So many thoughts swirling around my brain this morning. How do I calm it enough to let them out?
A weekend of heavy talks, warm sunny days, running, long walks (to a place where a friend still lives, though not in his body form anymore), and a sharing of secrets with women.
Women bond by bearing their souls to each other, showing their wounds.
Mother's day is always a bit heavy for me, though I have not liked to admit this before. "no I'm fine, really. It's just another hallmark holiday." But there are flowers that go unbought, and sad feels. And my girlfriends feel bad about talking about their day with me. But it is good to talk about it.
And it feels good to be asked, "how are you doing?"
I was honest this time.
A sentence by the powerful Jen Gray has been sitting with me this morning. She wrote:
"I'm afraid of not living this life the way my soul desires to."
So many years of talking about being daring and courageous, wanting to jump into my dreams with both feet. But talking and doing are different things. When it comes to really going to a new place, I start feeling terrified by the reality of it all. Can I really do it?
Sometimes my perception of myself and the reality of myself are two different things. I so badly want to be this worldly, adventurous traveller, pursuing foreign lands, taking in the world with all of my senses like an Enid Blyton character. But the real me feels safer looking at it from the comfort of my house, afraid to venture out for fear of change.
For a long time I have said that I would like to experience living in a foreign culture, at least once in my life. Something that would shift my perception of things forever, as these things are apt to do. It is so easy to view the world from one standpoint, we become rather one sided over time. How often I have spoken about wanting to push myself out of this. And then you reach an age where you question, will I ever do it? If not now when? Life is so very comfortable with what I know. Who would I be in a different place? Would I be able to create in the same way? What if I don't like the person I become?
I will never know unless I try.
I am thinking about moving to Spain for a year. More than thinking really, planning.
I have nothing to lose, but I am scared. The thing is, I will jump off the cliff fear in hand. I have done it before in different ways and survived.
A powerful woman said to me yesterday, "You will emerge finding that well of strength that comes from inside. That is with you always, and sometimes it is hard to find at first but it IS there."
I believe her. Now I must prove it to myself.
I have written many times in my journal, "Trust yourself, you are much stronger than you think."
"When I grow up, I too will go to faraway places, and when I grow old, I too will live beside the sea."
"That is all very well, little Alice," said her grandfather, "but there is a third thing you must do."
"What is that?" asked Alice.
"You must do something to make the world more beautiful," said her grandfather.
"All right," said Alice. But she did not know what that could be.
from Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney, 1982
Posted by kerismith at May 09, 2005 10:20 AMHi. I've read your blog for years now, and this morning I had the surprise of your quote about going (coming!) to Spain: don't fear! don't fear! Why that? in two weeks you will consider yourself at home here, this is a very friendly country, friendly people. It's easy NOT to be alone, to get contact with natives. unless you arrives just in time to catch the heat in summer, THAT you should being afraid of. It scares me too!.
Contact me here, in Madrid, if despite all this you get lonely or in trouble (or just because you want). My personal site is http://www.infine-ars.net There, through the leaves of the tree, you can gaze at my things (animations mostly).
That happy excitement, is what I feel just of thinking about your great adventure.
Courage now!
Mluz Flores
Wow, you would think you were writing my thoughts. I so needed to read this today. I haven't posted on your blog even though I have read it for awhile now... to intimidated. You being an author, accomplished in your profession. But it is nice to know you feel like this, question yourself. Lately I have felt that "panic" over wanting to do something, move forward on a project but feeling totally scared to. If I try it then I may fail... so better to just sit back and dream it, watch others eventually do it. I tend to take the "safe" path and I really wish I could just step out of my comfort zone this one time, instead, taking the "not so certain" path! Thanks for the words today. I needed them.
Shelley
Posted by: Shelley Rankin on May 16, 2005 08:58 AMSpain is waiting for you....arms wide open!!
never be scared...make your dreams come true! I am telling you something: Once you come to Spain and fell in love in our beautiful country....you will wish to stay longer! ;-D
Good luck and......congrats!( I really like your blog).
