December 29th, 2007
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cumbersome body, ecstatic mind

the house is quiet tonight. only the sounds of my dog sleeping and making occasional mouth noises and the hot waterbottle behind my head slooshing around.
returning to myself after the holidays is always an interesting transition. after days of being immersed in the world of others, there is always a strange period of adjusting back into my known interior world. The place where I create and exist largely in my head and hands.
This year is so different too as I am existing more in my body, the being in my belly seems to grow every day now, my middle is shifting and morphing as I write this. A constant reminder that I am no longer alone, or should I say ‘a lone’ being no longer. How excited I am to at some point be able to see those little feet that push so adamantly against the insides of my abdomen. I have never before experienced a feeling of being cumbersome, or had difficulty moving in any way that I wished with the greatest of ease. Such a strange place to exist in. Putting on socks leaves me winded. My breathing is labored, I have difficulty turning over in bed at night. Instead of shifting, I feel like I am hauling a large load, much like I pictured my grandfather doing, being a cod fisherman off the shores of newfoundland. the slap my belly makes as it meets the bed not unlike the slap of wet fish onto the deck of a small dory. (ok a bit of an exaggeration yes, but you must admit the image is rather colorful). I will spare you any mention of whale alegories.
I have also never experienced another human being interacting with my ribs on a regular basis. My whole life my ribs have always been something that I took for granted, aware of their existence only on a limited basis. I certainly have never have considered sharing them with anyone before in such an intimate way. I am now made aware of them on an hourly basis when somehow a foot becomes tangled in them, or kicks them to the point of pain, or how it feels like they are being crushed by my growing womb. I am amazed at how I find myself talking about them in daily conversation, as if they are just a normal inclusion much like weather or local news items.
I suppose I could go on at length about the increasing challenges of pregnancy, the heartburn, the achy hips, or the sleepless nights, but I admit that I don’t really want to do much complaining right now, (I save that for my husband who likes to help soothe my aches and pains any way he can as a way of experiencing it with me). I think part of me feels that to complain about it would be like complaining about being human. Certainly there are things that are challenging about it, and it’s important to honor those things, but man, isn’t it great to get to experience it all? Holy crap, i’m growing a human in my body, how did that happen?
Some days don’t you want to shout out loud, “Wow, this is an amazing incredible trip! I can’t belive that I get to wake up everyday and get to do it all over again.” fuck yes. Let me experience all of it.
“The world is an astonishing place.” ~Milton Glaser

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