December 20th, 2004
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angels abound


It appears that I have many angels in my midst these days. I will not let them pass by unacknowledged or unoticed. There have been a multitude of emails, comments, gifts in the mail (thank you Michael Nobbs, the Beany is wonderful), (and thank you to the anonymous person who sent me a copy of “Change the World for a Fiver” from the U.K., it is better than I thought it would be and came at the perfect time). I am moved beyond belief by these gestures, and by all your writings.
This week I have had a particular May Sarton quote running through my head (which I have posted before to some controversy). Sometimes a quote will sit out in the world and we pass it and ponder it for a moment. Othertimes a quote will seep into your body and change the way your see the world. I have collected a few of these in my lifetime, and they pop into my psyche when i least expect it (and when I most need them).
So many things happening in my world right now. Large messy human things. I lost a dear friend a few days ago and last night I thought about him looking down at all of the people in his life, revelling in the humaness of it all. Large doses of pain, love, grieving, devastation, illness, fear. And for a moment I thought, “how beautiful it must be.” To see that all of us experience love and suffering in equal measures. How easy it is to slip into the belief that we are the only ones who experience deep pain.
That is the beauty in this for me. That I can look into a friend’s (or a stranger’s) eyes and know that those dark places exist. In those dark moments we all want to find a way to make the pain stop. But that is the thing we cannot escape if we are to be human, suffering goes hand in hand with the experience of living. And sometimes it is messy and without light.
I want to take the hand of a friend and say “I know your pain, I have it too.”
The part of the quote that runs through my head right now is, “keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember nothing stays the same for long, not even pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.” -May Sarton fr. Journal of Solitude
And during these moments of intense pain my heart is opened up wider than it has ever been. I am awake. There are moments of great clarity amidst the sadness. For this I am grateful.
And so it is time for a list a good things (as was mentioned in a recent comment):
1. I am alive, awake, and intensely human.
2. My world is a winter wonderland, the perfect picture of Christmas. I went snowshoeing yesterday through the woods, (I like to pretend I am an inuit forging my way across the tundra.)
3. A trip to the mail is one of my favourite things.
4. I received my samples of the Playscene I illustrated, and I spent a lot of time playing and dressing the girls and decorating their room. Yes, it’s fun!
5. My love of creating is with me always.
6. I am really enjoying good food and wine (a blessing after having no appetite for a while). I made this gingered carrot soup yesterday. Last night we had nibbles of spinach and artichoke dip, manchego cheese from Spain, and my favourite salsa and chips. And I treated myself to a slightly pricey pinot noir, which I am saving.
7. Appartently I have been nominated for another blog award. thank-you.
8. The act of building a fire every morning makes me fulfilled in a very primal way.
9. my snow pants are amazing.
10. Sunday is officially “computer free day” in my house. (I have been without t.v. for over a year now and do not miss it at all.)
11. Mobiles are a good thing.
12. I got a beautiful drawing from Chinga, of children playing soccer. (my foster child in Zambia)
13. red and white x-mas lights.
14. a great interview and studio tour with Seth, in comic art magazine. He has created small reconstructions of old buildings out of cardboard and paint (you can see them in the link), just seeing them made me so very excited.
15. The canker sore that had made a home in my mouth for the last two weeks (making eating, talking, and moving my mouth difficult) is on the way out. Hooray!
16. I have experienced great love in my life thus far.
***********
Goodnight Mr. Wayne, I will think of you often and picture you out on a quiet lake somewhere drifting on your little punt and sipping good wine.

 
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