I am here. Where is here. Here is the cool weather of california, the emotional release after a session of accupuncture, time visiting with family. Here is me needing some alone time. So I retreat to the journal for a few minutes. I read the first chapter of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" and it makes me teary. (the main character is caregiving for a mother who is dying of cancer. I was warned ahead of time that it would be a hard read for me, hitting close to home. But sometimes it is helpful to see our own lives reflected back to us, to see our own grief, there are things that I forgot about the process of watching someone die.)
I went to see an accupuncturist in Berkeley for the first time last week in an attempt to heal a mass of cysts in my right breast. My doctor recommended surgery to have them removed but I want to try other options first (assuming they are not cancerous), and at some level to try to understand why they are there. I want to believe in the body's ability to heal itself. Anyone who has had a scare of this sort (I have talked to so many women now with the same situation) will understand the fears that come up and the conflicting opinions of doctors/friends. There appear to be two camps, 1) the "get it OUT NOW" group, and the 2) 'this is very common' do not worry camp. I am doing my best to sit quietly with it, hear what my intuition has to say. The beautiful thing to come out of it thus far, (as is common with these things), is the reminder to 'come back to the body', to give it some needed love and attention. Something that we all forget while in a state of perfect health.
The accupuncturist said some things that surprised me. He placed his fingers on my wrist in several formations, sat attentively for a few minutes and told me some things that were difficult to hear.
"Are you a person who takes shortcuts often?" he posed. "Yes", I responded reluntantly, eyes turned to the floor. I brought them up again to a shelf that held several small ceramic Buddha's, all laughing, tiny robes hanging non chalantly over their round little bellies. For a moment I felt like they were laughing at me. "It is costing you", he said in a serious tone, eyes looking directly into mine. I swallowed and took a deep breath. I think I knew that but didn't want to admit it to myself. My need to push through things so that they are quickly finished overtakes me, the end result of completion often more important than the finished product. Such is the way of the human ego.
Patience. I will work on that one. So many things to work on.
But there is an ocean of gratitude that creeps in. I feel healthier physically than I have in many years, I have use of my legs, my brain, my heart, my fingers. I will spend some quiet time everyday to send love to my body, and to my breast. In time I will heal.
Tomorrow we board a plane.
Posted by kerismith at June 12, 2005 02:01 PMHi Keri,
I was surprised to read about this. I was once informed by my doctor that i had some cysts in my breast. I had it aspirated. It was a very fast procedure, they just injected a needle on your breast and sucked the fluid. According to my OB, if it's just brownish or transparent, it's just excess fluid but if blood comes out then that's the time that they need to operate.
YOu may try asking your OB about that. I hope everything goes well with you. i have been enjoying your journals since last year and it inspires me to write.
Please keep on being an inspiration to others.
Posted by: Jing on June 22, 2005 08:17 AMHi Keri. I was shocked to read this post. I have been lurking about your site ever since I heard you speak at the How Design conference. You made a big impact on me and I'm glad you had the courage to share your story, both then and now.
I wish you well and wish I could do more than just posting a comment. Take care.
Posted by: Steve on June 21, 2005 06:47 PMUse your brain, Keri. Don't gamble.
Posted by: eliane on June 15, 2005 07:24 AMyou are so bRaVE! healing thoughts:)
Posted by: kristen on June 14, 2005 10:53 PMhi sweetie,
you are so brave and so beautiful. your medicine holds such powerful healing for you.
GIANT HUGS
Posted by: pixie on June 14, 2005 07:40 PMCourage.
Many, many people are sending you the very best wishes and prayers.
love and healing sent to you...
your sharing is a very brave action.
I can vouch for quitting caffeine in getting rid of cysts. I had one on the side of my face of all places. I quit caffeine (I drink tons of coffee) and within 3 days the cyst was gone. Caffeine is in many things..you have to quit them all for it to work..pop, coffee, tea, chocolate,etc. After it was gone I could go back to the caffeine after a time.
Posted by: Pat on June 14, 2005 09:50 AMI thought I wouldn't leave a comment beacuse I'm afraid I'll offend you. I just want to make sure that you *know* they're not cancerous. Please do a biopsy if you haven't already.
Acupunture is good but you have to be certain.
You will probably receive a lot of advice along the lines of giving up caffeine, taking evening primrose oil, and losing some of your stress (all of which helps). I want to let you know that I have had ultrasounds on mine, and they are riddled with tiny raisin-like cysts. They rarely bother me now, and the painful part seems to have been a phase. I wish you well.
