April 5th, 2005
exposed


The talented, inspiring (and honest) Christine Miller sent me this quote yesterday,
“Only when we expose ourselves over and over again to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
I promptly printed it out and glued it into my journal. The last few months I have been going through some difficult things in my personal life. The details of which I have not written about here except in a rather veiled manner. But going these things has had the effect of throwing my world into a kind of tailspin, everything that I thought I knew has been questioned. Maybe you have noticed the changes. Big things, questioning of the journey, taking new directions, WHAT THE HELL AM I REALLY DOING WITH MY WORK/LIFE? What do I have to say?
I started out on a certain path a while ago and everything worked well for a long time, but over time I started to see that I had created a perfect facade over all of it. I designed the perfect life but was now trying to fit everything into it, making it be what I wanted even when maybe it wasn’t. Never really getting to any real depth, scratching the surface of things but afraid to go any deeper for fear of people not liking me. I wrote about having ugly parts, but never really showed them for what they were, (painting them in bright colors so they didn’t look as dark.) But after going through a large amount of pain I am starting to see a new person emerge, someone different. Without the facade. I wrote to Christine because she has been going through a massive change as well with life and art, and witnessing it was so beautiful. I felt not so alone. It is her honesty that has given me the courage to write this here. In my email to her I wrote:
So scary to not know who the new self is, (my critic screams ‘what if you are screwing up? what if the new self is not a good person, not a happy person? the world will not like you anymore.”) No, the new self will be a different person and not a fabricated one. But I also completely relate to the numbness, there is the temptation to feel bitter (I deleted ‘a little’ before the previous word), and wounded by my experiences, be the victim so to speak.
I have nothing to lose now. The ego is down. I am cracked open like an egg (sometimes an oozing mess on the floor). I have not written these things before, I’ve always had to show people how capable I was.
Maybe this is what maturity feels like. No one can hurt me anymore, I have already experienced the worst of it and that pain cannot be matched. I want more from my relationships with people and the only way to do that is “expose ourselves”, it feels almost like a literal exposure, I am stripping down. I have spent most of my life guarding myself from everyone. I am ready to try something different. Ha. And that feels really good, (terrifying but good.)
Can we actually go there completely?
I have the sense that if we do both as artists and humans that we will be unstoppable.

Apr 5 2005
6:00 pm
Keri Smith writes:

thank you “s”, et al,
I read this today on the last page of “Reading Lolita” (in response to Eliane’s comment),
“To have a whole life, one must have the possibility of publicly shaping and expressing private worlds, dreams, thoughts, and desires, of constantly having access to a dialogue between the public and private worlds. How else do we know we have existed, felt, desired, hated, feared?” -Azar Nafisi

Apr 5 2005
6:00 pm
Keri Smith writes:

thank you “s”, et al,
I read this today on the last page of “Reading Lolita” (in response to Eliane’s comment),
“To have a whole life, one must have the possibility of publicly shaping and expressing private worlds, dreams, thoughts, and desires, of constantly having access to a dialogue between the public and private worlds. How else do we know we have existed, felt, desired, hated, feared?” -Azar Nafisi

Apr 5 2005
6:47 pm
Anonymous writes:

Thank you! I needed this! I am right in the middle of huge changes in my life as well… hearing this was encouraging.

Apr 5 2005
6:47 pm
Anonymous writes:

Thank you! I needed this! I am right in the middle of huge changes in my life as well… hearing this was encouraging.


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