September 17th, 2007
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from my floor

my life is messy sometimes.
there is dog hair on my floor and on my clothes, and probably on the piece of zuchinni bread I am currently eating with a cup of chai tea. the dog succeeded in wolfing down a 1/4 of the loaf I made and I spent at least ten minutes cleaning it up and being angry about it.
my house is never as clean as I would like, but I much prefer to spend time writing reading and making things than cleaning. i keep it at a point which it doesn’t depress me, tidy but a bit dusty.
there is often paperwork that I need to deal with on my desk which I put there to procrastinate about for a while, things get paid or invoiced at the last minute. sometimes damage control is necessary, ‘oh shit, i forgot about that.’ people need to be called, mistakes are made. finances are a fly by the seat of our pants kind of thing.
there is decorating that I want to do, but haven’t gotten to. things that need fixing, paint that is peeling on this old house, an old quilt that my nana made that needs mending.
a rat lives under the kitchen sink, our attempts to make him leave have been unsuccessful. he is no longer as cute and friendly as he once was. I want him to go now.
the dog is well loved and is in need of further training to help curb his stealing issues, and his need to chase bikes and motorcycles. many walks have been sabatoged by these behaviours. it is harder to train a deaf dog sometimes though I didn’t want to admit that before.
i often wish I spent more time on my appearance, but to be honest, i am just a bit lazy with it, (and I don’t like to spend much money on clothing). so I recycle my outfits and mix things together into some new concoction, and try to be as held together as I can. I am most likely to knit or crochet a new scarf to update my look than I am to go shopping. A new tshirt is an indulgence.
these are truths that a few years ago I would not wanted to have anyone know about. I would try and make people think that everything was pretty and funky and well functioning all the time. I am perfect and you should want my life.
at some point i became extremely wary and suspicious of the notion that people teach in self-help books that we should all aspire to a fully self-actualized high functioning life. this life and all it’s messiness is what makes life interesting and intensely creative. i think often that’s how creativity arises, in having to deal with things in the moment. the fact that some plans you have don’t work out the way you wanted or “planned” forces you into a new way of seeing and operating. for me, a lot of the self-help stuff was a form of control, a way to make me feel like I was doing things “correctly”. more importantly, a way of proving to others that I was great, instead of actually feeling good inside and accepting things as they are. messy and sometimes in need of fixing.
in need of fixing is a perfectly good place to be. at times this is exactly who I am. sometimes life is uncomfortable and I no longer feel the urge to run from that. most importantly i no longer feel the need to live up to someone else’s ideal. i can breathe deeper because I am not spending any energy hiding the truth from people.
because everyone else is messy too and has dust bunnies in the corners of their rooms.
some just hide it better than others.
(if you’ve never examined them closely, you might want to try it. they are quite beautiful.)
“The first question I ask myself when something doesn’t seem to be beautiful is why do I think it’s not beautiful. And very shortly you discover there is no reason.” ~John Cage

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