Someone has been listening to this american life (the one with chris ware talking about his child hood to be exact).

Everyone feels this way throughout there lives. It's a phase we all go trough I am even going trough one.

Once you realize that you are anything you want to be and that the only way you can fill the hole in the clay is to put some more clay in there you'll be fine. The hard part is finding more clay.

But that's all life is. Finding more clay.

A favorite poem-just to share it.

The Best Lover Ever

The best lover ever was a czechoslavakian, macrobiotic cardiac surgeon who carried viburnam flowers in from the garden to lay them on my belly before pressing them flat and fragrent with his own.

Reaching above the bed for the stethoscope that hung there, he laid the cool, flat membrane against my neck, below the ridge of my clavicle, along the margins of my breast, listening to all the chambers, portals, and vessels of my heart. (ah, the pleasure of lying naked before a man who undresses you further still.) the good doctor, at the end of his exploration, pronounced with a certainty that resonates still: "you haf a gud heart."

Now, the wise among you already know the end of this story. the czechoslavakian, macrobiotic cardiac surgeon, the best lover ever, followed his books back to the homeland to listen to other hearts, bear a few children, have a dog named bonnie. perhaps you know I married a man far less kind, who took that same heart and pried it open with the crowbar of his own great disappointment

Can you tell me, does it matter to the heart who opens it? does it matter to the heart whether it is cleaved with force or tenderness? and is the light any less pleased, any less persistent as it streams through the fissures, finally illuminating the interior?

lillian ralph jackman
june1999

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
e.e. cummings

Here's a feng shui tip for getting centered: bring a square, yellow pillow into your creative space. Put it in the center of your room. Even better, find a few moments to sit on this pillow and focus your thoughts on you. Breathe, sigh-- it's tough being a creative because it means you must be fragile.

I'm feeling it along with you today. Here's to a warm and peaceful sureness that we are all loved and somehow protected no matter what.
By the way I bought your book too, and find it very inspiring. I'm just about to bring it to one of my friends who's recovering from surgery in hospital. She's an artist and I expect it will inspire her while she's healing. x

You have such a way with words. It's almost poetic. Your feelings are a story within themselves.

I admire you so much for being brave enough to share how you are feeling. Thank you for that.

Seems to me that perhaps you have already found the courage you're searching for.

I don't remember who said it, but: "only a heart that is broken can hold the whole world." Yeah and dang skippy. And I swear by all things holey :) that behind the pain is more joy behind which resides astonished realization followed by incidental bliss, radical delusional blame, spontaneous awakening, abject emotional contractions, and well-wishes received through energetic osmosis and sent from people you have never met or maybe perhaps just briefly . . . amen, sister, to you as you send out your visions to the rest of us whose sense of sight is not as breathtaking as yours . . . :)

Dear Keri ~

Anne Lamott tells a story of getting her tonsils removed and being in such pain that she could not even swallow. The nurse told her to chew some gum, which Anne thought absolutely INSANE, but at the prompting of her friend, she took the advice. The first few moments were of searing pain (during which I'm sure several curses were uttered), but then - healing and relief. Anne writes that our muscles clench together to protect the places that have been wounded, and by using them again, we regain our strength and a fuller healing in those wounded places. There are places in our hearts and even bodies and spirits where we are wounded, and we clench ourselves up not wanting to be hurt again. From personal experience, I recommend opening yourself up to Jesus simply because He's a safe place, gentle, and able to hold us close when we are weak. Put another way, we do risk our wounding being around other people, but then we'd miss out on a lot too. (stepping off my soapbox now) Read the above entries again, Keri. You are obviously loved by many, and even if you weren't, you'd still be lovable and wonderfully you apart from anyone else's opinions. Shine on, bright star!

I can see your light beam clearly.

it doesn't solve everything, but I find eating some really good chocolate, and eating it slowly......can make me feel so much more optimistic about my self and my life.

it usually works best when you haven't had chocolate for a few days.

the same thing happens with massages. I get massages at the student clinic in my building and during the massage, I always have the most amazing clarity about myself...always so positive. Must be something about being touched

Keri,
I do know where you are coming from and have been there many times myself. One thing that keeps me going is the knowing that the criticism that comes from others is usually because they don't love themselves and need to feel better than you. It is sad.....even people we consider our friends do that to us at times. However at your very core you know that you ARE wonderful and that you brighten the world just by your very presence!
You probably have already checked out the site for the little one inside...i'm sure you will love it!
VIOLETTE

Oh and Keri hop over to Robyn Posin's site as her monthly musing is about taking care of yourself www.forthelittleonesinside.com

Keri

You have put so much of what I've been feeling into words. Expending energy on others....

Its so important to step back from this and attend to ourselves or I can feel the holes being worn into the fabric of my being.

K-

You are the sun behind the clouds.

The water at the bottom of the dark well.

The gold in the dark.

You don't need the costume, you are a superhero.

I adore you.

Love yourself, love what is, love, love, love.

Bury your hope, keep your faith, and dream.

I believe in you.

On this day, at this moment - you have read my mind.

Oh the beauty and power of words - and of blogs!

Keri! I had to tell you that I bought your book just last week and it arrived from Amazon on Monday. I hope you don't mind that I am posting here, but I have to tell you, I am enjoying the absolute paper out of this book! I am working through each of the suggestions- starting with the super hero paper doll! Wholey moley, I am having a blast!!! If you care to check out how much fun you have inspired me to have:
http://www.thepaintingbrush.com/blog/.

I see that you are having a rough day, and I hope your day gets brighter by the second. Thank you for the inspiration!

Sincerely,
~Carrie
Artist & Dreamer

Be true to yourself...In the end, it's all that matters.

Fight the good fight. Be brave. I know you already embrace all that is good in the world.

There was a prayer, by Norman Allen. I've read it somewhere and took as my own personal motto:

"Lord, I don't ask for a faith that would move yonder mountain. I can take enough dynamite and move it if it needs movin'. I pray, Lord, for enough faith to move me".

So ask for enough faith to move you from your centre. For all I know, it's worth the try.

Good luck :)