(Second post in a month) after a long long time not reading this blog, lately I drop in again and download ALL the months, since the beginning. In a rather slow time at my work I used to read them every day, till today. And what struck me most is that there is a 'leit motiv': the courage Keri always gives. She is like a battery (and I am sometimes... a piece of wood). Thats why you found many of the post from other people sayind 'thanks'. So, thanks again, and again, Keri Smith, from a chunk of wood turning, at last, to life.

Very insightful. :)

I'll be 30 in September & I've spent most of my twenties wondering how the hell I got so self-conscious...and where I lost the rockstar confidence I had in elementary school. This post really hit a chord in me. I love the days when I can be nine again, the days when I don't worry about the 10 pounds I can't seem to lose since having my son...or whether or not I will ever reach my potential as an artist & illustrator. On those days, I feel like I can do anything & it all melts away. Have you read Ann Lamott's latest book? I find it very encouraging (& Kerstin, above, confirmed this) that many women in their 40s & 50s that I admire are content, confident.

One other thing...have you seen the movie version of Harriet the Spy? I'd almost dare to say it's better than the book (quite rare). I found I could identify pretty highly with Harriet.

thank you!!!

If you're up for it, I tagged you for book tag on my blog:

http://daintee.bellechanson.org

I want to reach out and give you a hug, in order to thank you for sharing this. I agree that confidence is elusive. At least it is for me. It's like a butterfly that flits into my life, brightens my day and captivates me during that moment...and then it leaves and I lean closer to the window, looking for it, wanting it to return.

I thank you for your post. I think it will help me not to feel so tortured when confidence leaves, when it is missing...because I know it will be back. The irony in that is, if I know it will flit back into my life at some point, I could quit looking for it. And that would bring me peace, and perhaps, confidence.

The acceptance of it as elusive, I think, could bring it back 'round to me again.

Thanks for this post Keri. I so need it. It came at a good time and complements the book I am reading, Revolution From Within: A Book of Self-Esteem by Gloria Steinem. I highly recommend it!

hmmmmm....I'm not "flatty patty" I'm "Fat Felecia" and it does stick with you a unreasonably long time. Honesty and forgiveness are certainly unexpected keys to the jail cell...especially when we vow to never let somebody like "that" ever hurt us again. The walls we build seem safer, somehow. Its hard to think of them as dangerous.

Thanks for this...its good for all of us to know we are alone together rather than simply alone.

You have such a gift. Your words and thoughts on self consciousness are so inspiring. You know, I have been secretively pondering this whole mess for a couple of years. One day, I woke up and I wasn't perfect anymore. I cared what people thought of me. Validation a must. Where did it start? Maybe, it was hidden away from childhood, and througout the teens and twenties I had the power to push down those emotions? Now in my thirties I am sorting out who I am and who I want to be... maybe that discovery process, brings it all to the surface. I don't know, but I despise the whole self conscious, 'observed life' thing. Living in the moment, which is what we should be doing, involves no judgement, no looking back or to tomorrow, or to the person on your left, who just happens to be more talented and has it all going on. To live in the moment, means to stare at what's right in front of you. And take what pleasure you can from it. Drink it in. If we are really doing this, won't all that self-involvement slip away? I am trying to 'practice' this all of the time. And for days at at time, I will reap the rewards. The remainder of the time is spent critiquing my work. Wondering if people are 'getting' me. Asking if I am a good enough mother, friend...And then all of a sudden, I have a week of bliss, where I live in the moment all the time. It feels so wonderful. But before I know it, it slips away and the struggle to get back there, begins again. Urgh. Elusive is really a great way of descibing this relationship I am trying to have with the confident woman inside...Thanks for your perspective!

I think confidence is definitely something that one acquires more of, as one gets older. Some may have less when than others when they are young for a multitude of reasons, but hopefully with time, life experience, good friends, failing and learning from failure, we get stronger, and it all evens out. I'm glad I had less confidence when I was younger; it makes my success as an adult so much more fulfulling. It means learning not to sweat the small stuff, accepting criticism, and knowing when it is constructive or just downright cruel. A little lack of confidence as an adult is not a bad thing; it keeps us humble and aware, and hopefully makes us try harder. A LOTof lack of confidence as an adult could mean one has deeper, more serious issues.

When you learn about yourself in great details, knowing what you are good at, what you are weak at, what you can do and what you cannot do and willing to accept all these things and facts about yourself. That, you become confident about yourself. That is how confidence arises. Confidence is about being yourself. Faking confidence only deceives yourself. Even when it comes to knowing what you are weak at and what you cannot do, you are proud and confident to admit all these. If you act according to your own ability, you have confidence.

