August 9th, 2005
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that which you are

Reading in bed last night, (one of my favorite things), the window open and faint breeze coming in, clean white sheets and my old ratty quilts. Having finished my previous book I grabbed one randomly off the shelf, (I do this quite a bit in hopes of receiving some brilliant “message”, the thing that I most need to hear. From the pages of “Everywhere you go there you are”, a passage stood out,
“If you are truly strong, there is little need to emphasize it to yourself or to others. Best to take another tack entirely and direct your attention where you fear most to look. You can do this by allowing yourself to feel, even to cry, to not have to have opinions about everything, to not appear invincible or unfeeling to others, but instead to be in touch with and appropriately open about your feelings. What looks like weakness is actually where your strength lies. And what looks like strength is often weakness, an attempt to cover up fear; this is an act or facade, however convincing it might appear to others or even to yourself.” -John Kabat-Zinn
Quite appropriate given that in the last year I have become aware of that ‘facade’, the not wanting to show vulnerability, and the lack of intimacy that creates with others. Though I still have a habit of wanting to project that strength, I feel much more in touch with that vulnerability, able to see what is at the root of that facade, (insecurity, fear of the dark stuff, wanting people to “like” me, wanting be loved.) It has made me look at who I am without all of that other stuff, who am I without the facade (without all of the external embellishments, success, possessions, job, clothing, friends, home, position). THAT is who we truly are. Are we able to feel loveable when we stand in THAT truth? That is the most difficult thing of all.
Be strong then, and enter into your own body;
there you have a solid place for your feet.
Think about it carefully!
Don’t go off somewhere else!
Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of imaginary things,
and stand firm in that which you are.

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