wish jar : the story

July 10, 2004

the story

how much does one share, and how much does one keep for themselves? the whole of it would make the most beautiful of novels. sometimes real life is more magical than fiction.

do you believe?

one must believe if they are to listen to the story. it requires surrendering to the possiblities. sometimes the universe takes you on a new path, one that you least expect...

It begins a girl who has lost her mother. With her mother being the centre of her world she temporarily loses her bearings. A hole opens up in her that cannot be filled. Before her mother dies, while she is still able, she gives a beautiful gift. The words, "You have to power to create anything you want." And the girl believes in these words more than anything.

So she sets out to create her own life, the one that she always wanted. Most importantly she needs to find something that will fill the hole. A sense of belonging, a home to replace the one she has left. She imagines the most beautiful life. Over time all of the things she has imagined come true. A home, a village, books, a loving relationship, family & friends, pets. And she is doing the thing she loves to do most in the world, drawing. She even accomplishes all of the goals she has for herself, write a book, dance, sing, paint. She has the perfect life. She is happy. People from all over the world write her and ask how they can have that life too.

Over time she starts to question things a little.

At times she feels slightly confused about where she is going. If she has everything in her dreams what is next? Some of the things she used to want have lost their meaning, (fame, money, a following). She knows you can not always know where a path is headed. So she decides to focus on the things around her that are beautiful, nature, people, books about foreign places, films, art, and not question things so much. And in those things she finds comfort.

One day brings a new correspondance and friendship with a girl, a dialogue about life, creativity, and adversity, it continues for many months (years?). Then this post about a man who is courageous and questioning. She is intrigued by him and goes to his site to read more. She realizes that she has been there already. Twice, coming from different places. She reads his words and felt at home. He is daring and beautiful and for some reason she feels scared of him (as if she sees in him pieces of herself that she doesn't want to look at). She writes him apologizing for a strange comment she has made. When he writes her back the first three words in the letter are her name over and over. When she reads them she feels like she can hear his voice in her head. Something in her heart moves.

Over time they write giving little bits of themselves in the form of words. They tell stories about squirrels and grandfathers. They share fears about sleeping in the woods and death. He sends her some leaves he has collected one day and some more words. Because she is in a relationship with someone she cares deeply about she tells him that she can give him nothing in return. She doesn't know him after all, purely illusion. How can you feel for someone you've never met? People start asking her if she is o.k., she seems 'distracted'. So she pushes it away, tries to push him away, and it does pass.

For a while.

But it comes back. And with it a pain in her heart, her whole body begins to ache. Because if she is to contemplate him it will threaten to destroy everything that she has created for herself. One life can not exist with out the cessation of the other. And that thought is terrifying.

she goes into a state of turmoil. a week of nights with no sleep.

he writes to her:

"as your world undulates and twists, and you toss and turn in your bed, remember that this is life, and the floating paper will all settle in the end. you're feelings for me will either go away or they won't. your world will stay the same or it will change. you will listen to your heart, and somehow you will know what is right, where your path is to go. catch your breath, and it will all settle in the end."

she takes a deep breath.

She has read many books that tell her romantic love does not exist, it is an illusion, fleeting. So she convinces herself of that. It is like a drug that loses it's potency over time. After a while, unable to sustain itself it fades leaving in it's place something common, tired, but beautiful in other ways. Only romantic love that is unrequited lives on. That is what all the great works of literature are written about. But in her heart she questions. Is there such a thing as a soul mate, what does that mean? How would you know? What is love?

These questions in turn cause her to question the relationship she is already in. She starts to see that the relationship is holding both people back from living a fully awakened life, there is only a partial commitment. The outcome is a decision to end it. Her whole being feels it is what must occur. It is one of the hardest things she has ever done in her life. The path of change. She goes into mourning...

and then begins to open herself up to new life. scary and new. she wishes that her life actually was a novel and that she could skip to the last page to see how it all turns out.

but deep down she believes that the universe brings us everything that we need to grow and is always leading us to our greatest potential. she feels in every inch of her body that the universe is teaching her to love in ways that she had been incapable of doing in the past. she is afraid of commitment because she does not want to lose herself. her brain begins a battle with her heart.

