August 11th, 2009
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just in case you’re feeling it too

i begin to write here and end up stopping for some reason. my mind does not think or reach outwardly these days. parenting has been rather insular for me. i was at a christmas party last december and i had a short but intense conversation with the local yoga teacher. she related to me that she experienced a huge kind of ‘pulling inward’ during her early parenting years. she said she found it very difficult to socialize during this time, in part because her energy was so concentrated on her child. but she also felt something had changed in her which was hard to put into words. she felt, not very “present”. just hearing her say that made me feel extremely relieved and understood as I had been feeling the EXACT same thing, but had not spoken of it to anyone. i felt my eyes get wide and my insides taking a deep breath. part of me felt like I was malfunctioning in some way. right now I feel pulled in many directions but unable to connect. I go out to social events and feel a bit awkward for the first time in my life, i feel strange not being able to put myself fully into conversations (as my child is trying to climb up the side of a building). me, who used to be the last to leave any party.
this person looked at me and said, “it’s perfectly normal. you are in a new and very intense phase of your life. there’s no need to resist it.”
damn, i really needed to hear that.
i mention this in case there may be others out there who are experiencing the same thing.

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