thank you for sharing about your neuroses, keri...
it made me recall my own ~ my own was that my nightly prayers would have to contain all my worries in order to make sure none of them would happen. consequently my prayers were a long long long list of standard worries ~ one of the more obscure was "please don't let the cattle rustlers come" ~ my parents owned a cattle property and i was always so fearful of the cows being stolen.

time to unpack the baggage me thinks,
and dry clean the old worries.

love and laughter,
Leonie

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but that of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV ) Fear begins where FAITH (Future Assurance In To Heaven)
ends. God loves you and wants you to trust Him for all things, large or small. Nothing is impossible with God.

You have reminded me of a thought that occurred a couple of days ago. I, too, have apprehension/fear/panic when I leave the house, because I am afraid that I will have nothing to come back to. I always carry my important writing with everywhere I go because of this worry. Two days ago, I was walking to a coffee shop to work on a piece I'm writing, and it occurred to me that I was my home. I have grown enough as a person to be able to anchor myself somewhat. Thanks for reminding me. Realizations are too easily forgotten.

Wow. After reading your brave description of fears, I was breathless. Then tears. I am so grateful that you are so very daring in talking about yourself and sharing yourself with us. Such a gift of unselfishness is a blessing to us all. Thank-you.

I've been reading your blog since a dear friend gave me "Living Out Loud" for Christmas. I don't share that particular phobia, but that was an amazing piece of self-discovery. Thank you for sending us postcards from your journey.

this is so weird... I have had that same constant fear my whole life, and have recently - and just TODAY in therapy - been trying to understand how to feel safe and secure when in fact, of course, nothing is secure and unchanging.
I wish there was a space to discuss this and come up with real answers. And even when we know the origin of the fear - like if mine is because my father left when i was a child... how does that help to overcome it?

it's nice to know I am not alone. Thank you. Namaste.

I too have the same thoughts about my home, about life and about death. I guess I need to dig deep to find my reasoning in having these thoughts...you found yours and in that you can heal.

thank you so much for sharing...it's such a good feeling to not feel alone.

I was just talking with a friend a couple of days ago about how we both have this thing where whenever we are away we have recurring worry around our apartments are burning down, and how when we finally get back home we search the sky for smoke as we drive up, and when we finally see that everything is still there, it is with enormous relief . . . more pieces of ther collective unconscious? . . .

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

thank you for your honesty!! -so many (creative) people (including myself) have struggles with fear-this little lie EXPOSED helps me in panic moments!

Bless you for sharing this.

Thank you for this post and for your book. You have helped me immensely.

i think it's so amazing that you shared this with us Keri, thank you. I have been finding this out myself recently, to let it out allows (even forces) you to deal with it rather than ignoring that tight feeling inside.

Thanks so much for sharing. I too have the fear that my home will be a burnt crisp when i return to it after being away for a few days. As far back as i can remember, this was always a worry of mine, though i have no idea how it started. There can be so many little fears and anxieties that surround us sometimes, and to become acquainted with them is sometimes the scariest. But once we do, and get over our fear, we look back at it and think "what a funny little thing to be afraid of" Good example of this, i used to get anxious making phone calls until i was forced to make many of them at work, forcing me to get over that fear. And really, isn't fear of making phone calls a little funny? Now it's just a matter of getting over the fear of driving, and then i'll be all ok.

I remember being convinced--absolutely convinced--that whenever my mother left the house, she would not be coming back. Maybe that's because on a few occasions, she didn't. Not for days, and without telling anyone where she was going.

Those were the type of interesting revenge games that went on in my house when I was a child.

So I too know the need for control. I've found that none of us really have it though, and never really can. What we have are minutes that turn into hours that turn into days, and so on, and hopefully we find a way to be healthy and sane and make the best of it for ourselves and those we love.

Wonderful post. I think Alexandra is right - sometimes these things are a lifetime project. We are, despite our ability to intellectualize, still animals. Imprint a scary thing on an animal at an early age and it instinctively reacts fearfully in a similar situation. For example, my housemate's dog has a very safe environment now but continues to freak out during storms because she was abandoned on the streets when young. Or a dog rescued from a pound may cower around men with beards or a deep voice because of early abuse. Our physical-emotional selves likewise react in ways our minds say are irrational. But we do have the advantage of being able to analyze where such things come from and work on desensitizing ourselves to scary or difficult things imprinted on us when we were young. And to not call it silly but to have compassion for where these reactions came from, and for the part of us that seeks still to protect ourselves.

Have you read any Pema Chodron? I can't remember if I've seen any quotes from her teachings on your site. I've found her incredibly helpful in dealing with my own fears and feeling of groundlessness. She happens to be this month's interview in "The Sun" and her book "When Things Fall Apart" has been life-changing for me. I felt really pushed to my edge lately and found the practice of tonglen very helpful. Just an idea.

Thanks for another great post! Take care.

I think that this was very wonderful - thank you for sharing it. I know with myself realizing that "the bad thing" had already happened was at once incredibly freeing and very saddening. But it gave me a starting point from which to move forward - and once I got past the reckless phase ("I will never be afraid of anything again") it gave me a little edge of wisdom to get by with.

Thank you.

Keri - thank you for sharing this story. For opening up one of your fears and bearing it through your words. The image of the suitcase with socks and such sticking out is one that will stick with me for a long time. Letting go and lightening up are powerful, powerful movements in our lives. Blessings to you :) and your suitcase.

Reading this post made me well up with tears and memories. Home for me growing up was a place of such contrasts- love and something bordering on hate, huge fear in some moments and then wide trust at others depending on the moment, comfort and then its stark opposite.
I try to make my home now something that I simply cherish, like walking right into a deep, deep breath. I also think a lot -too much - about all my favorite things inside being suddenly taken away in an earthquake or a fire or something else. When my fears start racing, its then that I remember the home I carry within me too- this one is a lifetime work-in-progress. It will ever end, but it can't be destroyed by any earthquake or anything else.
We all have that home inside us that we can really nourish and hold and hug and embrace and love and be patient with.
Your struggle to face your fears is beautiful.