I am up before the light this morning, the coals still red in the woodstove making it easy to start the fire again. It is so very dark and quiet, only the sounds of the odd car driving by and the cracking of burning wood. Now the kettle. I am making a pot of Nepal Illam tea, which I got yesterday at an amazing new tea shop in Collingwood (Zencha tea bar).
My dearest Andrea recently wrote about the Mondo Beyondo list, a list of dreams and wishes (some so big you are afraid to write them down). As you may know I am a huge fan of lists. For some reason I have been afraid of them lately (or one of this kind), and I am a firm believer of that which you fear you should jump into feet first.
And where does the fear come from currently? I sit quietly for a moment and listen. In the last ten years of my life I have had many of my big dreams come to life, getting a book published, buying a house, travelling, making a living at drawing. And I am grateful for all of these. I wonder if I am a bit unsure of where I want to go next, afraid of going to the next level? What do I really want deep down? Many of the things I am looking for now exist more on an emotional level, and so I will write these too. I have learned that many times when you ask for what you want you cannot control how it comes to you and sometimes these things show up in a different way than you expected. (this is not a bad thing, just something to keep in mind.) Given my last two weeks I am very aware that our greatest gifts evolve out of our greatest struggles and sometimes they can be hard to swallow.
It occurs to me now that a lot of the fears might be due to the huge amount of change that I have experienced in the last year. I am still trying to find my footings, feel the ground again. Change is good, but it shakes your world up for a while.
I want...
to travel to france, spain and italy with my husband (with a side trip to Morrocco)
to write more for children (and not shy away from my writing abilities)
to find a literary agent who I work well with, who I enjoy, who believes in my work and works hard at getting me a good deal, (allowing me to move up to another level in my career)
to get a good publishing deal for my next book
to illustrate and design products that I believe in
to give my money, time, and love to a cause I believe in (to get MORE involved in a cause I believe in)
to work more on my money fears and to minimize debt
to develop deeper friendships, reach out more, give more to my friends (I am afraid of this because in the past I have held back quite a bit, maintaining distance)
to experience deep honesty with myself and others (to speak my truth)
to put energy into my relationship with my husband (and to express myself more, love more, give more, feel more, allow myself to receive)
to have a child
to dance and sing more than I already do
to visit a third world country
to nuture myself more
to breathe regularly (to read Thich Nhat Hahn as a reminder)
to draw as much as possible
to not push myself too hard (to be patient)
to laugh much
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*I feel like I am still scratching the surface here. What is in your heart that you are not expressing?
**I found the cards above in an old junk shop, a teaching aid of some sort.
Posted by kerismith at December 22, 2004 07:44 AMoh how this post hit home.... for the past three months ive been living my biggest juciest dreams, volunteering at an orphanage in nepal and living right in the heart of old kathmandu. id been having a bad week...tired of the road blockades, and corrupted goverment,sick of seeing children sleeping in the street, and the conditions that my little bundles of sweetness live in at the orphanage, cranky from the lack of hot water, or a heater. but at the end of a long day, after struggling for a decent internet connection, your post made my day. so often i get caught up in the daily uncomfort...the little bits of this experience that aren't perfect or easy, but as your post reminded me...im living my mondo beyondo. (ive had a smile on my face ever since). how amazingly fortunate i am.
thank you for inspiration, from halfway across the world.
gina
Oh, but since you would be in the Med, do yourself a favour and take a trip to one of the Greek islands!
Esther
Posted by: naturallynice on December 27, 2004 09:55 AMjust wanted to say congratulations for your work and for the way you are!!!
and if you come to spain, you have to visit salamanca, i would be your guide!!!
oh me you dear people who pour everything out on your blogs for strangers like me to visit and learn from, I hope you know how astonished and thankful I am for the depth of your sharing.
Posted by: Cin on December 24, 2004 10:42 PMHow very brave of you Keri. I hope all your wishes come true. I made a list of "wants" when I was at art college. I actually filed each one on a library index card, and placed them in a box made to fit. I felt this act of cataloguing them would put more pressure on myself to make these ideals come true. A few years ago I found them again, and while going through the pain of infertility, found that one of the wishes had been, and was still at that time, to have a baby. It made me so sad that something I wanted so desperately, had not come true, but, I'm now 34, and I just finished wrapping a mound of Christmas gifts for my two year old toddler and miracle child.
Posted by: Lala on December 24, 2004 10:42 PMKeri, those pictures that you found were part of a very common reading/spelling program used in the early elementary grades in the 1950's. I remember them well from my schooling in Pennsylvania in the late 50's.
Posted by: Valerie on December 24, 2004 06:18 PMThanks so much, Keri, for providing us with this space for making these wishes into something bigger, something possible, something that the universe can help us with.
This writing down of the most secret BIG WISHES is the best thing! It really works. I always wanted a home by the sea, with seals in my back yard. I wrote it down a few years back and here I am in Prospect, Nova Scotia with seals in my back yard.