Estepona.
you've certianly done something to make my world more beautiful already
just reading the things you have to say have really turned things around for me in the past month or so, i just wanted to thank you, and to remind you that you are already doing amazing things, not just dreaming of them
Posted by: Pam on May 12, 2005 12:51 AMIt is hard. So hard. Two years ago I took off for Japan, not knowing a soul there. Now, I find myself about to travel southeast Asia for 4 months. Fear keeps me from sleeping at night, but I continue to do it because I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Someone once told me people go abroad for two reasons - they're running away, or looking for something. I did run away. But now I'm looking for something. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Posted by: Junicus on May 11, 2005 04:13 AMHi, i juz started reading your blog and saw this entry of yours. If this is your dream and your heart really wanna do it. I think you really should! Here's a book to intro to ya. "the alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. You might have read it, I'm not sure but it might help you come to a decision.
Posted by: Leila on May 11, 2005 01:04 AMWell i too say go for it! Really...what do you have to lose? Spain is such a passionate and amazing country! That's where my people come from! How brave of you to go there and to thrust yourself into a new unknown territory! It's good to scare yourself once in a while!
love, Violette
Posted by: violette on May 10, 2005 07:56 PMKeri this is such an amazing and open post and like many others who have commented on it you've really struck a chord. I've been speaking about moving away again either back to Greece (where I lived previously for a while) or somewhere else...possibly the States. Now I'm out of a job, and have very little to keep me in the UK. I'm actually seriously looking at making the move. I think that living in another country can only help you grow as a person especially when you're feeling downtrodden where you are, stuck in the monotony of life.
I hope that whatever you choose you are pleased with your choice and do what's in your heart...if it's telling you something there's a need for it!
Posted by: Claire on May 10, 2005 07:39 PMReading this made me SO EXCITED for you Keri - for the adventure that awaits. Awesome.
Posted by: Ali on May 10, 2005 06:43 PMbuena suerte
i ♥ spain!
you can always take easyJet to london or amsterdam if you feel homesick and don't want to fly home. i rented a car and drove around spain for three weeks. it's a beautiful country
two pieces of advice... watch your wallet & take a plane if you go to ibiza or mallorca
Posted by: you know who on May 10, 2005 03:04 PMI am currently fighting with myself to find my self confidence while looking for a job. I just posted a blog about wanting to channel the fearlessness of some of the people I know and I read your post! What an amazing coincidence!
Posted by: orangemoxie on May 10, 2005 12:19 PMKeri - thanks for being so honest. You expressed exactly what I wasn't sure sometimes I needed to express. I too fear change these days and wonder if I've grown into a comfort zone that I can't seem to get out of: my daily routines - blah blah blah.
It seems like you've already decided to take the leap to Spain. Once your physical self has jumped, eventually your spirit will go along with it and adapt and change and grow. It will be fun, but I understand your fear.
Posted by: Jen on May 10, 2005 10:45 AMI've found in the past that living in another country frees you up from set ways of behaviour. You're out of your familiar surroundings so you can just resort to doing things the way you always have.
Good luck! x
Beautifully put, Keri. I think this is something we all struggle with from time to time.
Posted by: Carrie on May 10, 2005 09:30 AMLiving in my fifth country now, it gets easier every time. I never really gave it a lot of thought, never even had time for that, just jumped. Some places are better than others, even within cities, you need luck too. I would not be able to adjust to a life of *not* being a foreigner anymore, it's addictive.
Posted by: eliane on May 10, 2005 07:56 AMHi Keri,
I am hoping this will help you...
Me and my husband are about to immigrate from Holland to Sweden; as we wished to do so for a long long time.
For us it first was the "how?", later the "why?", then the "what if?" en now the "when exactly?". As you see, we actually had the oppurtunity to let it grow on us (about 7 years). Wich makes it a far less scary thing to do. I think when you are playing with such a thought; you first have to be sure that it really is something that is in you heart and soul. Instead of being something that sounds thrilling and exiting more for your appearence to the outside world then your "insides". When I knew that, it made me ready to accept all the difficulties that lie ahead (for I am very sure there will be many!). I can do nothing else. I must. I am leaving my loved ones behind knowing that I will become more one, more whole, more at the place I belong to. Or if not (that's also a possibility still: dreams can colour your sences to very nice pinks) at least a richer person.
Saskia
a earlier comment says, the place you come from never leaves you.
I must say that is not my experiance. I have moved to a foreign country, and I have lived here for 5 years. I does not feel like my home, but nore does my country of origin. I have no life there, most of my old friends are gone ( i've never been good at keeping contact).
I think if you are gone to long, sometimes you can be wastefull with friendship. OR maybe if they where real friendships they might have lasted the distance, some of the one I had have.
