May 5th, 2004

I have these moments (days), when my confidence seems to leave my body, a gust of wind catches it and launches it into the atmosphere. tcheeeooooof. Uh, hello? That’s funny, I swear it was there a week ago. (picture the author walking around her house aimlessly, looking under bed, opening cupboards, disturbing dustbunnies in a futile search.)
And so I walk around the world, with a nagging fear in the pit of my belly, wondering if I am up the the tasks at hand (talk), why do I take these things on in the first place? the critics voice: what do you have to say? why do you think people would want to listen to you speak for three hours? it might be better if you could leave this stuff to the experts. how many times must we go through this? it would be much easier if we just stuck with the safe things, the predictable things.
But is that really living fully? I think not.
And I tell the critic that a long time ago I made a decision, to not take the easy road with everything. This means facing some of the harder stuff head on instead of running from it. It was/is so much easier to run. Running is safe.
But then, just when I get out my running shoes and attempt to tie the laces a little message comes in from the universe. Sometimes in the form of a moving email from a stranger, sometimes a phone call from friend, sometimes it is a loved one telling you you are amazing. And these things help you to see that yes, you are on the right path, that you need to keep going, even if you don’t know what the hell you are doing. Especially if you don’t know what the hell you are doing. Because let me tell you, on most days I don’t know what the hell i am doing. yes, it’s true. and so I keep going.
why is it that so many times we have difficulty seeing our own light?
These little messages from the universe often stop me in my tracks, sometimes they leave me gasping. And many times they remind me to stop trying to do everything, be everything. My only requirement is to be myself. Imperfect, flawed, cracked, messy, fragile, beautiful, lovable and daring. I inch closer and closer to it, like a small animal who wants take food from a human, hesitant, non-trusting. What do you mean I don’t have to do anything? What if just being myself isn’t enough?
It is enough.

May 5 2004
5:38 pm
Keri Smith writes:

Dear ‘Pinky’,
I would ask you what is the definition of “overacheiver”? Does that imply that I strive for too much? I’m not sure how to answer that question, where do the lines get drawn?
To be quite honest I’ve always felt a tendency towards laziness. Ha, maybe that is a symptom of an ‘overachiever’. Truthfully, given a chance I would rather read, nap, eat, daydream or laze about than most anything else. Yes, I can be driven at times, but it seems to balance itself out with inertia. I have set up my life in such a way that I do not have to work very much to meet my needs, I make enough to cover my overhead (low), so I can spend as much time as possible doing the things that I feel are important, living, learning, growing, eating, wandering, dreaming, playing.

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