July 15th, 2005
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life, a few cliches and a match

It’s hard to know what to write some days when your heart feels a little heavier than it usually does. You go out into the world hoping that the little things that usually lift you up are still there and that they still have the power to make you breathe a little deeper or smile even. Sometimes we just have to accept that our hearts are a bit heavier and that’s just a part of this big life.
I’ve been feeling the biggness of my own life lately, amidst this heaviness. The sense that all of it is unfolding exactly as it is meant to, this after many months of not knowing. There is a distinct feeling a shedding my old skin and growing a new one. One that is stronger, more honest and different. Beautiful, but in a different way. It is not a surface beauty, not about skin or hair or eyes or face. It is not determined by how other’s perceive it or what it looks like in the mirror. This beauty comes more from inside. And it grows and shifts, akward at first like an infant who is learning to walk for the first time on shaky legs. (Once they get a feel for the movement they are unstoppable.)
What I can tell you about it might surprise you. It has been emerging out of a long period of extreme doubt and questioning. Darkness. Out of the not knowing, and the fear, and loss. And i will admit that I didn’t see that it was possible at the time. I felt around for a voice that had been hiding. And I found it buried under a pile of debris. My intuition which I thought had left me for good has proved to be stronger than ever, I just didn’t trust it. But it was there the whole time. I had no idea.
And when I listened to it I became strong again.
Some of the things I feared most have happened. But I am still here. I can see that no matter what happens, I will be o.k. because no one can take away that strength, in fact they cannot even touch it. Even though it feels like it sometimes.
But we have to go into the darkness to find it.
“Look how beatiful this big, old, lumpy and bruised heart is?”, she said with a smile. With everything it has been through it’s capacity to love is greater than ever.

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