The view outside the window of my studio shows a dark grey sky contrasted by firey yellow leaves. The color of the leaves is almost blinding, you cannot look at it for too long. The forcast calls for heavy rains all weekend, and I breathe a little deeper hoping that it will replenish the well, (which has taken to coughing up bits of dirt now and then. This is as disconcerting as it sounds, pipes shaking and rumbling, sending air up from the depths, like someone with a terrible chest cold.)
I hear Jeff Buckley singing from downstairs.
My sleep was broken and filled with tossing last night. Right side, back, left side, repeat. Mind swimming with worries about money, water, pipes, and overall resistance to change. There has been so much of it lately and it temporarily throws me off balance. I try to hide the fact i am human by not showing any weakness to others, but mostly to myself. I have to remind myself that it is o.k. to admit defeat once in awhile. I had a trying week, time to put on my jammies and treat myself to things that fill me up. Gosh there is so much learning in this life.
And still I am grateful for all of it.
I am going to stop pretending that I am invincible.
I am breaking down many walls that have built up over 34 years, walls that were put there to protect and guard and keep me safe. I am learning how to be married and finding sometimes that can be really scary. I am re-learning how to be open, how to feel vulnerable, how to trust, all of the things I have needed to do for a long time. I am learning that there are some very young places in myself that need healing. And as the walls are dismantled it feels sometimes as though I have lost my centre. I am changing. evolving. Who will I be when the dust has settled?
I log on today to Jann Arden's journal and find a powerful post on the topic of change, echoing my thoughts in so many ways. Her honesty always shakes me up, making me want to go deeper. She writes:
"It's hard to love yourself. You feel stupid doing it. You think to yourself that you're not worth the effort. I am getting better as I get older; better at loving bits and pieces of me."
I would add to that that I am getting better at identifying the parts of myself that need loving, something I was not able to do just a short time ago. I look at these parts with compassionate eyes. Eyes that are letting the tears out that have built up over many years. Leftovers from grieving that was never done. It feels good to be human. To feel all emotions with great intensity. I have been laughing so much more too. Laughing and crying.
The other day J and I were playing around doing that old drama exercise where you put your arms out and allow yourself to fall backwards, the other person catching you before you hit the ground. When it was my turn I was surprised to find myself freezing up. I kept putting my foot out, chickening out at the last minute. My eyes filled with tears. How afraid I am to relinquish control and just trust. It took many tries over several days for me to finally do it. Re-learning.
For those of you who know me, please do not worry that I express sadness here. I am not sad. Quite the opposite. I am human. Complicated and messy at times. But beautiful none the less.
The rain falls heavily.
********
There is always a bit of hesitation when posting the more "personal" topics.
Rachel is writing about this very subject on her blog today. I have quite a lot to say on the subject but currently refer back to this quote (which I have posted before) as it sums up the gist of my feelings on the matter.
"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it! It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open..." -Martha Graham
Posted by kerismith at October 15, 2004 12:38 PMkeri,
i just wanted to encourage you about healing those parts of you that have come to your awareness since you got married. i married mr. b 7 years ago and boy howdy, did the wounds appear. something about creating vulnerable openings with marriage leads directly to our innermost soft spots that need to heal. it is a beautiful process and can be disconcerting at times, i have found. i am sending you much love and healing today-for the little keri that needs a kiss on the rosy cheek too.
squeezes, pixie
Posted by: pixie on October 23, 2004 05:20 PMKeri,
I have not been to your site in awhile. I just wanted to say how wonderful your site it. So real, down to earth and honest. Your story helps others. It does. It's nice to be able to log onto blogs of women who are telling the truth. No fuff. It is very refreshing. Again, thank you.
My first year of marriage was so hard. I was amazed at how hard it was. There was so much re-learning to do. I had no idea that somewhere inside I had this conversation of not being deserving of this great love. This happy full life. I learned to much about myself.
Next week I will celebrate my second wedding anniversary. I can say looking back on the past two years they have been filled with so much change and growth. I can also say they have been the best two years of my life and for that I am so thankful.
Jenn
Posted by: jenn on October 21, 2004 02:32 PMhi keri - i'm glad to hear you're in a process of change. ^_^
i got married a year ago, and for me, it was one of many changes... during that time, i imagined myself as a stream of water, flowing over and and around rocks of all sizes, through fallen branches, tackling obstacles with grace, and always moving forward... fast or slow.
right now i need to imagine this as well. it's hard to do.
i don't know if you have heard (or have) this book, but a book that i found quite helpful, and insightful for me is "the conscious bride" by sheryl paul.
good luck, move with ease, and listen to more jeff buckley!