the correspondence with him continues. the letters could fill volumes, they are beautiful beyond measure. she reads his favourite novel and they discuss "true love" and decide that there is nothing else in life. one day a phone call is made and the voice on the other end is the most comforting thing she has ever heard, they speak for hours like old friends. days, years, lifetimes. tears. relief. the love grows and grows. he tells her that true love is not about losing yourself but instead about finding pieces of yourself that were lost. a blossoming.

they are told by their friend that 'it is like you share the same soul, the likenesses are uncanny.' so they decide to meet in person. they choose a spot in a beautiful woods, and they nervously walk towards each other, embracing for hours. shaking uncontrollably. it feels like they have known each other for thousands of years. it is relief to be together again after all this time. stronger than anything they have ever felt before. like home.

because they live so far apart they feel pain at the separation. like skin tearing, ripping. time slows to a devastating pace until they can see each other again. voices disconnected from bodies move over wires. late into the night.

and so he begins a journey. on a bicycle, riding across the largest of countries, and it feels like he is riding to her. so that they can begin a life together. a pilgrimage of sorts. but there are a lot of deserts, and road, and mountains in the way. he climbs, and climbs, pedals turning, pushing through many obstacles. and in the midst of it he boards a plane and flies to Canada. When he arrives he asks a question. Days later he returns to finish his journey, but there is a new strength for both of them. she takes a deep breath. there are still old fears hovering. but the love grows and grows.

how does one know if they are traveling in the right direction? trust that your heart will lead where you need to go. when your heart speaks, you will feel a deep knowing at the root of it. love, joy, pain, sadness, fear, they are all a part of it. they will be with you throughout it all. that is your truth. there is nothing else.

in this love I find myself.

the journey continues...

'and you arrive and you are lightening' -neruda

p.s. maybe if you go back and read you will see that it is all there, and there. the dance of the seven veils... and then the last veil falls to the ground.

Posted by kerismith at July 10, 2004 12:46 PM

Comments

if you haven't already, you might enjoy reading kim stanley robinson's the years of rice and salt. the only version of an afterlife that i can stomach is reincarnation. and that is because i have experienced that meeting of someone for the first time and there is such a familiarity it gives me goosebumps.

best of luck in your relationship, you have been very brave. many people are too scared to take the leap you have taken and they regret it their whole lives.

misty

Posted by: misty on July 23, 2004 09:36 AM

Keri. Seriously. This read almost EXACTLY the same as what I just went through... right down to reading his favorite novel. (it starts different, I didn't lose my mom) And that quote at the end... holy crap. I have often described seeing him for the first time as being struck by lightning... or being hit in the chest.

Wow. I feel like reading you reflecting what I've just gone thru is a message for me. That I am in the place I am supposed to be. I too had to release a relationship for this one and it was the scariest time I've ever had.

Thank you for sharing, Keri. It was not too much. You have done something incredible for me today.

Megan
(I really hope you read this!)

Posted by: megan on July 22, 2004 02:20 PM

Oh, Keri...I just read through this, including all the links, and it made me swoon. So romantic.

In fact, it made me relive memories of my own engagement. I noticed Martha's post & am inclined to disagree. Billy & I were only dating two months when we were engaged...We had been friends from college (not very close, though) 3 years earlier and met again in Brooklyn. I was coming out of a relationship when Billy & I had our first date. I wasn't quite ready for it...but then again, I think sometimes the best things catch us off guard.

Anyhow....he proposed on the Brooklyn Bridge, then we went to Paris for the summer for him to finish his grad degree...and we were married a year later. We just celebrated our third wedding anniversary in June.

What came before that didn't really affect us. Enjoy this time! And thank you for sharing, as always. XOXO

Posted by: Annie I on July 22, 2004 01:59 PM

Oh wow - I only got here for the first time today and now I'm crying (good tears though). love is an amazing thing and it doesn't care about distance or countries or languages or anything like that. thank you so much for the story. danke!

Posted by: kim on July 20, 2004 08:43 AM

I've read your story 3 times. The words "beautiful", and "inspiring" don't do your experience justice. That story is like a drug, with the high being warm fuzzies. I'll definitely be back for more.

Posted by: Junicus on July 19, 2004 11:33 PM

Congratulations Keri.

I saw myself in parts of your story and truly thank you for that. I am reminded that all will be well and I can create what I want!

