This morning I had planned to wax poetically here about so many things, wandering around a sun drenched city yesterday holding hands, buying bread, cheese and wine in quaint little shops, talking to the tea lady about traveling the world and studying the Japanese tea ceremony, eating the best veggie dogs (with sauerkraut) in a flower filled park and watching so many adorable dogs run around in circles. I had planned to write more about the idea of making big changes in my life, how I am shifting between doubt and excitement almost constantly. I had planned to attack my day and get to all of the things I have been putting off, writing dozens of people back, organzing my time, clean the studio. I had.
And then I got completely sucked into the fantastically frank blog of Ayelet Waldman, (after first reading the new blog by my favorite folk singer Summer Pierre, please go read it and you will know why I love her so).
A successful author in her own regard Ayelet is also the wife of author of Michael Chabon, and though the blog is discontinued I found myself obsessively reading her rants on motherhood, misscarriage, bi-polar disorder, the writing life, procrastination, blog addiction and being obsessed with her husband (stalking him). I was sucked into the writing initially because of this last one, something I can relate to finding myself in a similar position with the man I married. She asks at one point, "can you stalk the man you live with?" I now know the answer is yes, strange though it may seem to some. How does one explain an obsession with a person, especially one you are married to? Healthy? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I find myself constantly staring at him at times when he doesn't know I'm doing it, looking at his fingers and hands, marvelling at them, melting when I hear his laugh, missing him even when he is in another room. He is one that attracts this behaviour in many, not just myself (a fact that is challenging at times).
My favorite post of Ayelet's is this one on fears and phobias. Just a week ago I found myself writing a similar list in my journal. It is interesting to look at the things on it and be confronted rather blatantly by one's neuroses. Halfway through the list I wanted to stop thinking that this might only serve to make the fears bigger, instead of dealing with them. "o.k. so I know I have a fear of cancer, am I just accepting this fact by writing it down, making it more concrete, or does the act of writing help me to confront it in some way?" I think what I responded to so readily in Ayelet's writing was her blatant acceptance of her imperfections. In fact they are what makes her unique and interesting as a human being. I have for a long time known that the same things in my personality that make me rather obsessive, also in turn fuel my creativity. (tile counting, finding faces in man made items, ie. washroom stalls, etc. more on this at another time.) Ayelet confesses that her books get written during periods when she is 'manic' (she used a different word for it but i can't remember it offhand), able to pound out a first draft in a month. I can relate to this kind of obsessive behaviour, most of my own projects are done in this fashion. A flurry of page turning, frantic "get the ideas out NOW", sore finger making, studio trashing writing/sketching. Yes, that's me.
I haven't really told very many people this before. What tips the thin thread of obsessive scales into maddness? Am I anywhere close? I think all creative people (sorry to bring up this sterotype), have diversions into madness. I haven't actually met one who was worth their creative salt who didn't express at least a small, slightly insidious fear of insanity at some point in their life.
Shakespeare wrote,
"Madness in great ones must not unwatched go."
I've often wondered about this quote. Is he saying it is a good thing, that we should pay attention to the source of one's brilliance and channel that for use in our own creative endeavours? Or is he saying, "Watch out for that one, he's dangerously close to the edge, about fall off at any moment. What a nutbar!"
I kind of like the old addage, "if you can't fix it, feature it."
Posted by kerismith at May 11, 2005 10:35 AMI haved loved reading ayelet waldman's books...she reminds me of me and i would love to meet her one day and just gab. i have been reading her blogs for quite some time too, and its funny (peculiar) how my life parallels hers then vectors off then back again. i especially loved her abortion writeup. i had to go through a similar scenario and what she wrote was how i felt, but she words it so much better than i ever could.
Posted by: bombaygirl on May 16, 2005 04:30 PMThe relationship between madness and creativity is something that has always fascinated me and I often wonder if it is another chicken or the egg syndrome. As a child I remember being enthralled with the chaotic lives of famous artists and over the past 5 years as I have followed my chosen path of a creative life I have found myself developing mental instabilities and disorders. Part of me thinks unlocking my creativity and taking it it the next level has just allow these other parts of me to surface too but the other part of me wonders if I am only developing these disorders subconciously because I believe they compliment my creativity???
