the story

how much does one share, and how much does one keep for themselves? the whole of it would make the most beautiful of novels. sometimes real life is more magical than fiction.

do you believe?

one must believe if they are to listen to the story. it requires surrendering to the possiblities. sometimes the universe takes you on a new path, one that you least expect...

It begins a girl who has lost her mother. With her mother being the centre of her world she temporarily loses her bearings. A hole opens up in her that cannot be filled. Before her mother dies, while she is still able, she gives a beautiful gift. The words, "You have to power to create anything you want." And the girl believes in these words more than anything.

So she sets out to create her own life, the one that she always wanted. Most importantly she needs to find something that will fill the hole. A sense of belonging, a home to replace the one she has left. She imagines the most beautiful life. Over time all of the things she has imagined come true. A home, a village, books, a loving relationship, family & friends, pets. And she is doing the thing she loves to do most in the world, drawing. She even accomplishes all of the goals she has for herself, write a book, dance, sing, paint. She has the perfect life. She is happy. People from all over the world write her and ask how they can have that life too.

Over time she starts to question things a little.

At times she feels slightly confused about where she is going. If she has everything in her dreams what is next? Some of the things she used to want have lost their meaning, (fame, money, a following). She knows you can not always know where a path is headed. So she decides to focus on the things around her that are beautiful, nature, people, books about foreign places, films, art, and not question things so much. And in those things she finds comfort.

One day brings a new correspondance and friendship with a girl, a dialogue about life, creativity, and adversity, it continues for many months (years?). Then this post about a man who is courageous and questioning. She is intrigued by him and goes to his site to read more. She realizes that she has been there already. Twice, coming from different places. She reads his words and felt at home. He is daring and beautiful and for some reason she feels scared of him (as if she sees in him pieces of herself that she doesn't want to look at). She writes him apologizing for a strange comment she has made. When he writes her back the first three words in the letter are her name over and over. When she reads them she feels like she can hear his voice in her head. Something in her heart moves.

Over time they write giving little bits of themselves in the form of words. They tell stories about squirrels and grandfathers. They share fears about sleeping in the woods and death. He sends her some leaves he has collected one day and some more words. Because she is in a relationship with someone she cares deeply about she tells him that she can give him nothing in return. She doesn't know him after all, purely illusion. How can you feel for someone you've never met? People start asking her if she is o.k., she seems 'distracted'. So she pushes it away, tries to push him away, and it does pass.

For a while.

But it comes back. And with it a pain in her heart, her whole body begins to ache. Because if she is to contemplate him it will threaten to destroy everything that she has created for herself. One life can not exist with out the cessation of the other. And that thought is terrifying.

she goes into a state of turmoil. a week of nights with no sleep.

he writes to her:

"as your world undulates and twists, and you toss and turn in your bed, remember that this is life, and the floating paper will all settle in the end.  you're feelings for me will either go away or they won't.  your world will stay the same or it will change.  you will listen to your heart, and somehow you will know what is right, where your path is to go.  catch your breath, and it will all settle in the end." 

she takes a deep breath.

She has read many books that tell her romantic love does not exist, it is an illusion, fleeting. So she convinces herself of that. It is like a drug that loses it's potency over time. After a while, unable to sustain itself it fades leaving in it's place something common, tired, but beautiful in other ways. Only romantic love that is unrequited lives on. That is what all the great works of literature are written about. But in her heart she questions. Is there such a thing as a soul mate, what does that mean? How would you know? What is love?

These questions in turn cause her to question the relationship she is already in. She starts to see that the relationship is holding both people back from living a fully awakened life, there is only a partial commitment. The outcome is a decision to end it. Her whole being feels it is what must occur. It is one of the hardest things she has ever done in her life. The path of change. She goes into mourning...

and then begins to open herself up to new life. scary and new. she wishes that her life actually was a novel and that she could skip to the last page to see how it all turns out.

but deep down she believes that the universe brings us everything that we need to grow and is always leading us to our greatest potential. she feels in every inch of her body that the universe is teaching her to love in ways that she had been incapable of doing in the past. she is afraid of commitment because she does not want to lose herself. her brain begins a battle with her heart.

the correspondence with him continues. the letters could fill volumes, they are beautiful beyond measure. she reads his favourite novel and they discuss "true love" and decide that there is nothing else in life. one day a phone call is made and the voice on the other end is the most comforting thing she has ever heard, they speak for hours like old friends. days, years, lifetimes. tears. relief. the love grows and grows. he tells her that true love is not about losing yourself but instead about finding pieces of yourself that were lost. a blossoming.

they are told by their friend that 'it is like you share the same soul, the likenesses are uncanny.' so they decide to meet in person. they choose a spot in a beautiful woods, and they nervously walk towards each other, embracing for hours. shaking uncontrollably. it feels like they have known each other for thousands of years. it is relief to be together again after all this time. stronger than anything they have ever felt before. like home.

because they live so far apart they feel pain at the separation. like skin tearing, ripping. time slows to a devastating pace until they can see each other again. voices disconnected from bodies move over wires. late into the night.

and so he begins a journey. on a bicycle, riding across the largest of countries, and it feels like he is riding to her. so that they can begin a life together. a pilgrimage of sorts. but there are a lot of deserts, and road, and mountains in the way. he climbs, and climbs, pedals turning, pushing through many obstacles. and in the midst of it he boards a plane and flies to Canada. When he arrives he asks a question. Days later he returns to finish his journey, but there is a new strength for both of them. she takes a deep breath. there are still old fears hovering. but the love grows and grows.

how does one know if they are traveling in the right direction? trust that your heart will lead where you need to go. when your heart speaks, you will feel a deep knowing at the root of it. love, joy, pain, sadness, fear, they are all a part of it. they will be with you throughout it all. that is your truth. there is nothing else.

in this love I find myself.

the journey continues...

'and you arrive and you are lightening' -neruda

p.s. maybe if you go back and read you will see that it is all there, and there. the dance of the seven veils... and then the last veil falls to the ground.