Posted by: carrie on July 19, 2004 06:44 PM

congratulations!
it's such a lovely story!
my boyfriend and i have just got engaged and i share your feelings of overwhelming happiness...this is the most special moment, enjoy it...
xxx

Posted by: jemma*** on July 17, 2004 05:29 AM

congratulations!

thanks for the hope. :)

Posted by: jamzy on July 16, 2004 11:00 AM

Hi Keri

belated congratulations - and thanks for a wonderful site/sight.

Posted by: m on July 15, 2004 12:43 PM

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Posted by: viagra on July 15, 2004 08:58 AM

Wow. This was very moving. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us.

Posted by: Toni on July 15, 2004 03:30 AM

Congratulations for making Love realize itself! :D

Cheers to you and Jeff! :) and all those you love! :D

Posted by: rudie on July 14, 2004 11:29 PM

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you keri.

--Ryan (stepping briefly out of lurker mode).

Posted by: Ryan on July 14, 2004 08:12 PM

Congratulations Kerri! When Andrea first mentioned Jeff in her journal, I went to check out the link too. I can see why you fell in love wiht him. He's dreamy. I wish you both a life of happiness and laughter!

Sue

Posted by: Sue on July 14, 2004 01:33 PM

What a beautiful story! Congratulations!! The picture of you at his site is something special!!

Posted by: Jen on July 14, 2004 12:21 PM

beauty-full.

Posted by: Dianne on July 14, 2004 11:04 AM

Wow. (said in wide-eyed amazement and wonder, goosebumps tingling at the back of my neck, and head nodding affirmatively to the rhythm of the big cosmic YES)

Wow. (said breathlessly, the o stuck in my throat momentarily)

Wow. (said simply)

Thank you for sharing the story.

Posted by: Kim on July 14, 2004 09:26 AM

I have spent the past few weeks wondering if I believe in romantic love, in true love - if it really does exist or if people just convince themselves it does so as not to be alone. I have turned this over and over in my mind, never coming to a conclusion.

Your story makes me believe that it does exist, that it is real and wonderful. That there can be life and hope in relationships, not just a hindrance, a trap, like I have experienced.

Thank you so much for sharing this, and congratulations to you and Jeff.

Posted by: kat on July 13, 2004 06:09 PM

hi kerri! i've been reading your journal and visiting your site for a long long time now but this is my first time actually brave enough to post a comment. i want to tell you first off, congratulations! for taking a big risk, for following your heart, for being who you are and refusing to be any other way. you are one of my inspirations and i've always admired your spirit, your creativity, and talent.

and as a side note, jeff sounds amazing. wow, what an exciting life he's led. i hope the best for you two. btw, how and where did he end up living in a cave with gypsies????

Posted by: ghislaine on July 13, 2004 01:32 PM

My faith in love and romance has been renewed; I can't express how wonderful it was to read all of that. I'm so happy for you, Keri Smith.

Posted by: Lindsay on July 13, 2004 12:59 PM

Congratulations on the excellent news. When two souls alike meet, the world begins again...

Posted by: Anna C. on July 13, 2004 08:31 AM

i loved reading that story.* congratulations again, keri. i am so happy for you (and jeff).

* i wonder if christine ever told you how she and i met? i think every love story echoes each other. some a little more than others.

Posted by: rama on July 13, 2004 04:18 AM

I'm thrilled that you decided to share your story with us, Keri. Thank you thank you thank you. It's beautiful. My favorite part - the package of leaves in the mail.

Like you, my husband and I also had a short courtship (and we also met online). But when you know, you KNOW. It's different from your other relationships; there's no need to think about it. It just is.

Posted by: Steph on July 13, 2004 12:32 AM

congratulations, meeting the "one" is divine !

Posted by: Michelle on July 12, 2004 08:59 PM

Best story ever. Thanks for sharing. I wanted to chime in with Viola and say when it's right it doesn't matter when it happens. My husband and I got married after dating for 4 months and we've been together for 16 years now. A friend of mine knew her husband for only 3 days when they decided to marry and they've been together for 15 years. Sometimes you just know.

Wishing you both a lifetime of love and happiness!

Posted by: Donna B. on July 12, 2004 07:47 PM

Thank you for sharing this story! I first heard it from Andrea a while back and I thought it was one of the most beautiful stories I had ever heard. Hearing it from you was even better. When something is right it really doesn't matter *when* it happens.

Love to both of you.

