I awake tossing in bed, my mind unable to fully rest sits disturbed and tangled like the bunched up sheets between my legs. My cat utters a grumpy, "mroump" from the back of his throat, apparently my restless mind is keeping him up too. I run through all of the things still left to do before I leave, many of them feel big and overwhelming, it feels like a long list and the time only gets shorter. It all brings me to a kind of panic. This thinking. These thoughts that get repeated over and over, like a train whistle that screams "you're not o.k., you're not o.k." This is what I have trained myself to do.
I have started a new mantra for myself in this situation, something to do everyday when I wake up. I want to start my day on a different note. I take a long deep breath and say, "Today I'm going to do the best that I can do." That's it.
What is implied by that is I may not do it perfectly, it may not be 'right', I may not get everything resolved, maybe I don't even get close, but it will be my best and that is enough. That is all I can do. Sort of takes the pressure off to get it all done. I used to percieve myself as some kind of superhuman, able to conquer every task with great speed, skill and efficiency. The pressure to 'get it all done now' was/is overwhelming. And at the root of it is control, the need to make sure that my life functions perfectly. I laugh now as I write that last line. No life functions perfectly. And in the imperfections is the good stuff, the stuff that is worth writing about. The messiness of everyday life. Color. Who wants to write about a life that runs like clockwork?
With this understanding I am learning to be more gentle with myself. Don't try to do it all, just do what you can and feel good about that. Allow space for mystery and serendipity to come in. Allow for accidents and mistakes, for time spent doing nothing, for experience. (collage is wonderful training for this, you cannot control it too much.) When I am in a panic I am not really experiencing life, but forcing it into a little box. For the first time in my life I am starting to understand what it means to embrace my imperfections. Part of that is allowing myself to experience that vulnerability, (such a theme lately), and trust in my ability to deal with situations as they arise. Maybe I should make myself a tshirt that reads, "Imperfectionist in training."
So today I will go for lunch at the cafe, I will write a bit, make a few phone calls, do a collage, attempt one thing on my big list, go for a swim. Or maybe none of that will happen. But it will be enough.
Posted by kerismith at August 11, 2005 10:26 AMbeautiful post
beautiful collage!
i will buy that tshirt! i read blogs like yours once in a while and get inspired but nothing comes of it. so i guess it's good enough that im just reading about such an inspiration.
Posted by: blu on August 18, 2005 12:59 PMThanks for writing about that old pefectionist thing, Keri.
It has taken me years to slay my controlling daemon of an inner critic, but I finally set myself free. If we don't love ourselves, who else will see us as loveable?
Best wishes,
Peter Bryenton
Photoblog at www.peterbryenton.typepad.com/pixl
Posted by: Peter Bryenton on August 16, 2005 06:40 AMThank you for your eloquent post on a subject that I've been grappling with myself recently -- how to let myself BE, instead of always "being perfect." I've enjoyed reading your insights on this and other subjects. You write so melodically about many things.
Posted by: Nancy on August 12, 2005 05:53 PMKeri,
I used to beat myself up each day for not getting things done I thought I should. I've complely let that go. What I do now is whatever I do, and if something gets done I think it's a blessing. I think I was trying to impress others and now that I've been able to tell myself what matters is what I think to myself I feel a lot lighter.
Jenn
Posted by: Jenn on August 12, 2005 10:26 AMYou may have read this before, but here is Thich Nhat Hanh's gatha for waking up in the morning:
"Waking up this morning I smile
24 brand new hours are before me
I vow to live deeply in each moment
And to look on all beings with eyes of compassion."
On mornings when I feel the perfectionist bug, I add the phrase "including myself" to the end. :)
Take care...
Posted by: anissa on August 12, 2005 09:11 AMhow can I have taken to find this wonderful site!! Thankyou so much for sharing..
Posted by: maxine on August 12, 2005 07:34 AMAs a recovering perfectionist, I've learned that it's not only that "IT will be enough"...but also that *I* am enough. :)
Posted by: Marilyn on August 11, 2005 09:27 PMMan, oh, man...you're singin' my tune. My kingdom for that t-shirt.