Posted by: crissy on October 18, 2004 06:28 PM...and what is good, phaedrus, and what is not good, need we ask anyone to tell us these things? -- robert pirsig in his 'zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance'.
your post reminded me of something that i had forgotten a long long time ago. and when i remembered this many other memories came flooding back to me.
one of them is a favourite koan i used to tell myself:
simply trust
do not the petals flutter down
just like that?
i always seem to learn something more about myself when i'm here. thank you :-)
Posted by: radhika on October 18, 2004 04:42 AMYou are always exacty what I need to hear.
Your timing is uncannily serendipitous.
Thank-you.
I, too, am going through a stretch of turmoil and change. I like to think of myself as someone who is highly adaptable, but I keep disproving this over and over. Thank you for sharing what you're feeling. I read you regularly, because you try to view the world with a fresh eye, and I need to be reminded to do that. Thank you.
Posted by: schmutzie on October 16, 2004 12:47 PMPlumbing troubles allied to money troubles are very debilitating. I had a terrible afternoon on Friday regarding money. Despite telling myself about the huge amounts of abundance I have in my life. It amazes me how much this kind stuff drags me down.
Posted by: m on October 16, 2004 12:10 PMHi Keri,
I'm sure our experiences of this differ, but I offer this in case it helps:
A friend of mine helped me leap a long way forward on the desired road by pointing out (in my case) that self-loathing or lacking self-love is *narcisistic*. How, you ask? Because I was setting and guarding higher standards for myself than anyone else in my life. Those little pockets of neuroses and inconsistencies in others draw me to my friends and teach me how to love them, but within myself I do the opposite: I allow myself to cross-examine, criticize, and mentally force my self into shapes I cannot hold. My friend said, What makes you so special that you are unworthy but the rest of us are? It's a very funny and good question. Now I begrudgingly must admit that my inner wrinkles and prickles are simply road markers and souvenirs of experiences gone by. If those I love are worthy, I am worthy. I learned early on that the adults in my life were measuring my worth by my output/art/writing that they could show off. There was no one there reassuring me that my self worth was a given by the very fact that I exist. I am slowly learning this now. It's like the hands and the person falling back are One.
Thank you for being so honest, though, Keri. I don't know you but I recognize myself in many of the things you write - and I truly believe that to be an artist, you must be vulnerable, open, and very very honest. This scares me, but I'm also working towards it. You rock.
Posted by: jo on October 16, 2004 05:29 AMLovely writing. I wish you all the best. I hope the rain brings replenishment.
Posted by: Lea on October 15, 2004 10:38 PMgosh -- I really loved this post! I can relate so easily and gently. I always thought of myself as a free thinker, a free lover, a free spirit, a challenging thinker and artist and partner. What I didn't realize is that in my instability in life I still had a sense of control. In a new relationship, like what you are experiencing being married, where my partner has an ex-wife and a child I've been exposed to the most awful and fragile and child-like/young/marred parts of myself that I now know need healing. I feel OUT OF CONTROL and losing trust and wavering and wanting to unburden myself from this because it feels helpless. But it's me. I'm swimming in it, nurturing my own fears too. It's good to let go. To grow. To re-harness the life force, the vitality, and create it into ACTION again. You'll find your centre again. we all do. Lovely writing Keri. Your posts are so thoughtful and insightful and TRUE.
Posted by: daphne on October 15, 2004 04:21 PMI like all that you have written here. I think mostly because it feels so close to home for me.
Self-love is probably the most important thing because without loving yourself, it is so hard to let anyone else love you or even really loving anyone else. When my shrink told me about how I need to work on loving myself, I thought that's stupid, one should not try to love oneself, it should be effortless and natural. But when we try so hard critisizing ourselves, internalizing all that the society imposes on us, I guess self-love needs working on too. Then my next question was, how does one work on loving herself? What do you do? One thing my shrink suggested is trying to look at myself with different eyes, maybe like you suggest, try to see those parts of myself that I don't like differently...I still haven't figured out how. I would love it if you share in more detail your thoughts on how can one achieve self-love...Maybe it's because I am a very analytical person and I need well-defined guidelines but I still would love to hear what you think...And one more thing
"I would add to that that I am getting better at identifying the parts of myself that need loving, something I was not able to do just a short time ago."
Do you really need to identify these parts that need loving? I would think it would be obvious what it is that I don't love, the hard part is how do you love it?
i also feel vulnerable when my walls are torn down. i try to just relax and rest easy in the vulnerability, but it is tough. thanks for sharing this - it helps to know i'm not the only one that gets freaked out by having to let go and trust.
Posted by: jo-jo on October 15, 2004 03:25 PM