May 9th, 2005
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distant dreams

So many thoughts swirling around my brain this morning. How do I calm it enough to let them out?
A weekend of heavy talks, warm sunny days, running, long walks (to a place where a friend still lives, though not in his body form anymore), and a sharing of secrets with women.
Women bond by bearing their souls to each other, showing their wounds.
Mother’s day is always a bit heavy for me, though I have not liked to admit this before. “no I’m fine, really. It’s just another hallmark holiday.” But there are flowers that go unbought, and sad feels. And my girlfriends feel bad about talking about their day with me. But it is good to talk about it.
And it feels good to be asked, “how are you doing?”
I was honest this time.
A sentence by the powerful Jen Gray has been sitting with me this morning. She wrote:
“I’m afraid of not living this life the way my soul desires to.”
So many years of talking about being daring and courageous, wanting to jump into my dreams with both feet. But talking and doing are different things. When it comes to really going to a new place, I start feeling terrified by the reality of it all. Can I really do it?
Sometimes my perception of myself and the reality of myself are two different things. I so badly want to be this worldly, adventurous traveller, pursuing foreign lands, taking in the world with all of my senses like an Enid Blyton character. But the real me feels safer looking at it from the comfort of my house, afraid to venture out for fear of change.
For a long time I have said that I would like to experience living in a foreign culture, at least once in my life. Something that would shift my perception of things forever, as these things are apt to do. It is so easy to view the world from one standpoint, we become rather one sided over time. How often I have spoken about wanting to push myself out of this. And then you reach an age where you question, will I ever do it? If not now when? Life is so very comfortable with what I know. Who would I be in a different place? Would I be able to create in the same way? What if I don’t like the person I become?
I will never know unless I try.
I am thinking about moving to Spain for a year. More than thinking really, planning.
I have nothing to lose, but I am scared. The thing is, I will jump off the cliff fear in hand. I have done it before in different ways and survived.
A powerful woman said to me yesterday, “You will emerge finding that well of strength that comes from inside. That is with you always, and sometimes it is hard to find at first but it IS there.”
I believe her. Now I must prove it to myself.
I have written many times in my journal, “Trust yourself, you are much stronger than you think.”
“When I grow up, I too will go to faraway places, and when I grow old, I too will live beside the sea.”
“That is all very well, little Alice,” said her grandfather, “but there is a third thing you must do.”
“What is that?” asked Alice.
“You must do something to make the world more beautiful,” said her grandfather.
“All right,” said Alice. But she did not know what that could be.
from Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney, 1982

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