Posted by: Mary on August 11, 2005 08:56 PMi'm an art therapist. if someone had handed me this collage and asked me to write what the artist was going through, my response would have been so close to what you've written. it's beautiful the way our art is so smart. it tells us things, and you are learning all about that by DOING and LISTENING and EXPERIMENTING. the best kind of learning.
hang in there, keri. some of us like you better when you're not superhuman.
Posted by: mal on August 11, 2005 06:35 PMI would wear that t-shirt.
Posted by: Gayla on August 11, 2005 06:03 PMi love what you are doing. with your art, with your questions about life and yourself, with your answers. thank you.
Posted by: tracy on August 11, 2005 05:42 PMThank you Keri for the plywood info. Excuse me for more questions. Your collages have really inspired me to integrate them as part of a healing journey I am on. That said, the process is obviously what is most important to me, but I also would love to create some visually beautiful things too in my journal and your pieces are mentoring me. I was hoping its ok to ask if you might share a little of the actual technical process with us - sorts of glues and stuff used to mishmash it all together. Thank you- also, how do you find all your misc collage materials? Thank you Keri-you are amazing , what a heart
Posted by: Lily on August 11, 2005 03:56 PM... and you should end the day by taking a deep breath, saying... today I DID the best I could. Then you'll sleep so much better:-)
Posted by: Bergensia on August 11, 2005 03:33 PM... and you should end the day by taking a deep breath, saying... today I DID the best I could. Then you'll sleep so much better:-)
Posted by: Bergensia on August 11, 2005 03:32 PMThis is just what I've been struggling with. Thanks for sharing you mantra. I think I'm going to try and adopt that mantra for myself. All we have to do is do the best we can and that's enough.
Posted by: nova on August 11, 2005 03:04 PMWhenever I am feeling like my life should be better, I bring out my Ani DiFranco albums.... "It's better to be rusty"
I love getting lost in the surprises of collage, going with the flow rather than constantly trying to fix fix fix. what a fabulous metaphor for living.
thank you for always reminding me : )
Posted by: Jane on August 11, 2005 02:38 PMDios mio, that hits home. How appropriate for you to write these words as I'm grappling for more control & organization. I feel so pulled. Part me has spent my life being experimental & messy, but not feeling completely settled in that route. The other part is wanting to be more responsible and deliberate, less wandering. I'm seeking balance, that's right for me! Thank you for sharing and participating in my inner-dialogue and growth:) Keep being gentle on yourself & imperfect & true & enjoy it all please. hee.
Posted by: mati rose on August 11, 2005 02:37 PMI have a little post it note right on my computer. I look at it everyday. It says, "Do a good job everyday." And just below it a friend of mine added, "Always incisive inclusive." It isn't about getting it all done or being perfect. It's just about doing a good job, which is always the best you can do and being aware of your infinite flawless ability to do a good job every single day. Even if that job is just looking out the window and contemplating the various shade and tones that your view affords.
Posted by: Elle on August 11, 2005 02:12 PMgentleness with self is a long practiced road.
I'm adopting your mantra from this day forward. And you're right - a messy life is more interesting than a perfect one. Thanks!
Posted by: Lani on August 11, 2005 12:08 PMHi Keri -- Thanks for these words ... they always give me something to think about. Was struck by you saying you can't control collage. I have been doing a lot of little pieces of collage lately, and am struggle with the push-me-pull-you of wanting to allow a collage to develop on its own and wanting it to say something!! But maybe the random-ness is enough, eh?
Posted by: Effie on August 11, 2005 11:45 AMI want to print this and staple it to my forehead. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thank you, my friend.
Posted by: Swirly on August 11, 2005 11:11 AMKeri,
I'm right there with you with letting things out of the tiny little perfect box I've made for them. I think your new mantra is wonderful... :)
xo
Posted by: penelope dullaghan on August 11, 2005 10:57 AM