is against you.
i sit looking at a photo of myself on my desk. I am two years old, with long brown hair and bangs, sitting on my bed wearing my pink p.j.’s with the feet in them, looking shy and apprehensive about the world, (I was an intensely shy child). for the first time i feel such incredible love and admiration for this girl, I want to hug her up and tell her everything’s o.k.
you are strong, and powerful and loved. even if you don’t know it yet.