I think if you are only gone for a year or two, it will change you in all positiv ways. But after 3 years you have to decide wheter to move back or be gone forever.
I will keep on moving, keep on looking for the country where I feel at home.
Posted by: maria on May 10, 2005 03:55 AMwasn't doesn't kill you, will only make you grow stronger.
i believe.
{r}
Posted by: Rita on May 9, 2005 10:51 PMi have been reading your journal for a little while (too shy to ever comment, though) and i just *had* to comment on this entry. it stuck me a chord in me. everything you write about is so true.
and i feel the same way. there are so many things i want to do, and i'm not doing them b/c i am afraid. afraid of change.
listen to your heart. more often than not, your gut isn't wrong.
:)
Listen to yourself and go for it!
I had a young friend unexpected pass away this weekend. It was a shock and awful reminder of how life can be too short to do everything we wish to do.
Run, don't walk, to Spain!
Posted by: Tammy on May 9, 2005 07:57 PMyes, that line on Jen Gray's site has been echoing in my head all day too...I was just there again before I stopped here to reread it...makes my soul ache thinking about it..I love the way you can talk about it here...all I can do is stumble all over myself, trying to find an opening to "see" through...
Posted by: fern on May 9, 2005 07:20 PMSpain is not so scary, keri. You are okay.
Posted by: maria on May 9, 2005 06:46 PMSerendipity strikes again!
Miss Rumphius is one of my absolute favorites! And yesterday, our retiring UU minister "read" it to the kids during the service~ she said that now it's her turn to go and live in a cottage by the sea and think of what she can do to make the world more beautiful. Funny, coming from someone who has already had such a positive impact~ :)
Anyhow, hooray for these serendipitous moments!
Posted by: Anna on May 9, 2005 06:45 PMAfter 10 years abroad I'm back home. Looking back I don't understand why I was so afraid to leave. The FEAR is the only thing between you now and the you in the future. The more you face the fear the more you learn to trust you.
Good luck!
somehow you seem to always say what i need to hear. I don't understand it. but I think it's wonderful.
You are an amazing and brave woman. I admire you. :)
I wish that I could believe what you say but my Mothers' Day resulted in the poem on MY blog and the ache won't go away.
Posted by: Robyn on May 9, 2005 04:39 PMYour post reminded of something my paternal grandmother once told me:
"You were born with everything you will ever need to survive already inside you. When you feel like you can't go on or can't accomplish a goal, just look inside yourself and the answer will be there."
Thank you for reminding me. She has never been wrong.
Posted by: schmutzie on May 9, 2005 03:14 PMawesome thoughts...
your words always resonate with me.
just this weekend I traveled to the beach...
sitting on the sand watching/listening to the water, sun beating down & feeling peace instantly wash over me. i was thinking... this is the life i want to live... i'd love to be in walking distance of the ocean, a place that comforts me every time i visit... but, today... back to reality...
how do i get there? and live my dreams out? fear has trapped me inside its four letters.... i'm trying my hardest to be released from it's grip... reminding myself to push through my excuses that i create for myself...
i always relate to your feelings/thoughts effortlessly which is like a cup of comfort in the middle of my day...
lots of randoms thoughts hear, but, nonetheless,
good luck with your planning of Spain! you will conquer many of your fears and feel so accomplished when your year is up! and who knows what it could lead to....
keri,
this post has really hit home. a month and a half ago i picked up my life and moved from sunny phoenix az to the very small and full of snow erie pa. i have never lived anywhere other than az so when i moved i was afraid of it. i spent a ton of money taking every single thing i owned in az wiht me to pa. i had this idea that if everything was wiht me it would still feel like home. i'm so glad i moved, it's been a life changing experience for me. if i was doing it over though, i would have sold or given away everything. home isn't my furniture, my boxes of memories, my dishes etc. it's the way i feel wiht my wife, my cats and my dogs. i know this now.
you can always come back. i belive the place you come from never leaves you, no matter how long you are gone from it.
i also believe when we are most afraid and we can work through it we learn the most and we are helped in becoming the people we are really supposed to be.
i send you peace and the ability to jump even if you can't see exactly where your feet might land.
jenn
Great quote. I say go for it - you will be so glad you did. I am living abroad now, although one Scandinavian country is hardly that different from another, but I lived in Britain for two years when I was a teenager and it's such a good memory. If you do go, the country you live in will be part of you forever. And remember that you can always go back! :)