Posted by: Katherine on May 15, 2005 08:51 AMOMG, Katherine, thanks for posting the comment on "incomplete penetrance". It suddenly made so much about my life fall into place and become intelligible!
Keri, YES! to everything from seeing faces everywhere to wondering if I'm mad. I grew up with a bi-polar mother and healing from the negative effects of that experience has taken a long time and an ocean of blood, sweat, and tears. Now that that grieving process has wound up, I am beginning to be able to see the gifts that were also coming to me through the wild, unpredictable behavior. In my case, I think things would have been less traumatic if there had been other stable adults consistently present to counterbalance the wild swings, and to provide models of other ways of being. Children need consistency that way. Alas, we were mostly alone with her from birth through adulthood. Thankfully we've been able to become friends again and I'm learning to appreciate some of her great qualities.
Serendipitously (thanks to "the Library Fairy?"), I was struck by this comment by a young mother who has become an entrepeneur, just before I checked in on Wish Jar:
LEAP, AND THE NET WILL APPEAR.
thank you for the link to ayelet's blog. good reading (plus, love m. chabon). i was just going to come here to leave a note of thanks and am a bit blown away by the really thoughtful and well written comments you get. :) all you people leave great comments!
Posted by: emdot on May 12, 2005 11:01 AMI have to admit that I discovered Ayelet's blog some time ago and read it with a kind of annoyed fascination. I'm impressed with her honesty, but at the same time saddened by the way she talks about her children. I know she's had a lot of criticism, and I don't want to slide into that group so easily, but I find it hard to reconcile myself with that side of her. I end up wondering why she has four children when it seems like she really doesn't care about them. Obviously, there are more sides to her than what she expresses on her blog, and her kids are probably all fine, but it's exactly what she expresses that made me stop reading. So while I'm happy for her having such a good marriage, I don't really like what she writes. Sorry.
Posted by: Anja on May 12, 2005 06:09 AMI caught some of the Oprah show that Ayelet Waldman was on a few weeks ago and was so captivated by her that I spent much of the next day perusing her blog archives. Then I found the Literary Friendship interview that Garrison Keilor did with her and Michael Chabon and enjoyed every word of it. I so enjoy hearing about how people work and how couples {particularly creative couples}live their lives together--the stories of their lives. In one fell swoop she joined a very small group of women that I find inspiring and liberating as a mother. I'm contemplating subscribing to Salon just to read her columns.
Best,
Julie
Dearest Keri,
I agree. I even wrote a whole piece on madmen and visionaries. It was inspired by one of the most passionate people I know.
I have this quote, which I plan to paint on my kitchen wall when I get my own apartment.
"What garlic is to food, insanity is to art."
I think perhaps Picasso wrote it.
and there's always that great Nietzche quote:
"One must have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star."
Your writing always resonates me, but especially these last two entries. I'm at a crossroads myself, trying to figure which direction I want to take. Which one is the brave decision, and the cowardly one. I'm graduating from college, and I'm not sure which path to take. I decided early this year, in a moment of clarity (I had gotten sick) that I would pursue a certain path. And there have been nights, when it looms larger than life, and I tell myself: "who am I kidding?" And I do get scared, but I realized that I'm scared because this really, really matters. I think it's a myth that once you know what your path is, nothing can touch you. You get moments like those too. But I think a huge amount of it, is keeping your doubt at bay, and having faith. And having to do that every single day until it comes true.
I totally understand about your perceptions of yourself. Inside me, there is this person I want to become, but usually I see myself as a big bookworm. And I'd like to say, that I think you are one of the most worldly and adventurous people I 'know' (if reading your blog obsessively is 'knowing'). Perhaps admire is a better word. Your vision of the world, your optimism, your willingness to explore and live your dreams- it's special. I've met people who've been all over, and honestly some of them can still be close-minded after the fact.