Posted by: schmutzie on June 13, 2005 08:34 PMHi Keri,
I have exactly the same as you ~ cystic boobs.
I'm leaving them be exactly as they are. They are naturally forming.
Maybe the lesson is in imperfection.
Cystic or not, they are still breasts.
They still do their job.
Blessings to you,
leonie
oh yeah, and get yourself one of those laughing buddhas. maybe he wasn't laughing "at" you, perhaps he was reminding you to keep laughing no matter what
i love those little buddhas
Posted by: kaleidoscope lucy on June 13, 2005 03:15 PMBetter than a thousand useless words is one single word that gives peace -- Dhammapada
my single word to you ~ listen
~blessings, lucy
Posted by: kaleidoscope lucy on June 13, 2005 03:03 PMthe best of luck to you on your travels and in your healing. bravo for holding patience and simultaneously adventure! be well, mati
Posted by: mati rose on June 13, 2005 12:48 PMSending warm, healing thoughts your way.
Posted by: Kelly on June 13, 2005 11:21 AMPrayers and love to you Keri. Even in the way you deal with challenges such as this you are deeply inspiring and demonstrate such a beautiful spirit. One day, one moment, one breath at a time, I'm sure you'll get through this. I'd say take loving care of yourself, but it seems clear from your blog you already know that! Sending huge hugs your way.
Posted by: Alex on June 13, 2005 11:15 AMI happen to be looking for an acupuncturist in the East Bay, if you wouldn't mind passing along the info...
My mother has dealt with similar health issues and they have always turned out to be nothing. Crossing my fingers for you!
Posted by: Kate on June 13, 2005 11:03 AMAccupunture is great. I have had Reike sessions and it is also very healing. I am sending good thoughts your way but in the meantime I do hope you are going to get those lumps biopsied. If you come across any questions your Doc can't answer, my husband is an MD/PhD (the PhD is in tumor biology) here at the Mayo Clinic and may be able to help.
Posted by: Michelle on June 13, 2005 10:59 AMkeri,
sending you the best wishes to take care of yourself and be gentle during this time. i hopethat everything will be okay and i'm thining of you.
love, jenny
Try also going to a nutritionist. Oftentimes our diet can cause hormonal imbalances which can cause things like cysts, bad menstrual cramps or acne.
Posted by: Carolyn on June 13, 2005 07:26 AMi second m's recommendation of northrup's book. she has some powerful things to say about the connection between emotional and physical health and healing. (her latest book, mother-daughter wisdom, is also a good one... has helped me understand a few more things about my relationship with my mother and some of the physical aspects of that.)
courage!
I read an artikel a couple of weeks ago. It was about Brandon Bays. Through intensive soulsearching / self healing she had cured herself of cancer. (This doesn't, in any way, do justice to the artikel.) She had written a book about it and now travels the world to talk and teach about her "journeymethod".
www.thejourney.com
I am not so good with inspirational words or beautifull language of sending good vibes and healing. But I mean it anyway. I hope sending you this .com adres can be of some meaning too.
With love, sas.
Posted by: saskia on June 13, 2005 06:45 AMKeri-If you haven't done so yet, ask your doctor to send you to have an ultrasound to see if the cysts are solid or fluid-filled. Mammograms don't differentiate these. Stress and caffeine tend to encourage the fluid-filled ones and while they can be lanced, they tend to come right back.
Always wishing you the best!
(from a long time lurker)
Take a look at Christiane Northrups "women's bodies Womens wisdom' it might be healing.
hugs to you keri
Posted by: m on June 13, 2005 04:39 AMkeri,
blessings and courage to you this day. may you find every bit of solace and wisdom you need to know your heart and find your way.
Sending you peace, strength, health and clarity.
Posted by: Honey on June 12, 2005 10:04 PMMy best wishes and love from Spain!! I send you healing sun with this e-mail!!
Posted by: natascha on June 12, 2005 08:41 PMAll the best wishes for a complete recovery!
Posted by: Maria on June 12, 2005 08:26 PMSending you good vibes for a full clearing and recovery! With Love, Dawn
Posted by: Dawn on June 12, 2005 07:53 PMBrave piece this is! Take care!
Posted by: Linn on June 12, 2005 05:17 PM