May 19th, 2010
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clinging

“There is poetry as soon as we realize that we possess nothing.”
— John Cage

Once I begin the process of the trying to let go of something, I find myself wanting to cling to it, craving comfort and familiarity. We put our house up for sale this week and at this point I feel heartbroken by it. We put a lot of love into this place, which is what we do as a family no matter where we live, it is our nature. And yet, I know it is just a house. Just a structure, that without us does not have the same life. It is what we have brought to it that gives it meaning. There will be others. And I tell myself over and over again that I do know for sure that this is not where I want my son to grow up. I have been trying to make it into what I have wanted for a few years, and it will never be that. We have known for a long time that we would move on. It is time to clear out the old to make way for some new and different experiences.

I think it is just that old “fear of change” creeping in. Some days it’s grip on me is all consuming. I want to be in that new place already and know that it is also fulfilling and comforting. I want to know that I can exist and flourish there too. But right now it is just a vague image in my head, which is never really close to what actually occurs. And as I have learned in the past it is silly to think that I can impact and control what it will be (though my ego tells me otherwise).

It is not for me to do.

I think my fearful mood is exacerbated by the fact that I am having some minor trouble with my eye still. It is healing beautifully but there is a slight pulling on my lower lid causing my eye to become dry and tired easily. I have been instructed to massage it regularly to “loosen” it up. But it looks like I am going to be going back for a bit more surgery to release the tension.

Just another experience that is helping me to practice “letting go”. Which reminds me of another thing John Cage used to say:
“Your life is your practice.”

Ain’t that the truth. Everything you need to learn usually at the time you most need to learn it.

 
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