I sometimes hesitate to write about more of the health issues here, partly because I am tired of writing about it, and partly because I feel it is not very poetic. But maybe this IS the poetry, the everydayness, the real details of a life. That feeling of your world stopping for a moment when something really important comes up and serves to reshift things in a way you didn't expect. I always have the same feeling when a big life change happens (illness, death, loss), it is difficult to put it into words. It is as if time has stopped for you and no one else. I am always very aware of the rest of the world going on around me but I am not in it. I am watching the world and become tuned into the smallest details, I look at people as if they are ants going about their daily tasks, and the tasks seem strange to me. The cutting of lawns, going to the dentist, office work. absurd.
I write about the health issues here because I think in our culture we do not talk about these things enough, the things that we ALL go through at some point. And we are all learning as we go. We heal with each other's stories. I write about it in case some of you are going through a similar situation.
So the update...the meeting with the surgeon went well (though extremely brief. Contrast that with the three hours spent with the accupunturist who asked hundreds of questions about my life, my personality, what gives me joy, what makes me sad, etc.) The surgeon confirmed that the fibroid is not cancerous, so I am very relieved by that fact. (Just to clear up some confusion, I have two different types of cysts in one breast, a mass of normal cysts which had grown in the last few months, and a larger fibroid cyst which I have had for many years, which the surgeon said IS a tumour. So the fibroid is something that has to be watched because they can change.) I have dealt with this for many years now, but this was the first time my doctor suggested a surgeon and that was scary. What I have learned is that this seems to be a normal thing with a lot of women. The question seems to be 'when is a breast lump not just a breast lump?'
So I will keep on with my own healing regiment. I will eat good food, and I will live as fully as I can. And I will go back to my own routines as we all do. The paying of bills, the phone calls to people, buying food, the moving of the body. And someone else who may be going through their own change will see me through the window of a car for a split second, going about my busyness, and think it strange. It is.
I would like to do something every day that is contrary to the 'routine'.
Today that means a picnic in the woods.
Posted by kerismith at June 22, 2005 10:17 AMNo wonder his face lights up. You are one cutie a patootie.
Posted by: empressofdirt on June 25, 2005 06:02 PMYour words are remarkable!
Thank you, I'm sure you're as beautiful inside as you are out.
:)
Posted by: Wade on June 25, 2005 05:32 PMkeri, i have been a fan of yours for a very long time. i think your honesty is refreshing and i love how you are able to share with the world parts of your life. thank you so much.
Posted by: christine on June 23, 2005 11:50 AMI so appreciate the way you described dealing with health issues. I too deal with what the Dr calls fibroid adenomas. I go for mammos every 6 months and have had at least 5 biopsies. So far everything has been benign PTL. You described the feeling of life going on around you perfectly. The 3 days I have to wait after a biopsy to hear the results are killer. I am due for my next mammo, but I keep putting it off. I hate having to do this!! Thanks for the encouragement.
Posted by: shopgirl on June 23, 2005 09:25 AMKeri, I am glad to hear the good news.
I'm happy you decided to post about your experience, because I think too many health-related issues are regarded as taboo today and shouldn't be.
This is an issue dear and close to me, although I surely have none of your talent or sensitivity to express it appropriately. Thanks for sharing it with us. Take care, and I hope you keep the "do a crazy/not routine thing a day" resolution.
My father also died 3 weeks ago and I am shocked at how people are so reluctant to speak to me about it. I know that feeling of watching other people going about their ordinary everyday lives while you can only see through a glass darkly.
Posted by: ab on June 23, 2005 08:25 AMA friend shared this:
Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, savor you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it will not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky, and want more than all the world your return.
Credits go to Mary Jean Irion from the book entitled, Yes, World : a mosaic of meditation.
I was sent for a mammogram by my dr three weeks ago on my bday amazingly,and because it runs in the family I was a bit bewildered.But what you've written is exactly how I felt during the wait and walk to the radiographist as if people including myself where busying themselves with the most nonsensical useless things.
Posted by: kate on June 23, 2005 07:36 AMBeautiful spread in the book, lovely text. I agree with you, you shold write about this and everything. You are so good at it and when I take the time to read I really feel something in my heart everytime I come by.
Take care now!
Posted by: Hanna on June 23, 2005 06:19 AMHello Kerri,
I hope you become well soon.
Surely, it is hard time for you, but i am sure there is a meaning in it.
May God bless you.
