It is time for me to sit down and write when I feel overwhelmed with things. Returned home last night and have barely had a minute to breathe and sink back into my skin. After a week of chaos and excitement I find myself craving time alone, I need to be able to let ideas come in again, go back to my own "work". I am not the girl who likes to go to parties and make connections.
Our last night was spent in Joshua Tree, the perfect quiet and surreal ending to an otherwise magical week. On first glance a common reaction to this place might be, "this is different". Huge rock formations that look like something out of the Flinstones lay scattered in massive piles all throughout. To be immersed in a desert landscape full of wildlife and foliage so foreign to me, it was not unlike being thrown into a Doctor Seuss book. Strangely bent trees with 'pom poms' on the tops, a bush we dubbed 'the fall apart bush', (when you picked it, it would disintegrate in your hands), tiny lizards scurried beneath our feet, large eared bunnies munching on leaves by the dozens, a black furry tarantula walking casually five feet in front of us while we ate (me yelling "oh my god!"), a lone coyote slithers by us in the darkness. It all felt like a dream, yet none of it scary, quite peaceful in fact. When I got up to pee in the night I gasped out loud at the view, millions of stars with the Joshua Trees silouetted against the bright sky. I wanted to stay up all night, to take it all in. That feeling of not wanting to close your eyes for fear that you will miss something beautiful. Words do not do it justice, trust me when I say it is spectacular.
The places we visit change us forever. Joshua Tree is a part of me now.
I come home to a comfy bed and a shower, to my desk, to a kitchen that likes to be used, the things that bring me back to myself. I come home also to overwhelming things, the financial struggles (bills), rejection letters, pressures & obligations, the things that shake our confidence. And somewhere in between I must find a balance. It amazes me that after many years of being an artist there is still the wild swinging of confidence, one week you are powerful and charged, on top of the world and your craft, the next you feel plagued with feelings of hopelessness and despair, is my work of value? will anyone recognize my talents? Not surprisingly these latter feelings usually follow some kind of rejection, I start to worry that I may not survive, wonder how is it that other artists seem to do it so effortlessly, (which is actually funny since I seem to others to be one of those artists who appears to be doing this much of the time). Ebb and flow m'dears. That fly on the wall will tell you the truth.
The creative life is one of great contrast.
It requires great stillness and listening. When i become overwhelmed i am too impatient to sit and listen, or i don't wish to hear what is being said. Instead I cling to the thing that I want so badly, not open to the alternate path that the universe is trying to show me. Sometimes our ego impedes our forward movement. A fact that I don't like to admit. I am afraid of not being able to survive if I don't sell my stuff, of falling into financial ruin, of becoming homeless, of not being a sucessful artist. This does not make for good work, or honest work.
Give me my paint box and journal, that is where the REAL work begins. The stuff that no one sees.
The Real Work
It may be that when we no longer know what to do we have come to our real work.
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.
-Wendel Berry (collected poems)
Posted by kerismith at September 28, 2005 12:52 PMWhat a great post. And what a perfect poem for where I find myself lately. Thank you for your transparency and thoughtfulness.
Posted by: Grace on October 3, 2005 11:31 AMthe poem is beautiful thanks for sharing.
Thank you for the poem...amazing how well it describes the place I am at right now. To quote my Rob Brezney horoscope this week "The paradoxical truth is that the best strategy for finding your way out of the fog is to enjoy the fog." So here I am trying to enjoy the fog.
Posted by: Dominique on October 2, 2005 07:34 PMYour blog is inspiring . . .
Your ideas list is really imaginative. Life's as exciting as we make it - you can lose lose sight of this - but don't worry, life is very forgiving.
Thanks
Posted by: Kieran on October 2, 2005 06:38 PMI enjoy reading your blog and its always nice to read about an artist who is making a living at what they do. So many people think that it can't be done and I am so glad that you are proof that it can be done!
Love your observations about life when at one moment you feel at your best and then the next moment you feel at your worse - and you're right - a balance does have to be found
Posted by: Rose on October 2, 2005 03:33 PMI like to say I became a "woman" in joshua tree when I was 25. The Joshue tree is kind of like my Buddha tree. After a long road trip and much soul searching, I became a whole person sitting under a joshua tree. I knew that wherever life took me, I was going to be ok. It was an unexpectedly wonderful experience that will never leave me. It is an amazing place.
Posted by: alanna on September 30, 2005 06:44 PMDon't you just love Joshua Tree?? :)
Posted by: joleen on September 30, 2005 12:40 PMHi Keri! I've been reading your inspiring blog for months, actually years, now. I don't know if you remember this but two years ago, shortly after I moved to U.S., you sent me an email, reassuring me that my new life here would be great, that I would make friends and perhaps find a new path here. Well, you were right! When I was ready and open for everything new here in NJ, I met terrific people, made friends and now I'm painting and teaching art to children (both of which I previously thought I couldn't do). Thank you for that email. I really needed to hear that. And now you are here in the U.S.! I'm so excited for you! It IS good to shake up one's life (move to a different country), to go on an adventure (stargazing in Joshua Tree) and to take a leap into new, unknown territory (a new, bigger market). This can definitely be scary and there are moments when you may feel overwhelmed, wondering if you've made the right decision, but remember that you are a super-talented artist AND you're a level-headed woman with a vision. Your new Life will be GREAT!