I wanted a Bergamasco puppy to hike with over the barens and headlands here, I wrote it down and voila!
So here is my current Mondo Beyondo: Not sure exactly how to phrase this but I'd really like to begin to create more links between alternative artists and art therapists, to create a nice e-zine for art therapists that would include a lot of inspiring ideas and links for their art rooms from their alternative artist sisters and brothers, to publish some kind of crossover book between art therapy and alternative arts. Hmmm. The last one is the biggy.
Thanks Keri,
Yours,
Lani
give morrocco more than a side trip! daytrippers usually only see Tangiers, and that is not a great representation. Try Fez: you'd love the souk, so much to draw!
(go!)
Posted by: maggie on December 23, 2004 07:48 PMi can't belive i'm going to say this here but your post really hit something in me. you are so right about change shaking you up. near the end of October my husband all of a sudden said to me "i'm just not sure marriage is for me. i want more independence, I want to get up in the morning and just go without having to tell someone where i'll be"....OUCH! we've been married 4 years (together for 7), this was so sudden, no warning signs or anything. the strange thing is i have always given him his independence, if he was going out with his friends then he'd go, i didn't care. my belief is that yes, we are married, but we are individuals too.
We have an amazing relationship, people always tell us that. i have never met anyone i've had such a strong connection with. I've been living back with my parents for just over a month now to give him that space, to let me figure out if it IS what he wants. We're not going to be together for Christmas.
I have felt some changes in me, good changes. I'm becomming stronger than I thought I could be. I have made lists in my journal of things I want to see change about me and I know it's going to be hard (because I'm so used to being the passive self that I am) but I am working on them daily. I've made lists of things I want to work on and change in our marriage (if *fingers crossed* things work out), like BETTER COMMUNICATION!
So thank you for this post Keri, it helped me in my steps to feel stronger, do more for myself. I'm going to start my Mondo Beyondo list ASAP!
Posted by: amanda on December 23, 2004 10:47 AMHi keri,
I have been reading your blog for a while now and have loved every bit of it.
One of the things on your list inspired me to write you...having a child.
I want to express to you how amazing it is to be a mom.
When I look at my daughter I see the world in a whole new light,I see it through her eyes and magically its brand new.
She has taught me so many new things.I could never thank her enough!
Four years ago today, this amazing little baby girl came into my life. Some how she has the ability to make me fall more and more in love with her everyday.
The love you will have for your child is the most pure and innocent love in the world.
It is the best feeling to know that someone counts on you for everything and counts on you to shape what kind of person they will become.
I think that when you have a child you will be a wonderful mom.You own within yourself all the qualities that it takes to bring up a beautiful person.
I know you can achieve all you wish for!
Thank you for all of your inspiring thoughts!
Erin
Posted by: erin on December 22, 2004 06:15 PMKeri, I found you on the web just this week and it's frankly bizarre how much you seem to be writing about what I'm doing and feeling. You're my synchronicity sister. I have to make my list today. It was required doing for an appointment I have tomorrow---keep the magic going.
Posted by: TC on December 22, 2004 01:18 PMkeri,
your post really spoke to me. i actually found your site through the ever so amazing andrea. i too read the mondo bayondo entry and it immediately got my mind going. i feel stuck. each time i sit to try and write fear comes and nothing gets put onto paper. i think what my mondo bayondo list is really all about is more emotional with a few other things thrown in. after reading your post i realized what the fear was all about. if i write it down, it makes it more real. i can't ignore it then. it's out there and my answers or my wishes can come to me at any moment. i have now decided that isn't so bad. like you, when i am faced with fear i want to jump in with all that i am. so here goes... here is what is in my heart that i am not expressing.
i want to travel to england with my partner
i want to have a child
i want to be okay with my mothers illness, forgive her for our past, and release her to be or do whatever she is meant to be or do
i want to take a trip to sf and ask andrea to go to glide with me
i want to forgive my brother so i am open to getting to know the person he really is
i want to create a space for my partner to feel more loved, supported, safe and free than she has ever felt
i want to not be afraid of money, to let go of my fears and to trust that i am always going to have what i need
i want to learn to quilt, knit and play the cello
i want to become friends with my dad
i want to become a better friend, returning calls and making the first call instead of always waitig
i want to lose weight
i want to journal more
i want to reconnect with my spirit
i want to learn to not be so hard on myself
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Posted by: jenn on December 22, 2004 01:17 PMHi Keri,
I have to tell you that I just recently discoverd your site, and it's been such a "mental vacation" for me. I'm a graphic designer who's day job is pretty darn monotonous, and I often find myself escaping to your site throughout my workday.
I just wanted to thank your for sharing and for being such an inspiration. I can feel my creativity rising to the surface, and my soul taking a long, deep breath.
Many blessings to you.
~ Kim
Posted by: Kim on December 22, 2004 01:17 PM