Posted by: Viola on July 12, 2004 05:52 PM

Keri, thank you so much for sharing your story. I found both you and Andrea through Another Girl at Play, and Jeff through Andrea. I love seeking out glimpses of other beautiful creative lives. Thank you for your inspiring words. You really make this world a brighter place. I am sure that you and Jeff will be blissful, kind, thrilled, challenged, strong, and (one day) old together.

Posted by: Annie on July 12, 2004 05:04 PM

thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. your story gives me hope that i too will one day find the same kind of love.

Posted by: chlamygirl on July 12, 2004 04:08 PM

dear keri,
i am vicariously swooning! what beauty, joy & overcoming of fear to behold! i came to your site through many many directions & feel finally i must speak. thank you for sharing your story. i am an illustrator who is just starting out and feel most inspired by your work and authentic voice. my dad died when i was little and i feel that as a result of finally grieving and healing around his death i am so much more fearful, but at the same time fearless. i feel able to dig deeper and come up with the nuggets of truth. and then love more profoundly. isn't it funny that with greater loss comes greater love?
thank you & be well,
mati rose

Posted by: mati on July 12, 2004 02:53 PM

Beautiful, inspriring, AMAZING Keri Smith, congratulations from the bottom of my heart on your blessing of love and gift of engagement. I don't know you but I feel I do (in many ways), and I wish to tell you this is amazing. One year to the exact date that I met my incredible husband Sean (http://www.thevisualagency.net), we were husband and wife. Marriage is a never-ending experience of ups and downs and surprises and sadness, but it is so "worth it" in every way. And what you lose in your independence, you gain in your partner - someone to lean on, into, within. Don't listen to the naysayers about your short engagement/affair, for they are negative non-believers. True Love knows no time. Godspeed with love and happiness to you and Jeff!

Posted by: Kate Dana Detwiler on July 12, 2004 02:31 PM

I so appreciate you telling your story - we all need to hear and listen. love to you both...

Posted by: stef on July 12, 2004 02:01 PM

What a beautiful story. May you continue to be blessed and enjoy the happiness of life.

Posted by: Stephanie on July 12, 2004 01:46 PM

I have never been married, just to clarify that.

i would like to reiterate what i said in this post

Posted by: Keri Smith on July 12, 2004 01:04 PM

this is sweet and lovely and inspiring.

it is clear you both are madly in love...and it is very beautiful.

thank you for sharing.

Posted by: malaika on July 12, 2004 12:57 PM

don't listen to naysayers and joy crushers who live in total fear,they are only trying to "protect" you but do not realize how overly insulated they are in their own fears and anxieties, poor dears! just enjoy your life! live your dreams! i am happy for you, congratulations and good wishes! peace and all good!love, chrissy

Posted by: chrissy on July 12, 2004 12:53 PM

Why on earth would you be engaged to a man less than 8 months after
your breakup with your husband?. My sister did the same thing and it caught up
to her...real bad. Don't get me wrong girl, I'm all for love and romance, I guess I'm just a little more of a realist. The romantic period of relationships end and then there is real life( I don't care what you say...it's true, trust me). Right now you've got this all packaged up with a pretty pink bow on top. I myself would be seeking out a long time of being alone and understanding myself. I think you've got issues, I think leaving the arms of one man for another so soon says a lot.......a whole lot. I'm just being as honest as I can here. I am a salt of the earth lady and I've been around the block more than I care to admit.

I'm just saying you should be careful. I think real mourning takes a long time.
How can you truly understand yourself when you give yourself away so soon?

Are you afraid to be alone? really alone.

This isn't meant to offend dear. I just think you may be in for more than you imagine.

fun site!
Martha

Posted by: martha on July 12, 2004 12:49 PM

Thanks for so honestly sharing your story. You must be on cloud nine! Enjoy! I'm so happy for you! You are a very talented woman!

Posted by: Lori on July 12, 2004 12:22 PM

keri,

what a beautiful story. congrats on the engagement. i too found jeff's site through andrea and I have found it to be fun to read, thought provoking, and mostly full of a truth shared that most do not share. i wish the two of you all the happiness in the world. i am so happy for the both of you.

jenn

Posted by: jenn on July 12, 2004 12:02 PM

Keri, Congratulations! What an incredible story and thank you for sharing! Reading about your experience with love reminds me of what my own hopes and dreams are... and listening to the courage you used to follow your dreams inspires me to also be courageous. Best of luck to you and Jeff!

