December 22nd, 2004
I am up before the light this morning, the coals still red in the woodstove making it easy to start the fire again. It is so very dark and quiet, only the sounds of the odd car driving by and the cracking of burning wood. Now the kettle. I am making a pot of Nepal Illam tea, which I got yesterday at an amazing new tea shop in Collingwood (Zencha tea bar).
My dearest Andrea recently wrote about the Mondo Beyondo list, a list of dreams and wishes (some so big you are afraid to write them down). As you may know I am a huge fan of lists. For some reason I have been afraid of them lately (or one of this kind), and I am a firm believer of that which you fear you should jump into feet first.
And where does the fear come from currently? I sit quietly for a moment and listen. In the last ten years of my life I have had many of my big dreams come to life, getting a book published, buying a house, travelling, making a living at drawing. And I am grateful for all of these. I wonder if I am a bit unsure of where I want to go next, afraid of going to the next level? What do I really want deep down? Many of the things I am looking for now exist more on an emotional level, and so I will write these too. I have learned that many times when you ask for what you want you cannot control how it comes to you and sometimes these things show up in a different way than you expected. (this is not a bad thing, just something to keep in mind.) Given my last two weeks I am very aware that our greatest gifts evolve out of our greatest struggles and sometimes they can be hard to swallow.
It occurs to me now that a lot of the fears might be due to the huge amount of change that I have experienced in the last year. I am still trying to find my footings, feel the ground again. Change is good, but it shakes your world up for a while.
to travel to france, spain and italy with my husband (with a side trip to Morrocco)
to write more for children (and not shy away from my writing abilities)
to find a literary agent who I work well with, who I enjoy, who believes in my work and works hard at getting me a good deal, (allowing me to move up to another level in my career)
to get a good publishing deal for my next book
to illustrate and design products that I believe in
to give my money, time, and love to a cause I believe in (to get MORE involved in a cause I believe in)
to work more on my money fears and to minimize debt
to develop deeper friendships, reach out more, give more to my friends (I am afraid of this because in the past I have held back quite a bit, maintaining distance)
to experience deep honesty with myself and others (to speak my truth)
to put energy into my relationship with my husband (and to express myself more, love more, give more, feel more, allow myself to receive)
to have a child
to dance and sing more than I already do
to visit a third world country
to nuture myself more
to breathe regularly (to read Thich Nhat Hahn as a reminder)
to draw as much as possible
to not push myself too hard (to be patient)
to laugh much
*I feel like I am still scratching the surface here. What is in your heart that you are not expressing?
**I found the cards above in an old junk shop, a teaching aid of some sort.