It's hard to know what to write some days when your heart feels a little heavier than it usually does. You go out into the world hoping that the little things that usually lift you up are still there and that they still have the power to make you breathe a little deeper or smile even. Sometimes we just have to accept that our hearts are a bit heavier and that's just a part of this big life.
I've been feeling the biggness of my own life lately, amidst this heaviness. The sense that all of it is unfolding exactly as it is meant to, this after many months of not knowing. There is a distinct feeling a shedding my old skin and growing a new one. One that is stronger, more honest and different. Beautiful, but in a different way. It is not a surface beauty, not about skin or hair or eyes or face. It is not determined by how other's perceive it or what it looks like in the mirror. This beauty comes more from inside. And it grows and shifts, akward at first like an infant who is learning to walk for the first time on shaky legs. (Once they get a feel for the movement they are unstoppable.)
What I can tell you about it might surprise you. It has been emerging out of a long period of extreme doubt and questioning. Darkness. Out of the not knowing, and the fear, and loss. And i will admit that I didn't see that it was possible at the time. I felt around for a voice that had been hiding. And I found it buried under a pile of debris. My intuition which I thought had left me for good has proved to be stronger than ever, I just didn't trust it. But it was there the whole time. I had no idea.
And when I listened to it I became strong again.
Some of the things I feared most have happened. But I am still here. I can see that no matter what happens, I will be o.k. because no one can take away that strength, in fact they cannot even touch it. Even though it feels like it sometimes.
But we have to go into the darkness to find it.
"Look how beatiful this big, old, lumpy and bruised heart is?", she said with a smile. With everything it has been through it's capacity to love is greater than ever.
Posted by kerismith at July 15, 2005 10:51 AMYou have such a flair for putting your journeys into beautiful, heartfelt prose. You have no idea how incredibly encouraging that was to read-- it came at just the right time. Thank you.
Posted by: Cordelia on July 20, 2005 09:51 PMI'm glad you write even out of the darkness. That for me, is when my pen goes dull. Please keep writing. Paige
Posted by: Paige on July 19, 2005 10:10 PMYou always seem to speak what I am too afraid to say out loud. Amazing.
-jeny
Posted by: jen on July 19, 2005 02:18 PMsweet, honest, beautiful you....much love, jen
Posted by: jen on July 19, 2005 10:15 AMBless your big old, lumpy, beautiful heart.
love & laughter
Leonie
There's not a single day that goes by in which I am not humbled by those who are human in their being. It's beautiful to see that we are all so much more alike than we are different. Living a real life takes courage; it's not easy to "get out of our own way" in order to move through the darkness into the light...enjoy the warmth of the light that illuminates you!
Posted by: kelly a. on July 17, 2005 03:00 AMThank you Keri for this entry. I am printing it out and pasting it in my little book of things I want to always remember. I turn to this little book often when I am in need of strength and encouragement....theres quite a few of your entries in there now.
All the best with your move, Keri. I love the way you've been able to reframe this huge change as "an experiment". I also love the way you tell it like it is -- sharing your fears and trepidations about where you've been and where you're headed. The world needs more honesty!
Posted by: Ann D on July 16, 2005 10:58 AMIt is so wonderful when you can look around and see and hear other people working through and moving around in this beautiful and wonderful life. Sometimes when you feel most like you are going through things that no one knows... or can understand... You can look up and see... Hmm... I am not alone. And that is huge and wonderful. Thank you and many warm wishes for your journey.
Posted by: Jennifer on July 15, 2005 10:04 PMReading Anne Frank's quote below I was thinking "now I am sure I saw this somewhere not too long ago." And of course I did - in Keri's book 'Living Out Loud' which I read only last week on holiday! It's a very inspirational book for anyone contemplating or going through change. Will you write another one, Keri?
Posted by: Kerstin on July 15, 2005 07:20 PMThe best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.
Anne Frank
P.S. This quote came to mind along with a vision of you walking in the woods.
Posted by: D on July 15, 2005 04:05 PMI like your site and enjoy your Bea's Diary site, too. For me, all of Pema Chodron books are helpful, especially, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Hard Times and John Tarrant's book: The Light Inside the Dark: zen, soul, and the spiritual life.
In mainstream American culture we're encouraged to discard anything unpleasant, to seek only pleasure, and to constantly "improve" ourselves. We cannot fully enjoy all the wonders of life if we fail to see that it is garbage that makes flowers grow. When we lovingly tend our own 'garbage', we uncover the hidden gems we would have thrown out.
wow, i just wrote this longwinded unpoetic entry about fears and then i read your beautifully crafted entry that seems to sum it all up. thank you! i feel stronger the more vulnerable i feel today. it's true about the bruised heart!
Posted by: mati rose on July 15, 2005 03:20 PMYes!
Posted by: Gemma on July 15, 2005 02:44 PMKeri, Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your thoughts, feelings, fears and courage as you face these big changes in your life. I am facing a lot of my own big changes at the moment and I am finding TREMENDOUS comfort in reading your words. You give me thoughts to contrast and compare with my own feelings and you give me insight, optimism and hope that I will be able to be as courageous as you are. Thanks again!
Posted by: Sara on July 15, 2005 02:31 PMBeautiful post, Keri. I can very much relate to what you said about your intuition ... how it's always been there ... and comes back stronger when we're willing to listen to it (to the chagrin of all the other voices in our head).
I'm currently reading a wonderful book about your last point ... how we have to go into the darkness to find it. It's by Elizabeth Lesser (co-founder of the Omega Institute) and is called Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. Many good stories and words of wisdom in it.
Posted by: maria on July 15, 2005 12:47 PMKeri, you continue to move and inspire me. Best of luck with your impending move. My best friend just moved to Davis from San Luis Obispo for grad school, and so far she's enjoying it--especially the bike-friendly atmosphere and farmer's markets!
Posted by: Jillian on July 15, 2005 12:21 PMYour strength and resilience are your most beautiful qualities and they inspire me and all of us to find them in ourselves.
Posted by: Kelly on July 15, 2005 11:46 AM