March 24th, 2004
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linen

There are many days when I wish I could walk through the world, unfettered, untouched by the opinions, utterances, and viewpoints of others. I would like to be able watch these things float up into the air on tiny pieces of paper, flitting and drifting, never to been seen again.
But this does not happen.
At times i feel so malleable. Like a big chunk of clay that someone has pushed their finger into and smooshed around, leaving a big indent. A hole. A void. An empty space. How is it that we so consistantly work to put other peoples’ feelings and emotions before our own? And it is work. So much energy expended trying to anticipate how people will react, how they will view us.
I have been for too long living to make other people happy.
It has become a tired game. It has become transparent. Like a moth eaten piece of threadbare linen.
The beauty in that image is if you hold the linen up and look at it, the light shines through. Large, powerful beams of light. Maybe the key is just finding the courage to hold it long enought to let the light through.
I don’t know.
So I look to others who have written about such things. I want to be able to move from my center more. First to know what exists there, and then to be able to honor all of it. For that is where the true gifts lie.
That much I do know.
I think today I will wear my superhero costume under my clothes. I need all the help I can get.
“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day I can hear her breathing.” -Arundhati Roy

 
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