At the age of eight years old while driving in the car my dad would often say to my sister and I in a stern voice, "Don't laugh", which had the immediate and desired result of sending us into that face scruntching, "trying-to-hold-it-in-but-being-unsuccessful" look, followed by peals of giggling. "I mean it, don't laugh." We would work intensely at it for several seconds at least. (The
don't laugh trick was seconded only by my father's other favourite "don't think of a pink elephant.") This photo reminded me of that about to burst feeling, something I hadn't though about in years.
As I enter into my 35th year on this planet I stop to think about the things I am grateful for, the things that are making me grow, the things that are a life...
a new circle of women friends all open to experiencing and sharing the hard bits, a husband whose face lights up when I walk in the room (i will never tire of that), leather bound journals from italy that I like to smell when I write in them, dragon flies, humming birds, a new found ability to cry with friends, the good books of the year, Jim Harrison, A movable feast, William Carlos Williams, learning to speak my truth with people, finding my voice more, whole milk vanilla ice cream, toast with honey, soft boiled eggs, tea, tea, tea, black licorice, music by Gillian Welch, the B-Good Tanya's, Christian Keifer, Jeff Pitcher, Spinoza, my new agent Faith, Natalie Goldberg, Maira Kahlman, a quiet wedding in the fog, doing my best and understanding it is enough, guerilla art, animal houses, holes in trees, late night phone calls, losing my confidence, finding it again, change, missing my mom and allowing myself to grieve, chewy sweet tarts, two grey fuzzy cats one fat one thin, friday night pizzas, zip.ca, wine that makes you close your eyes and smile, new york wanderings, california adventures, courage, finding my center in the midst of chaos, trust, finding grace (even when I think it isn't there), watching children, sharing stories, experiencing vulnerability, sitting with discomfort, riding my bike, cloth grocery bags, black ink pens, morning collages, picking my first lemon, knowing less than I did a few years ago, but feeling more.
I didn't find any new answers, just a few more questions that I hadn't thought of.
Posted by kerismith at June 24, 2005 10:12 AMKeri,
Can you stand one more Happy Birthday? This was a really great post. I love how you celebrate life in your blog. I also love your reading list. (MOstly because I've read alot of the same books you have!) I'll be back for another visit.
Lindsay
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Posted by: Famvir on July 1, 2005 10:49 PMyou are such an inspiration!
Posted by: annukka on June 30, 2005 10:50 AMHappy Birthday to you - a person who always reminds me that the world is an amazing place. May all your dreams come true.....
Posted by: Yasmin on June 29, 2005 08:48 PMI feel fortunate to have stumbled upon your site today. My dream is to write and just reading your latest post has helped to remind me how inspiring the written word can be. It has also helped me refocus on what is really important in life and to aim to find more questions as you said, instead of just looking for answers. Stay strong!
Posted by: kristen on June 27, 2005 12:49 PMHi Keri,
Happy Birthday-having turned 36 this year myself, I find myself more liberated every year I get older.
Good vibes for your breast 'issues'- I am so glad you chose to talk about it. I have had similar dilemmas with a constantly sick child, my daughter who suffers from Asthma. I have found myself wanting to lie and pretend yes she is fine lately, when I talk to people, when in reality she has had been very sick yet again.
But I am so tired of talking about it and friends not really knowing what to say-and people saying 'Your Kids are always sick'-the worst. I feel like Iam locked up in this 'illness' world and people dont want to come and 'visit' because it scares them.
Sorry to go on it just is..blahh
I regularly read your site and love your 'voice', I love the way you love tea, as I cannot surivive without my tea.
Michal
Posted by: Michal on June 27, 2005 03:23 AMThere is a typo, am sorry... I mean, " I just would like you know that I am very happy to see your smile."
Posted by: Four on June 26, 2005 10:52 AMHi! I am from Hong Kong and being your reader over 2 years. I just would like you that... I am very happy to see your smile.
Posted by: Four on June 26, 2005 10:50 AMA quick but probably unnecessary addendum: partly what I mean by "kicks ass" is that it is encouraging to see women like you who seem happier now than they were in their 20s, more themselves & doing what they love.
Posted by: Annie I on June 25, 2005 10:05 PMHappy birthday, Keri! You share the same birthday as my sister, Shelly, who is one of my most favorite people in the world (after, of course, my husband & son).
I'm about to turn 30 this year & just started freelancing a year ago. I find so much inspiration from your work & your blog - when I start worrying about all the signs of being older (big pores, saggy parts, etc.), it is very encouraging to know (or know of, through the wonder of the web) women in their 30s who kick ass.
Hope the rest of your day (even though it's getting late) is blessed.
Posted by: Annie I on June 25, 2005 10:02 PMHappy birthday,Keri!
I always enjoy reading your block, you are such an inspiration... Thank you so much for everything, your words and your art (I esp. loved the thought about "knowing less, but feeling more" in your last post, that's so true for me, too)
All the best to you from Berlin. Enjoy your day...
Katrin
Happy birtday, Kerry! I wish you answers to at least some of these questions, but more importantly I wish you more questions...
Many sunny greetings from accross the world, Anamarija :-)
Keri,
This was woderful to read. Your life if so full and I love that you get that. Keep this and read it anytime things seem hard, or far away.