Oh sweet Keri, what could be more poetic than the body.
We are nature incarnate, swirling DNA like a whirling dervish.
You are brave and inspiring always.
I too struggle with health issues. Sometimes being a ball of light in a skin suit really sucks ass.
We are all fighting an uphill battle, but with love we can make it quite far even when it rains doubt.
I send you much courage and one prescription to add to your regimine.
Vitamin E.
Sorry, couldn't help doctoring a bit...and as long as I am doing so I will tell you this...
In addition to eating foods and taking herbs that build Qi, you also should speak to your acupuncturist about untangling Qi that is "stuck". In Chinese medicine the liver controls the smooth flow of Qi and also directly affects the breasts, as the Liver meridian crosses them. This may be one of the reasons that practitioners recommend reducing caffeine and increasing water. Doing so eases the burden on the Liver and helps fibroids.
Check out a Chinese formula called "Bupleurum Entangled Qi" by the company Health Concerns. I have used it effectively in clinical practice to treat fibrocystic breast issues. It may take six months or more, but it is amazing at reducing the lumps, often completely eliminating them.
Also read "Dr. Susan Loves Breast Book" if you haven't already.
OK, so maybe I couldn't help being a lot doctorly.
Hope I helped shed a little light.
Be well.
Love,
Donavan
Posted by: Donavan on June 23, 2005 01:18 AMBlessings of abundant joy to you dear Keri. Thank you for sharing the gift of your story.
Posted by: Gemma on June 23, 2005 12:33 AMhonouring all these parts of your self.
"there's no such thing as bad news"
Posted by: Leonie on June 22, 2005 10:36 PMPositive energy coming your way. Stay in a constant stay of belief and positiveness. You can not go wrong if you are a believer that God only puts trials in your life to strenghten you.
Posted by: Lu on June 22, 2005 08:02 PMglad to hear that the news is good for your cysts. i agree with you, we don't talk about things like this enough. too often when we do, when we are open and honest about what we are struggling with, some people can hear it as complaining. hopefully your posts will inspire others to share what they have gone through, or are going through, so we can all learn from each other and uplift each other.
Posted by: Aimee on June 22, 2005 06:31 PMI have been thinking the exact same thing. But since I am a scattered person who is not used to routine, intead of shaking myself out of the familiar, I seem to be putting myself onto a path, one that makes me happier.
I am balancing that by returning to things that I had not been doing as much as I wanted too. More reading, more relaxing, more cooking, more drawing. More taking care of my household and myself. More simple things.
I no longer want to have to worry about the things I didn't get to do.
I am also trying to communicate to the people around me more, even people like you who I don't know, but read, and respect, and would like to know. I am trying to be honest with myself. It's making me feel so good in the midst of a time when I should be driven crazy.
Thank you for sharing details about your health AND your art. I agree that we don't discuss those things enough.
The comments about how you felt seeing people go about their business reminded me of how I felt when I went back to visit my home town years ago. I was shocked to see that life went on without me there! My neighbors' kids had gone and grown up on me, the house I grew up in had been drastically altered by its new residents. Sometimes you really do feel like the world should stop when you aren't involved in it.
Posted by: Courtney on June 22, 2005 05:48 PMmy father just passed away most unexpectedly (a month ago today) and your description of how everything just keeps going on in its mundane way while you are in a different space is so true.
i'm very glad to hear your news from the surgeon was good. and thank you for sharing your process of healing. it makes me stop to think about my life/health. yes, i think i will do something out of my routine today too.
Posted by: ani on June 22, 2005 02:14 PMWhat Maria said- Glad the news is okay, and hoping your picnic is wonderful.
Posted by: Aesop on June 22, 2005 01:37 PMI am glad the news was good. Enjoy the picnic.
Posted by: rebecca on June 22, 2005 12:47 PMWhat a beautiful post, Keri. I have felt the same way about the 'absurdity' of people going on about what seem like mundane details of life when something rocks your world (and not in the good sense). It's a very strange feeling that you captured very well with your words.
I'm so glad for your good news about the cysts, even though it is still good to heed the whisper and not fall asleep about them.
Best wishes and thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Posted by: maria on June 22, 2005 12:10 PMI just found your blog today, and it is really lovely. Your collage is beautiful. I wish you health and happiness. My Aunt is slowly recovering after the removal of two cancerous tumors-talking about it is such a part of healing. Good luck!
Posted by: abby on June 22, 2005 11:14 AM