July 10th, 2004
the story

how much does one share, and how much does one keep for themselves? the whole of it would make the most beautiful of novels. sometimes real life is more magical than fiction.
do you believe?
one must believe if they are to listen to the story. it requires surrendering to the possiblities. sometimes the universe takes you on a new path, one that you least expect…


It begins a girl who has lost her mother. With her mother being the centre of her world she temporarily loses her bearings. A hole opens up in her that cannot be filled. Before her mother dies, while she is still able, she gives a beautiful gift. The words, “You have to power to create anything you want.” And the girl believes in these words more than anything.
So she sets out to create her own life, the one that she always wanted. Most importantly she needs to find something that will fill the hole. A sense of belonging, a home to replace the one she has left. She imagines the most beautiful life. Over time all of the things she has imagined come true. A home, a village, books, a loving relationship, family & friends, pets. And she is doing the thing she loves to do most in the world, drawing. She even accomplishes all of the goals she has for herself, write a book, dance, sing, paint. She has the perfect life. She is happy. People from all over the world write her and ask how they can have that life too.
Over time she starts to question things a little.
At times she feels slightly confused about where she is going. If she has everything in her dreams what is next? Some of the things she used to want have lost their meaning, (fame, money, a following). She knows you can not always know where a path is headed. So she decides to focus on the things around her that are beautiful, nature, people, books about foreign places, films, art, and not question things so much. And in those things she finds comfort.
One day brings a new correspondance and friendship with a girl, a dialogue about life, creativity, and adversity, it continues for many months (years?). Then this post about a man who is courageous and questioning. She is intrigued by him and goes to his site to read more. She realizes that she has been there already. Twice, coming from different places. She reads his words and felt at home. He is daring and beautiful and for some reason she feels scared of him (as if she sees in him pieces of herself that she doesn’t want to look at). She writes him apologizing for a strange comment she has made. When he writes her back the first three words in the letter are her name over and over. When she reads them she feels like she can hear his voice in her head. Something in her heart moves.
Over time they write giving little bits of themselves in the form of words. They tell stories about squirrels and grandfathers. They share fears about sleeping in the woods and death. He sends her some leaves he has collected one day and some more words. Because she is in a relationship with someone she cares deeply about she tells him that she can give him nothing in return. She doesn’t know him after all, purely illusion. How can you feel for someone you’ve never met? People start asking her if she is o.k., she seems ‘distracted’. So she pushes it away, tries to push him away, and it does pass.
For a while.
But it comes back. And with it a pain in her heart, her whole body begins to ache. Because if she is to contemplate him it will threaten to destroy everything that she has created for herself. One life can not exist with out the cessation of the other. And that thought is terrifying.
she goes into a state of turmoil. a week of nights with no sleep.
he writes to her:
“as your world undulates and twists, and you toss and turn in your bed, remember that this is life, and the floating paper will all settle in the end.

Jul 12 2004
1:04 pm
Keri Smith writes:

I have never been married, just to clarify that.
i would like to reiterate what i said in this post


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