Happy Birthday to you.
Jenn
Posted by: jenn on June 25, 2005 01:47 PMHappy Birthday Keri! A new chapter awaits you. Celebrate loud and proper. Wishing you and yours all the best.
Posted by: Honey on June 25, 2005 12:51 PMWishing you a very happy birthday!
Posted by: Amanda on June 25, 2005 11:49 AMMay you continue gallivanting for the rest of the year.
Posted by: ab on June 25, 2005 11:42 AMAnother gorgeous post. Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Chris on June 25, 2005 10:00 AMHappy Birthday now that is really *is* the 25th! I hope you have a wonderful day! My siblings and I used to play the "don't laugh" game with each other. I have fun doing that with my own daughters now. Alright, the husband too.
Posted by: Michelle on June 25, 2005 09:08 AMHappy birthday keri, hope all good things come true for you. wishing you all the best!
Posted by: gulnaz on June 25, 2005 08:54 AMHappy Birthday Keri! May your year be filled with wishes come true.
Posted by: maria on June 25, 2005 07:56 AM"losing my confidence, finding it again" - very important words!
Happy birthday, Keri (now it's the 25th, at least in my time zone :)!! I wish you a beautiful 35th year. You really are a wonderful person!
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Posted by: Valium on June 25, 2005 04:18 AMkeri, you are lovely. inside and out. thank you for being out there. you do much more for others than you are aware of.
Posted by: emma on June 25, 2005 12:47 AMhappy birthday sweetness... love the photie
Posted by: chlamygirl on June 24, 2005 08:12 PMHappy Happy 35th Birthday!! I hope you have the best day filled with things that you absolutely love!!
Posted by: Jen on June 24, 2005 06:43 PMHappy birthday pretty lady!
Posted by: roz on June 24, 2005 06:12 PMHappy Birthday Keri!!
I hope you have a wonderful day! 35? Itīs a great number. For me it was a great year!!
You look so happy in the photo! Thatīs good!!
Best wishes
natascha
I hope you enjoyed your picnic Keri. After days of living outside here, where ever meal has felt a little like a picnic (minus the hamper) the rain has returned and I've spent most of today in bed. The change is good.
Happy Birthday.
Michael
Posted by: Michael Nobbs on June 24, 2005 05:13 PMHappy Galavanting!
I had my beautiful daughter in my 35th year or maybe it was my 36th. I suppose it depends on how one counts. If I start at 0 I was entering my 36th year. If I count starting with my first birthday it was my 35th year. 35, an auspicious number.
My goodness, you are beautiful inside *and* out! have a lovely birthday.
Posted by: Chel Micheline on June 24, 2005 04:12 PMthanks for being such an inspiration, Keri. hope you have a birthday as lovely as you are!
Posted by: ani on June 24, 2005 04:01 PMkeri, your list is beautiful. it moved me as i read it. i told a friend yesterday who is going through hard times that she has to find any glimmer of happiness in those little things that don't seem like much at the time but when you add them together they are a lifetime. it never fails to move me when i read a list like yours. thank you for sharing.
Posted by: celisa on June 24, 2005 03:38 PMOY!! you are so freaking adorable. when i saw your pic today at the blog i thought what an incredible snapshot. PURE joy is coming out of your pores! i just love seeing your beautiful birthday mug on the screen. have a happy happy day of galavanting. i cherish your exisitence and celebrate you tomorrow!
xoxoxoxo pix
Happy birthday, Keri! I hope this is an amazing year for you!
xo
Happy Birthday, I really wanted to say it.
I don't know why I came here; everything you've written makes me so sad.
Onward and upward. Good luck to you, Keri.
Posted by: Marina S on June 24, 2005 02:26 PMEnjoy your birthday. Hope it's a great day.
Love the pic.
Posted by: patricia on June 24, 2005 01:40 PMactually my birthday is tomorrow the 25th, but I wanted to write about it since I will be off galavanting somewhere.
(I like the word galavanting).
k.
Posted by: keri Smith on June 24, 2005 01:25 PMHappy happy birthday Keri!
May it be filled with colorful flowers, laughter, pure glee and ... wishes coming true.
Thank you for being a true inspiration and hero as well! This past year your writings inspired me to pursue my dream of painting and now the dream is real! thank you .. thank you!
Thank you also for bringing more beauty into this world... just like ms. Rumphius.. you are "planting your own lupines" and giving joy to many!
made me smile to see your birthday is close to mine.. june 25.. turning 34.... ahh, the adventures of the mid 30's...
Happy Day and sparkly candles to you!
Tricia
Many happy returns, Keri. You're one of my heros, did I ever tell you that? :)
Posted by: Anna C. on June 24, 2005 01:05 PMwishing a beautiful year to a beautiful person! (you're my hero!)
Posted by: jenny vorwaller on June 24, 2005 12:46 PMhi and happy birthday
when folks used to say don't laugh - i think that is when milk would spit out of my nose and tears roll down my face trying to hold the giggles...
Collages & black inkpens, now THAT's as good as it gets :)
patty
Posted by: patty on June 24, 2005 12:35 PMHappy birthday!
Posted by: eliane on June 24, 2005 11:37 AM