March 25th, 2005
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the things i do not know, and the knowing

It always takes a small (or large) crisis of sorts to show you that you are not taking care of yourself in the best of ways. In every crisis there are always a number of “messages”, things that can help us tune into ourselves. Then once again you learn that there are things that you could be doing on a regular basis to help you heal.
The physical things, drinking more water, taking vitamins, regular exercise, eating well, etc. The emotional things, in my case, using my voice, expressing emotions, learning to trust, relinquishment of control. Each of us has our own recurring themes, the walls that we come up against again and again.
Once again I find myself needing to know how everything will turn out, instead of just allowing myself the experience of living it. I fight desperately to find some kind of security in this world. But does it really exist? I think the experience of growing up with a mother who had a life threatening illness meant that in order to survive I had to find a way to create my own safety. I wanted to make her well, and in the end I actually took on her illness. I truly believed that if I could stimulate her brain enough then the tumor in it would shrink. It seems a bit silly to write that but there you have it. Even now at times I wonder if there were things I could have tried, therapies, etc. When she died I tried desperately to create a completely secure environment, one that was bulletproof, my home, my family, my community. I wanted to be entirely self sufficient at all times, grow my own food, get off the grid, financially sound, not have to depend on anyone or anything for my life. All potentially beautiful things, but in them an inheirent distrust of my ability to deal with things as they arose. I wanted every base to be covered beforehand.
But as I am learning now, life does not play out like a chess game. It is no longer serving me to be thinking six moves ahead trying to account for the things I do not know. I do not/did not have a cure for cancer.
The things I do not know. numerous. infinite.
The thing I am learning. I am strong, competent, powerful, and creative. I can and will be able to deal with any situation that arises in my life. No matter what it is. I CAN be content with the not knowing. Even though I don’t like it right now.
and I will repeat these things to myself over and over until I feel them in every inch of my body.
“…she sings from the knowing of los ovarios, a knowing from deep within the body, deep within the mind, deep within the soul.” –Clarissa Pinkola Estes

 
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