Posted by: Sara on July 12, 2004 11:24 AM

How very beautiful.

Posted by: Brianna on July 12, 2004 11:13 AM

Thank you for courageously sharing your truth. It is very inspiring to me. Many blessings to you both.

Posted by: Kymberlee on July 12, 2004 11:02 AM

What an amazing story of hope, love, and living. Thank you for sharing!

Posted by: Kelly on July 12, 2004 09:34 AM

Thank you for your compassionate, honest sharing. My heart aches as I recognize in your story the pain of moving forward--the necessity of going towards the thing you feel, like moving through fire to reach the cooling waters that will heal your soul. And then a great beauty at the moment of connection.
Have you read "Little, Big" by John Crowley? At the beginning, Smokey Barnable goes to Daily Alice, but must not use a car... has to walk to find her. And when she sees him from far away, she stands at the window... but you'll have to read the book to find out more. It's the very beginning of a very long, but very beautiful book. And I hope your book is as long, and as beautiful.

Posted by: Desmene on July 12, 2004 08:55 AM

what a beautiful love you have found... and congratulations on finding it within yourself to open up to it.

Posted by: reflection on July 12, 2004 05:29 AM

I used to skip pages in book to get the happyend. But sometimes I missed the important "bits". Life is the same like a book, you can´t skip anything that makes you feel sad, afraid, angry .. even if you try to do so it comes back in different way ... thanks Keri for your posts, they are very inspiring ... and of course, congratulations to both of you :)

Posted by: Eva on July 12, 2004 05:00 AM

{sigh} {grin} {warm tingly feelings around about the shoulders}

you now have permission to ... SAVOR!

^_^

Posted by: crissy on July 11, 2004 11:44 PM

so nicely said. beautiful. What a good place to be.

Posted by: Donna on July 11, 2004 08:26 PM

there are no words to express the hope and happiness i have for you. your life spreads joy and bravery. congratulations.

Posted by: ajd on July 11, 2004 04:22 PM

oh my....I'm sitting here crying...the heart is a tender place...~Fern

Posted by: fern on July 11, 2004 04:10 PM

...couldn't happen to two nicer souls....

Posted by: Velvet Brick on July 11, 2004 02:01 PM

So! Happy! For! You!

Posted by: penelope on July 11, 2004 01:04 PM

That was so beautiful, I had to catch my breath. Your words shout hope. Bless you for that.

Posted by: Chelly on July 11, 2004 11:47 AM

dear keri, i have been exploring & enjoying your site for 2 years. thank you. you are a woman, artist, spirit for whom i have great respect & appreciation. i am deeply moved by your "the story." i am reminded & inspired to remember to believe in what i know to be true. for me, one of the things that i believe in is loving relationship. i am delighted with your story of how this is alive in your life! i find that the beauty of my own belief in what i know to be true (whether it's justice or love or beauty) is that i can access my belief (ultimately) at all times. yes, even in the face of what seems to be the absence of the thing i believe in (loving partnership/relationship, for example). yes, even in the face of heartbreak and heartache (which sometimes doesn't seem to make any sense at all). there is something mysterious & utterly magnificent at work in us and around us. all i am called to do is trust. thank you for being the believer & the truth teller that you are. my wish for you is: that all of what you know to be true comes alive in the world & that you continue to share it with others. with abundant joy, meghan

Posted by: meghan on July 11, 2004 12:40 AM

Would you believe that while I read this, my radio suddenly plays Neil Sedaka's Breaking Up Is Hard to Do? You have written it beautifully.

Posted by: eliane on July 10, 2004 11:16 PM

people will look for you in what you write and find themselves.

Posted by: kvr on July 10, 2004 09:07 PM

Beautiful Keri, absolutely Beautiful….

I hope to see you soon.

-Mike

Posted by: Mike Schwartz on July 10, 2004 08:09 PM

Keri - true love does exist. It makes you dizzy, it makes you feel safe at the same time. Romantic love is the only kind that should exist!

May you forever dance like a dirvish!

Best.

Posted by: cooper on July 10, 2004 05:55 PM

Wow. Thanks for telling your story. I think I really needed to hear that story right now. Best wishes.

Laura

Posted by: Laura on July 10, 2004 05:34 PM