June 22nd, 2005
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relief


I sometimes hesitate to write about more of the health issues here, partly because I am tired of writing about it, and partly because I feel it is not very poetic. But maybe this IS the poetry, the everydayness, the real details of a life. That feeling of your world stopping for a moment when something really important comes up and serves to reshift things in a way you didn’t expect. I always have the same feeling when a big life change happens (illness, death, loss), it is difficult to put it into words. It is as if time has stopped for you and no one else. I am always very aware of the rest of the world going on around me but I am not in it. I am watching the world and become tuned into the smallest details, I look at people as if they are ants going about their daily tasks, and the tasks seem strange to me. The cutting of lawns, going to the dentist, office work. absurd.
I write about the health issues here because I think in our culture we do not talk about these things enough, the things that we ALL go through at some point. And we are all learning as we go. We heal with each other’s stories. I write about it in case some of you are going through a similar situation.
So the update…the meeting with the surgeon went well (though extremely brief. Contrast that with the three hours spent with the accupunturist who asked hundreds of questions about my life, my personality, what gives me joy, what makes me sad, etc.) The surgeon confirmed that the fibroid is not cancerous, so I am very relieved by that fact. (Just to clear up some confusion, I have two different types of cysts in one breast, a mass of normal cysts which had grown in the last few months, and a larger fibroid cyst which I have had for many years, which the surgeon said IS a tumour. So the fibroid is something that has to be watched because they can change.) I have dealt with this for many years now, but this was the first time my doctor suggested a surgeon and that was scary. What I have learned is that this seems to be a normal thing with a lot of women. The question seems to be ‘when is a breast lump not just a breast lump?’
So I will keep on with my own healing regiment. I will eat good food, and I will live as fully as I can. And I will go back to my own routines as we all do. The paying of bills, the phone calls to people, buying food, the moving of the body. And someone else who may be going through their own change will see me through the window of a car for a split second, going about my busyness, and think it strange. It is.
I would like to do something every day that is contrary to the ‘routine’.
Today that means a picnic in the woods.

 
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