I believe that confidence comes with age. In my teens I was arrogant in an effort to hide my excruciating shyness. In my 20s I still lacked confidence but that didn't keep me from thinking I knew it all. In my 30s I tried hard to define myself through my relationships and career, but slowly it dawned on me ... I am who I am and trying to be anything else so that I might be liked by whoever I wanted to like me ... would only result in me not being me, and what's the point of that? I am sorry, this is probably a rather complicated way of expressing what I want to say! Anyway, it is now in my 40s that I feel at peace with who I am ... not perfect by any means and not always 100% happy either, but I know that I am a special person to my husband, my friends, my family and most of all, to myself. I guess you could say that, after four decades, I have become a confident person.

I can truly identify to your thoughts. However, the skill of confidence is an acquired one. It takes a long and hard, uphill climb to the summit of self-understanding and a dash of arrogance here and there, certainly helps. So repeat after me sisters: I am making the world a better place by being here!

don't let anything bully you, woman!

It's amazing how many people, women especially deal with self-conscious issues. I just started reading this amazing book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I highly recommend it to ALL women!

"The message of Captivating is this: Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman - they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating." - from Captivating.

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage other woman out there. I hope this has helped.

It's a very funny thing, but there is something profoundly affecting (relieving, really) about hearing a successful, competent, has-it-all-together person admit that they, too, have self-doubt.

Demystifying. Changing the idea that only certain sorts of people can have success and happiness.

My lack of self confidence as an artist and as a person held me back for many years. It is only in the past few years that I have actually tried to sell my paintings or exhibit. Every time I manage to paint something that I'm really pleased with I feel this twinge of fear, what if I can never do it again? What if it was pure luck? Maybe I have no real talent at all...

a wise nun where i work always tells me, "name it. as soon as you name it, you can know it, learn about it and deal with it." she never uses words like "conquer" or "solve"--subtle recognition that we are constant works in progress. i'm inspired by this displayed truth and humanity (in people i admire! especially)--it makes it okay for me when skimming the very bottom of the pond becomes a necessary experience. thanks so much for this--

Love your words today. A friend said last week that by watching her daughter interact with other kids she realizes how messed up our adult female interactions are. She said her daughter walks into a room and doesn't immediately think of who is playing with who, who is wearing what, or the fact that she is 18 months old wearing 2T. I am constantly shocked by how women treat each other, the pettiness, the judgments that stem from insecurities. I believe it is because we get burned. It starts young. We're teased, put down, made fun of, rejected. All of that causes us to feel self-conscious and then turn to judge others in order to make ourselves feel better. Those are my thoughts...

I'm currently surrounded by pretty mistakes. A year ago I might have thrown these images away because they show my ineptitude. But we have to have our weaknesses, don't we? gives everyone a chance to shine their unique light.

Funny. I was laid off a year ago and all year I've been struggling with all sorts of things. But this week, I've been noting I need to clean up my act and wondering how I lost so much confidence. And, then I find you are thinking similar thoughts. I hope we both pull throug--maybe you already have.

Amen Sister!

so true in its simple honesty. that we are faulty human beings who deserve nonetheless.

Your post reminds me of one of my favorite Cummings quotes:
Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel …
the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.
To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else— means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

This was really refreshing to read Keri - thanks for sharing your thoughts.

it is all a crazy balancing act of self, somewhere between humility and pride. learning to just be and be with ourselves i think takes a lifetime of trying. i thank you for this post. it gets the wheels turning, My girl bea, said to me the other day. "i still don't know what my talent is, i know i have many but what is MY talent. of course i told her ,here greatest talent is being bea, being herself, i try to remind myself of this too. hard in this crazy culture that trys to rob us of our birthright to feel okay about ourselves. i will end here i feel a rant coming on.
love to you
kim

I was just thinking of you today. It's been a couple weeks since I last read your blog and I was just thinking today about this very topic and how much I appreciated finding you and your blog. It is funny how some things we pursue seem to elude us...torturing us...and then one day it comes back and sometime it takes days before we even realize its there. Hmmm Thanks for the additional insight!

I wonder if there is a way to just get rid of the whole "confidence" part of our personalities once and for all. What I mean is that "confidence" tends to be based on feeling good about certain things and that feeling good coming across to others. It seems like confidence is always based on the "others" rather than reflecting happiness back into ourselves.

I don't think I'm making sense, but I'm trying to be content with things as they are rather than boost my confidence with just a few good things on a few good days.

Sorry for the ramble...

oh freakin yeah :) . . . at the moment I am thoroughly convinced that losing 20 pounds will make everything fabulous . . . and may we not discuss the two fat bars of candy I just stuffed in my maw . . .? :)

I always come back to your blog for more, and this post illuminates a good reason why. Your honesty is refreshing.

I remember one time I was telling a child I know how he must be the smartest kid at school, and he already had decided he was not the smartest. His rockstar confidence was waning, and that saddened me. It is always a sad moment when the innocence and confidence of childhood fades. There is a point for most of us when that childhood pride shifts into humility or embarassment.

We spend our adult lives wondering where that point is if one really exists. It's fascinating.