August 15th, 2007
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bigger


this has been the summer of adventures and surprises, (and emotional ups and downs). when i look back on it in the future i think i will see it as one of the biggest transitions I have ever had. today i write almost bursting with energy, which has been lacking for the last few weeks, (soon you will understand why).
i am not one for keeping secrets. if I cannot share something then I would rather keep quiet. it feels dishonest somehow, especially with friends. so I am ready to share something with you now and let my body let go of the weight of holding back. i am twelve weeks pregnant!
yes, it’s true.
my life (our lives) are about to change in a big way.
but I’m feeling so excited and ready for it in so many ways. the timing really couldn’t be better, (finances could be but I’m trying not to think about that too much.) already a team of women friends have jumped in to be my support network, how lucky I am to have them in my life. i already feel taken care of, while I take some time to enjoy the process and feel the changes in my body directly. For baby stuff we’re doing everything reused or recycled or handmade and i’m really excited about that. It just feels good to not have to partake in the consumerist side of things, (I learned really quickly that there is a huge industry out there targeting me right now, something you don’t learn about until you are in it. even the literature at the midwives office is trying to sell you things).
i remember talking to the artist Gord Peteran many years ago about what it was like to have children. I watched him glow as he spoke about his girls. So I asked him if he felt having children had made his life “better”. He smiled and sat thinking for a moment, (something he often did) and replied earnestly,
“not better, bigger.” What a wonderful way of putting it, I thought at the time. Better is a kind of good/bad judgement. But bigger spoke of growth, and change and challenge. All of the things that force us to move into new, stronger versions of ourselves. i pictured a heart growing several sizes. it was the best response about having kids that I had ever heard.
i am amazed at other women who appear to take pregnancy in stride as if it’s the most normal thing on the planet. natural yes. but i find it very strange. interesting and strange. certainly out of the ordinary. i feel everything in my body shifting and pulling. making noises and doing some things I’ve never seen it do before. it is a total trip.
i find myself fascinated by it. and in love with it. sometimes scared.
kind of like everyday life really.
but bigger.

 
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