Good luck with everything, your plans with Spain, and being comfortable with being 'insane'.
finding faces in man made items, ie. washroom stalls, etc.
I also have this happening to me ... faces in folded pieces of fabric, in tree bark, etc. ... I didn't know anyone else experienced this. I can't wait to read more about your 'faces'. I also tile count ... as well as close one eye to line things up, among other anal things. I'm rather relieved to think that it could all just be my 'creativity' emerging. As it turns out, I was diagnosed bipolar many years ago (although I seem to only suffer from occasional depressions now, which I treat with medication), as well as ADD. Interesting!
By the way, I spent the afternoon playing with "Living Out Loud"! I love it!
Posted by: Poppy on May 11, 2005 09:08 PMif you can't fix it, feature it--that might just have to become my motto--so much broken down over here.
not to be too much of a denial diva, but i really think that madness is getting a bad rap these days. without episodes of crazy creativity, i would get nothing written. my loved ones wish i would meter it out calmly in regular doses that make space for dishwashing and other mundane shores, but sometimes something overtakes me and i honestly forget we have dishes or that they would need washing.
sigh.
in myers-briggs theory they call this the "P" burst, a normal function of the personality that likes to leave possiblities open for creative solutions.
Posted by: Jen Lemen on May 11, 2005 08:35 PMI just took this course in evolutionary psychology - the theory of psych as based on darwinism - mostly scary logical linear heartless stuff about the machine behind Life - but so much practical info. And I pass along this tidbit to you: We all know about the correlation between madness and creativity, but what's really interesting is that there is something called "incomplete penetrance" meaning that the gene for "madness" (schizophrenia, bipolar) is dominant but not expressed, and this this leads to greater creativity which is a wonderful trait to have whatever type of art its expressing. People in creative fields are TWICE as likely to have first-degree relatives (kids, parents, siblings) that are either schiz or bi-polar. Of course, all this science stuff could be an enormous crock, but as a functional mad creative myself :) (tile and line counting, obsessively plunging into this thing and that, reeling from bursts of creativity and insight, yada, yada :) I guess the point I'm getting at is that we're not *really* mad . . . just genetically cutting-edge :) K
Posted by: katherine on May 11, 2005 03:06 PMYES! i always read your posts and i feel relieved and revealed. your eloquence in describing all the feelings of loving your life and appreciating the little moments talking to the tea lady, and then the obsession with your husband, to feeling mad. you capture it so! i am so drawn in and appreciative of your words.
Posted by: mati rose on May 11, 2005 02:06 PMOh great. Now I'll get nothing done today. And I was going to send out resumes. Really, thanks for the link to Ayelet. I've read about 5 posts and I'm hooked.
Good luck with your planning and dreaming. I just moved to San Francisco 3 months ago and it's been the hardest thing that I've done in years and years, maybe ever. I loved your last post - "Who would I be in a different place? Would I be able to create in the same way? What if I don't like the person I become?" - Thank you for articulating my fears. I am glad I'm here. I am discovering just how much of who you are is given by your physical place in the world. In alot of ways, I've been making San Francisco wrong for so many of the ways it is not like Boulder and I've been making myself wrong for not being the person I was in Boulder. But then just yesterday, I was walking through Chinatown on my lunch break and I felt things shift. I felt a falling into myself, a landing, an acceptance..."Oh this is my life now and it's ok. It's good." It's truly an adventure, a discovery of myself in so many ways.
I've been reading your blog for years but this is the first time I've commented. I wish you joy and courage and I thank you for sharing yourself so generously over the years.
Posted by: Katia on May 11, 2005 01:34 PMWow. This entry in your journal really speaks to me. Thank you. So often, I beat myself up for the inconsistency in my creative flow, worry if I am crazy, etc. It helps to know I am not the only one who experiences this. I need to accept myself more for who I already am, and I see that from reading your entry.
Posted by: KimS on May 11, 2005 11:42 AM