I knew I shouldn't have done it. I tell other people not to do it. I was aware of what I was doing the whole time and yet I was like an obsessed junkie seeking out the thing that causes me pain. ...I started out yesterday by looking at other people's work and feeling badly about my own.
It doesn't happen all the time, but when your own inner critic takes over it can become so paralyzing. I would like to pretend that it doesn't happen with me anymore, (I've gone beyond that stage), but it does. The result is that I am left feeling like I have to do more, I have to make my work better, if only I was doing "that". I get so completely overwhelmed that I am unable to start anything. I end up starting several things, getting easily frustrated, and then feeling like crap about everything. So I ended up spending the rest of the day walking around in a kind of stupor, and feeling like maybe I should try another profession cause this one might not be working for me. Ever get like that? Yeah I know you do because I get email almost every day from people sharing their stories with me.
Some of this stuff is coming up because I have a rather large show coming up that I am still working on. I still have several pieces to do and I'm at that point where you have to push through to get to the good stuff. I feel more comfortable just avoiding it altogether at the moment.
So it's time to follow my own advice, what was it that I wrote again? Oh yeah, go for a walk. Take the pressure off to perform. You are not a showgirl or a trapeze artist. You are just a human being and your only goal is to exist and create some things along the way. Enjoy the process. Do the things that give you the most joy (yes, it's a cliche but it works for me). Take your journal down to the pond and doodle. Go for coffee. Hang out at the library. Make a pot of soup. Take some time to fill yourself up again. You need some quality time for yourself. Whatever it is you do, do it alone. Take some deep breaths.
I'm taking the afternoon off. I feel better already just thinking about it. So many possiblities.
I get the feeling that I'm not good enough all the time when I look at other artist's work. It's hard to combat that. I try to remind myself that they go through it too. That I am one of them, doing my own thing. And that it will pass. I think feeling not good enough is one of the worst feelings you can have because it totally takes over.
Posted by: penelope on September 22, 2003 12:16 PMIf I may, it's a point that's always recurring...How things should be...How they shouldn't...Worse than people telling it to us, we tell it to ourselves, and yet, even when we know better, and we do, it still gets to us when things aren't the way we think we should be...But we're human. Not an excuse, but the truth. We are continual in our cycles...Bound to repeat, bound to learn, again, and hopefully, in a new way...
This may not make any sense at all...but you're allowed. Once and again, and again...And each time, you will be renewed.
What you share says so*:)
Posted by: pt*:) on September 22, 2003 05:24 AMi get like that a lot! especially now that my sister and i are trying to get our little business off the ground. i always look at other people and wonder "how are they doing it? why is nothing happening for us? their stuff is better than mine."
the worst is when i think i've had an original idea and then see that idea in some store, mass produced and selling for cheaper because it's much cheaper quality.
geez, i'm off on a rant of my own here eh? ha ha. i have been feeling this inner critic of mine nibbling away at me for some time. i have a feeling that come autumn my creativity will send the little guy into hibernation!
Posted by: amanda on September 19, 2003 01:20 PMI am feeling the same way!!! What is going on kids?
Posted by: claire on September 19, 2003 01:44 AMthank you for showing us that it's ok to be human and not always have to be perfect everytime. you know the drill :) breathe!
Posted by: stef on September 19, 2003 01:18 AMYep I'm another one. Complete and utter burnout on Tuesday night.
Posted by: A Human on September 18, 2003 08:39 PMYet another who can relate to the sometimes-relentless inner critic. I don't know why I was surprised when I first read this entry...we are ALL akin to one another, no matter what stage of our careers we are at. I think sometimes we forget that. as you said, we are all human beings. We love and fear and create and prosper.
So I, too, took some time off today to bake some delicious Coconut Pecan Banana Bread!
Thanks for your honest vulnerability!
Posted by: Mary on September 18, 2003 07:10 PMThanks for posting this Keri and supporting my decision to go and sit outside on my patio with myjournal, cup of coffee and cat curled up on top of plants in a plant pot! Even though I had to take a tea towel off my line to mop up the damp on the bench before I could sit down just feeling the sun on my face was worth it. Now tell me to go and learn damned Dreamweaver so I can do this website I'm supposed to be doing!
Urrrh!
Posted by: mary on September 18, 2003 10:37 AMI am feeling the same way too ! I have a show coming up in October and the feeling so overwhelmed that it is paralyzing. Glad to know that I am not alone. Being an artist can be such a solitary pursuit, that is is nice to know that we all go through times like these.
Thanks for sharing. Keep creating. Your work is wondeful. When I look at your work, I try not to judge my own in comparison :)
Posted by: Leigh on September 18, 2003 08:23 AMwhy does it feel so much better to hear that another soul is struggling with the same predicament? this point of having to push through is my precise situation. i feel better knowing that i am not alone though...i'm now inspired to go back to the studio and work towards finishing at least one piece for my show. that's today. thank you.
i am so glad that you and your work are out there.
~d
Is it something in the cosmos? I, too, have been feeling like just chucking it all-- the "maybe I'm just not meant to be doing this" creative crisis. Pretty drastic. However, I'm moved to rise up and take the afternoon off, myself, dang it all! Relax into the healing powers of slowing down.
Thanks for sharing, Keri, as always. Keep the faith!