author...illustrator...guerilla artist
author...illustrator...guerilla artist
Sitting in a café in Oakland, I have an hour before I meet up with my husband. I am eating brioche bought at a local bakery, drinking cappuccino and beginning an article that I have been saving for several days. I don’t know what it is today but I seem to be having what author Spalding Gray described as ‘perfect moments’. One after the other. In the last 20 minutes I have been complimented repeatedly by complete strangers, to the point where it has become almost unbelievable, on my collage necklace, on the smell of my handcream (sampled from a store), on how my hair looks in the sunlight. Even the graffiti in a public washroom says “I like you a lot.” It is my first time in Oakland and I find myself falling in love with the place. It is colorful here, full of diversity. Lots of cute little stores, but there is an edge to it. I like that. It feels more real somehow than the cities that try to sell you a kind of perfect package. The downside being that the contrast between the poor and the well off is great. Glaring actually. Understandably, there is a tension.
The article entitled “redefining success”, was sent to me by my dear friend Christine with a note enclosed explaining that she was clearing out her workspace when she came across it and thought of me. The topic turned out to be a theme at our recent retreat, and I find myself in a place where, like the author Pam Houston, I am reinventing my own definition of what it means to be successful. What was once a goal to “prove my worth” in my chosen field, has shifted drastically almost in the opposite direction. The question becomes, “what do you do when you find you have accomplished all of the goals you set for yourself?” “What happens when you become disillusioned with that chosen field?” “What if you find you don’t want to have anything to do with the idea of a "field"?” “So what now?” “What is it that defines me, if it is not my accomplishments?”
In reading the article I found many of my own feelings echoed in Pam’s words. What is shifting is that success is moving away from being defined by ‘things’ or ‘achievements’, and moving more in the direction of really experiencing ‘moments’. Pam writes, “creating a successful life might be as simple as determining which moments are the most valuable, and seeing how many of those I can string together in a line.” So when I look back on my life what will I feel most proud of?
The way that I lived. The fact that I did not shy away from all of the things that scared me about living but jumped right in and made a mess. The fact that I sucked everything I could from every experience, even the dark ugly stuff. Pam writes, “the moments of failure are important too.” Tears come to my eyes.
At the moment I read this a little girl with dark eyes walks past me and looks deep into my eyes as she is pulled along by her mother. For a moment we have an understanding, she sees my insides come to the surface. This is one of those moments Spalding talks about.
What’s different about defining success in this new way is that you can’t plan it. I can’t mold it or shape it or try to control every single outcome like I used to. Because I don’t know exactly what form it will take at any given time. But I am increasingly become more comfortable with the not knowing. So what does that mean in terms of art making?
I guess the simple answer is “this is my art.” All of it.
WOW! Absoluetly what I needed. So often, we measure success in all the wrong ways. I have been so inspired by this blog, it is beyond words. I visit here often, but have never posted before. This post, however warranted an occasion to thank you for being real. For being you.
Posted by: Tautchia on February 20, 2006 12:09 PMI hate the entire subject of success - our obsession with it - the coercion of comparison.
Why can't we just be happy with being?
Posted by: Richard on February 13, 2006 06:56 PMGlad you liked Oakland. It rocks! We love it here. Your blog and website are an inspiration. I forward it to tons of people. Keep on truckin.
If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal -- that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. --Thoreau
Posted by: Somebody's Mom on February 12, 2006 07:47 AMSeeing Spalding Gray with a guy I had a huge crush on in college was one of my perfect moments. Too bad his perfect moments ran out. I miss him.
I also adore Pam Houston, can you tell me where I might find the article?
Posted by: Deborah on February 10, 2006 08:29 PMhey Keri - just wanted to share this quote I've always likes about success:
"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is funny how when one most needs to "hear" the words, they appear. Thank you, Keri.
Posted by: Helene on February 9, 2006 04:31 PMwelcome to oakland! we're glad to have you.
Posted by: Bell on February 9, 2006 01:39 PMThere are things happening in my art and life that are showing me that I imprison myself when I try to live without the FREEDOM to experience the moments. My perspective of success is changing day by day lately. I am looking at this as a blessing. Thanks for the inpiration!
Christine
'I Like you a lot' what great graffiti
have you seen the you are beautiful website link from www.harrumph.com
Posted by: m on February 9, 2006 11:51 AMSaw your blog title via an IF participant... It was very instructive to get honest and describe to myself what success was... I realized that success wasn't the same as "being good at what I do" exactly, nor was it only about cash-in-bank. A clear eyed view of what it did and didn't mean certainly makes it easier to aim for.
Posted by: Painter Woman on February 9, 2006 02:15 AMThis is my art
This is art
This is
This
WoW, Excellent post! Personally timely for me as well. Very, heartfelt and warm!
Posted by: valgalart on February 8, 2006 11:44 PMThank-You thank-you! That was exactly what I needed to hear today. Yay for diving in and making messes and living and learning and loving all of it...even the "mistakes".
Posted by: Espana on February 8, 2006 09:41 PMLovely, simply lovely.
-Nicole
One day this summer--I stood in the yard with the gren grass under my feet, sun shining on my face, wind gently touching me and going by--there was a sweetness to the very air. I stood with my face to the sky and arms out--saying to myself "remember this". If I close my eyes right now and concentrate, I can be there again. What's fame?
Posted by: joanne S on February 8, 2006 08:57 PMHey Keri,
When you get a chance, you've got some major spam going on on this page:
http://www.kerismith.com/blog/archives/000334.html
Ugly stuff.
today I feel like saying "fuck creations"
how does that grab you?
Posted by: keri Smith on February 8, 2006 06:00 PMI was in my studio last night... when I felt creative spirit asking me to stop. Just be still.
And part of me struggled ~ saying, but if I'm not creating, then I am not creative.
But again spirit asked me to stop creating, go to my couch, curl up and read.
So I let control go. I let go of what I thought creating looked like. I went to my red couch, curled up beneath the light and continued reading your book. It is DELIGHTFUL keri. Truly.
Art is our life created. A life created is our highest art. And sometimes creations don't look like "creations" ~ they are these magic moments, filled with consciousness and colour and aliveness.
Blessings to you,
Leonie
I find "succes" far too vague a word. I find "recognition" better. You can get your own, your peer's, your family's, your client's recognition... There's a lot of it.
Posted by: eliane on February 8, 2006 05:16 PMyour sharings of what success truly is hit home deeply with me. thank you...i'll marinate in your (and Pam's) words.
i lived in berkeley and resonate with the essence of oakland you speak of.
continue to enjoy each morsel.
Posted by: bohemiangirl on February 8, 2006 05:08 PMI've been "lurking around" for a while now and absolutely adore your work and words.
This post really said a lot to me. I'm currently struggling with how to even attempt becoming successful at what I know my true passion is (in fact I just wrote a post about this very thing on my blog this morning). But I guess when it comes down to it, I don't have to make a living at my passion - if I simply make art during my free time I'm being successful in a sense.
What is it about a child's stare or gaze that can connect so deeply with us sometimes? I have experienced that so often in my life and it sometimes "haunts" me (not in a bad way) for days afterwards.
Posted by: Beverly on February 8, 2006 04:52 PMThank you for sharing that. Much food for thought.
Posted by: Angela on February 8, 2006 04:31 PM