The view outside the window of my studio shows a dark grey sky contrasted by firey yellow leaves. The color of the leaves is almost blinding, you cannot look at it for too long. The forcast calls for heavy rains all weekend, and I breathe a little deeper hoping that it will replenish the well, (which has taken to coughing up bits of dirt now and then. This is as disconcerting as it sounds, pipes shaking and rumbling, sending air up from the depths, like someone with a terrible chest cold.)
I hear Jeff Buckley singing from downstairs.
My sleep was broken and filled with tossing last night. Right side, back, left side, repeat. Mind swimming with worries about money, water, pipes, and overall resistance to change. There has been so much of it lately and it temporarily throws me off balance. I try to hide the fact i am human by not showing any weakness to others, but mostly to myself. I have to remind myself that it is o.k. to admit defeat once in awhile. I had a trying week, time to put on my jammies and treat myself to things that fill me up. Gosh there is so much learning in this life.
And still I am grateful for all of it.
I am going to stop pretending that I am invincible.
I am breaking down many walls that have built up over 34 years, walls that were put there to protect and guard and keep me safe. I am learning how to be married and finding sometimes that can be really scary. I am re-learning how to be open, how to feel vulnerable, how to trust, all of the things I have needed to do for a long time. I am learning that there are some very young places in myself that need healing. And as the walls are dismantled it feels sometimes as though I have lost my centre. I am changing. evolving. Who will I be when the dust has settled?
I log on today to Jann Arden’s journal and find a powerful post on the topic of change, echoing my thoughts in so many ways. Her honesty always shakes me up, making me want to go deeper. She writes:
“It’s hard to love yourself. You feel stupid doing it. You think to yourself that you’re not worth the effort. I am getting better as I get older; better at loving bits and pieces of me.”
I would add to that that I am getting better at identifying the parts of myself that need loving, something I was not able to do just a short time ago. I look at these parts with compassionate eyes. Eyes that are letting the tears out that have built up over many years. Leftovers from grieving that was never done. It feels good to be human. To feel all emotions with great intensity. I have been laughing so much more too. Laughing and crying.
The other day J and I were playing around doing that old drama exercise where you put your arms out and allow yourself to fall backwards, the other person catching you before you hit the ground. When it was my turn I was surprised to find myself freezing up. I kept putting my foot out, chickening out at the last minute. My eyes filled with tears. How afraid I am to relinquish control and just trust. It took many tries over several days for me to finally do it. Re-learning.
For those of you who know me, please do not worry that I express sadness here. I am not sad. Quite the opposite. I am human. Complicated and messy at times. But beautiful none the less.
The rain falls heavily.
There is always a bit of hesitation when posting the more “personal” topics.
Rachel is writing about this very subject on her blog today. I have quite a lot to say on the subject but currently refer back to this quote (which I have posted before) as it sums up the gist of my feelings on the matter.
“There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it! It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open…” -Martha Graham