July 23rd, 2007
day without thinking.
i have actively entered into a period of not thinking.
another experiment of mine.
i realize i am contradicting myself as the act of writing this out requires a certain amount of thinking. so i will spit this out as quickly as possible and get back to the business of not thinking.
it is the thinking that gets me in trouble every time. thinking about what to do next, about what I should be doing, about what could go wrong, about what i’m not doing right, about where the next job will come from, about the future.
when I look at the times when I have felt the most centered I notice that I was in my body more. just experiencing the day, as it was, as opposed to trying to shape it into something. there are many moments that teach me that all the shaping does little to affect the actual outcome. I know now, that it is helpful to sit and do nothing at times. But I still resist it, as the controlling mind wants to force things out of my body, (motivated entirely by fear, fear of not making a living, fear of financial ruin, etc.)
Maybe some of my thinking is due to the fact that I am reading Joan Didion these last few days. In the “Year of Magical Thinking” she shows us that at times (when we face a major crisis) life is just something that we have no choice but to endure. When waking up from sleep becomes full of effort. Often this is the only way many of us ever reach that place of full surrender. That place of pure existence. Not thinking, just being.
I am reminded that I can choose to surrender whenever I need to, that I need not have to experience a crisis to put myself into the present moment. That it is really important for me to use my body more, actively engage the senses in the most primal of ways. what if my only job today was to take care of the business of living? Move the body, prepare food, plant something, sew something, consume water, give love to other humans/animals
i’m on it.
The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion
The Day to Day Life of Albert Hastings
what a day by tucker nichols