Oh no ... you mean the ebb and flow of confidence, financial fears, etc., don't go away after a while ... like after you've been published, etc.? Ugh, there goes my little fantasy, delusional though it was.
Thanks Keri ... loved this post. I can totally relate. Thank you for sharing your reality with us.
Posted by: maria on September 29, 2005 09:33 AMThe south western US has got to be one of the most beautiful places on earth. Joshua tree, Monument Valley, Bryce canyon, Arches, the Saguaro cactii around Tucson, Yosemite, Death Valley. It's all too beautiful for words.
Posted by: Lil on September 29, 2005 09:07 AMJoshua Tree sounds great.
I can relate to the wild swinging of confidence you're talking about. I'm a young illustrator with one goal - to work with what I love. It's good to hear that others have these feelings of ups and downs too. I guess that's something that comes with the creative part of our lives, and something that will always be there. Don't worry, you have a lot of talent!
another amazing reflection. it's all very relative though isn't it. i look at you and where you're at artistically, and think - oh to have that. and you're at a different level saying the same thing.
Posted by: jan on September 29, 2005 01:36 AMVery well put. I love the quote too. Thanks.
Posted by: Gayla on September 29, 2005 12:10 AM...I don't wish to hear what is being said." That's so often true...
Posted by: Marilyn on September 28, 2005 11:40 PMI have been reading your blog for several months. Although I love to receive comments, I am kind of shy about leaving them. After reading your post I knew I had to! For last weeks Illustration Friday (www.illustrationfriday.com) I used you as an example of someone leading the artist life. That is my perception of you. You're published and you are supporting yourself financially through your work. To me that is such a huge, amazing, mind blowing accomplishment. Reading your post tonight grounds me and yet at the same time I am bursting with excitement...just because of the wonder of it all. How we experience the same emotions and how we are all connected. I believe in you, you are extremely gifted and an inspiration. I am going to bed tonight believing in me as well! Thank you!
Posted by: Melba on September 28, 2005 11:30 PMHi Keri - thanks for sharing your time @ Joshua Tree. Sounds amazing!! I think I wouldn't have wanted to sleep b/c I'd be afraid a tarantula would find a way into my open mouth when I drifted asleep. I'm sure the view too would have kept me awake - :)
Thanks so much for the honesty in your struggles. I can relate to the "ebb and flow" of it all.
Posted by: Jen on September 28, 2005 10:29 PMWelcome home. I have been to Joshua Tree twice, and it is indeed a magical place. :)
Posted by: Swirly on September 28, 2005 08:45 PMAhhhh....sleeping under the stars~~my favorite way to sleep.
i like that Wendell Berry poem, too.
"the impeded stream is the one that sings". Wow. I sing all day all of the time. What does that day about me? ;)
Posted by: Michelle on September 28, 2005 05:46 PMTo me, it is just easier to know that I am not the only one with these confidence swings, that it is a "normal" part of creative life.
Sometimes I think that creative people are just more aware of the cycles of life. Surely computer geeks and automakers and parents and farmers go through these cycles as well?
On the upside, riding that awareness brings us inspiration, strength and joy, as well as doubts and fears. It makes me happy to be part of the creative community. Thanks for expressing it so well, Keri.
little bird
Posted by: little bird girl on September 28, 2005 04:39 PMOh man, can I ever relate. All of those fears and more. Elated when I have work, utterly inconsolable when no one is calling. How my husband puts up with my manic-depressive behaviour is beyond me.
And now we are seriously considering buying a house in Toronto. I must be insane.
And yet I wouldn't want to do anything else. I simply couldn't.
Posted by: patricia on September 28, 2005 04:30 PMAmen, sister. No kidding on that ebb and flow thing. And it swings back and forth so quickly! Very frustrating...
Posted by: penelope on September 28, 2005 03:58 PMsigh. I have been dealing with the same issues all week, and have just today gotten my ego out of the way and my creative spirit back in the driver's seat, listening to the universe...being grateful. You're right...ebb and flow. It never changes.
Posted by: Arlia on September 28, 2005 03:14 PMI like that part where you say it still amazes you, these swings of confidence - not that I like that part :~), but that even you, it catches your breath and throws you. Does it get any easier, these rounds of despair and fear-induced insanity? Does the time and energy it takes to get over it get shorter and smaller? Does it get even a fraction easier to stare it down and say, "You are not real"?
Posted by: reachdabbleshine on September 28, 2005 03:01 PM