January 13th, 2007
for my wallet
a lot of times i feel things, react to things, cry, become angry about things i see out in the world. its overwhelming sometimes to know where to put my energy. so many times its just easier to do nothing. even giving money feels somehow not enough. like an afterthought.
lately i feel like a new fire is burning in me, one that is going to pull me up out of the depths of inaction with regard to these things. i have made a decision to push my energy in some new directions, i smile writing that, because it is still not clear exactly what form those directions will take. but i feel resolved and powerful.
this shift came about because of some personal challenges over the course of the last few years and also with my experience with adfreeblog. i had never taken a stand on anything remotely political before, or even challenging for that matter. i had always done things to ensure that everyone in my life is happy with me, all the time. so i attempted to control how people thought about me, making sure it was flattering, (i said attempted, i know how ridiculous this must sound but its what i did.) Correction, still do it at times, but here’s the thing… I had to put myself in a position where people would not approve of what I was saying or doing in order to let go of what others think of me, but more importantly, in order to OWN my own opinions and beliefs. i needed to learn that ‘it’s not personal’. this is about me coming into the person that i really am, not the one who I have tried to be (based on what others needed), for years. i have to be okay with people not liking what i do at times. because that’s just life. man, it’s a lot of work. allowing people to be upset, reading hate mail, letting people yell and going through the emotions as a result of that. if you are doing anything worth doing with any conviction there are going to be people who come out in opposition.
i know this now.
i’m getting there. i really am. every year that goes by i feel i know less and less about most things, but understand more and more about myself. in many ways i feel like i am being prepared for some bigger work, as though i’m going to be tested on a much bigger scale in the future and these are just the preliminaries. at some point i am going to be stepping out on some bigger limbs and jumping off.
i feel for the first time that i am on the path to doing something bigger than me. i am going to be giving more of myself to the cause.